daily roundup

2006-10-23T18:02:00.000-04:00

Baby Joy!

EXCLUSIVE: KATE IS HAVING A BABY
SUPERMODEL Kate Moss is pregnant with Pete Doherty's baby, his uncle said yesterday.

And gardener Phil Michels added that the couple were overjoyed at the news.

Well I, for one, think it's great !

2006-10-23T17:49:00.000-04:00

Dead On

I love this post onthe best and worst things about New York...these are my favorites:

New York is the best place to be heartbroken and aggressive and reckless about it.
If he took your heart, you don't need it. What is a heart, anyhow, it's just a word for suckers. You need bars and drinks so serious you laugh out loud. You need corners. You need the company of drunk strangers. You need to look back at him, that stranger, when he eyes you, across the way there, you need to look right back at him, you need to maybe even talk to him, maybe even take him home, maybe even get up afterwards and say well, thanks, that was nice, and then just never call him again, just let him dissapear like he never existed, like how you felt about him before you met him, because this is New York and you can. Go online. Someone, anyone, is near. Someone will pay you for what you planned to do already.

New York is the worst place to be heartbroken and sad about it.
You can't cry like that, out in public, with people looking, I mean, looking away. You can cry in major transportation hubs, just a little, you can cry in Grand Central if you want, or Penn Station maybe but you can't just cry like that on the street. You are making the street uncomfortable. Napkins don't grow on trees. The waitress is in the back kitchen telling everyone everything you are saying. She's writing it in her blog. There is no where to hide. There's no crying in baseball. Stop it, get sunglasses, go home, even if home is the last stop on the Q. Try not to cry all the way there. If you take a cab, the cabbie will ask and he'll tell you a beautiful girl like you has no reason to cry. If you cry on the train, you will attract lunatics. You will let them hug you,

(via Gawker)

2006-10-19T14:41:00.000-04:00

The gayest thing I've ever seen

Has Tommy Hilfiger come out of the closet yet? Because...Come on...He looks like Liberace.

2006-09-21T13:54:00.000-04:00

The Oogie Boogie Party

So we got to infiltrate Mike Boogie's Big Brother celebration party at Le Deux on monday. It was quite a scene...C-list reality stars and hollywood douchebags as far as the eye can see. So really, actually, a typical night at a typical Hollywood "hotspot".

For the most part, all of the BB all-stars that we talked to were actually really nice and friendly and seemed like decent human beings- though we purposely avoided the Oogie Mike Boogie, in silent protest of his mysogynist antics. Kaysar was very personable and it turned out that I had gone to UCLA with his friend who was there with him. Marcellas was a doll. And Dr. Will really does seem to have the kind of charisma that enables him to be such a manipulative bastard.

The highlight of the evening was a cameo appearance by Neil Patrick Harris, or as I like to call him, NPH. But, sadly, we missed our moment to get a picture with him. :(

2006-08-29T18:21:00.000-04:00

Stars are Blind...Syphilis will do that to you

This story is too funny:

Paris Hilton is furious with Cher’s son for claiming that the two had sex — and that then he worried that he caught something from her.

Elijah Blue Allman, Cher’s son by rocker Gregg Allman, went on the Howard Stern show last week and boasted that he had a fling with Hilton before she was famous. Allman, who is the lead singer and guitarist for the band Deadsy, said that after the encounter, he became so worried that he might have contracted a disease that he went downstairs and scrubbed his private parts with a household cleaner, probably Tilex.

Hilton is “not happy” about Allman’s comments, says a source, even though he described Hilton as a “sweet girl.”

P.S. How much do you love the pics I found to illustrate this? I don't know WHAT the deal with that Tilex ad is, but I heart the internet!

2006-08-25T14:58:00.000-04:00

This is really messed up.

Check out this email Matt sent me. Apparently MSNBC.com employs some homophobic, misogynistic programmers:

Okay, first I saw the from MSNBC where Ann Coulter insinuates Bill Clinton is gay and calls Al Gore a "fag." I would not be shocked to hear her say that on Fox, but on MSNBC? Chris Matthews is an ass, but I thought NBC had some respectability. Why did Chris Matthews laugh at her little joke and say he'd love to have her on again? Why didn't I hear of this before?

Then I decide to search on MSNBC.com to see if they had coverage of it (an apology...) Search for "fag" on the website and you don't get any info on my friend Ann Coulter. However, the first link is to the Lance Bass coming out story. Where, I might add, the word "fag" never appears, also on the list of links is a story about gay former Gov. James E. McGreevey where the term "fag" does not show up. Another story that shows up in the search is one on Jerry Falwell's failed attempt to sue a gay website, again no "fag" here. Why is it that the search engine would be designed to bring up these stories when searching for the term "fag" ?

I put on my thinking cap ('cause it's late) and came up with the crazy notion that MSNBC must have their search engine geared to pick up stories on minority groups based on the slurs associated with them. So I tried it. I tried slurs for the other usual suspects: Blacks, Jews, Lesbians, Latinos and nothing came up other than stories about people using those slurs. All I have to say is Fuck MSNBC! I am going to write one long and angry letter....

p.s. I totally forgot about women as a group, so i typed "bitch" and only got stories actually used the word. I was almost ready to give up, but tried "cunt" and right there was a story about Cindy Sheehan, which in case you were wondering didn't have the C word in it.

Send this to anyone you know who might care and have them write an angry letter too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I might add here that the "cunt" search also brings up a story on Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. Nice, MSNBC, real nice.

Try it for yourself. Just type "fag" or "cunt" into the search engine on their homepage and see for yourself what happens...

UPDATE: MSNBC.com was notified about this several times since thursday 8/24 and yet it still has not been corrected!!!

UPDATE 2: ok, they fixed it as of this afternoon, 8/28. It's about damn time!

2006-08-15T16:51:00.000-04:00

Single Leathery Female
Nicole Ritchie is seriously turning into her stylist, Rachel Zoe. All she needs is few more, botox-free, years of hard partying and sun damage, and the transformation will be complete.

2006-08-14T19:25:00.000-04:00

Paris is Burning

This take on the new Paris Hilton Hello Kitty doll is great...

"... Gallery of Absurdly make Paris Hilton Doll for American fans today because your heart are thirsting for wishness to be like Paris. She realistically created with dress pulled up to show scary parts underneath when dancing in nightclub or showing offness to paparazzi of camera.

Plincess Paris comes with two friends: Crabby and Tinklebell. Tinklebell pup having sadness because she used as fashion accessory instead of like other dogs. Her wishness is to frolicsome in breezy meadow with refresh, but Paris not let her. Crabby live under dress of Paris Hilton and enjoy happy time with plenty of air and sunshine. Paris like to shamelessly show Crabby off and one sees photos of him all over internet if one should look closely with braveness. Wishness of careful feeling of satisfaction beauty? Please buy doll after acknowledgement of scornful. Your dreams come true in spirit of happy vapid."

2006-08-07T13:03:00.000-04:00

This man is disgusting
This article on Joe Francis, the founder of Girls Gone Wild, is facinating and repellent at the same time. If you ever had any doubts as to what a sick, misogynist, date-rapey pigfuck this guy is, I suggest you read this and get back to me.

"Francis has the confidence, charm and sly intelligence of a back-slapping fraternity leader. He can be persuasive, to a degree, when he argues that "Girls Gone Wild" is just something that gives a good time to all. On the plane, his feet kicked up onto the seat in front of him, he turns to me and ponders what kind of footage his crew will gather that night. He hopes the girls will be pretty, he says. Pretty and wild. He says he loves women, is crazy about them. But sometimes it doesn't sound as though he is. The words he chooses, the stories he tells—they make a different point."

I totally agree with this. He doesn't love women at all - he's the type of scum that coerces girls to take off their clothes and then laughs at them for doing it.

2006-07-25T18:46:00.000-04:00

It's all fun and games until somebody loses an eye

I love this roundup of Top-10 Most Awesomely Violent and Dangerous Children's Games, which features the classics like dodgeball, slip n' slide, and swimming pool chicken, all of which have been responsible for a good share of emergency room visits...

Just about every summer kids everywhere sit around, eat, and play video games while cultivating crippling diabetes. But some kids still manage actually get up and occasionally go outside to play age-old childhood games that have been passed down from generation to generation. Most of these popular games are extremely dangerous and, in some cases, illegal...

This one is my personal favorite, because I think my cousin David actually DID break his collarbone in this manner:

#7 King of the Mountain
How beautifully simplistic was this game? This must have been created by the poorest children in the world, because all it requires is a mound of dirt and no respect for your physical well-being. Boys of various sizes vie for the highest position on top of said mound, with the largest boy inevitably claiming the spot and maintaining it by smacking down his scrawnier assailants until he was either bored, recess was over, or someone broke their collarbone.

2006-07-20T13:49:00.000-04:00

That's just wrong.

This? Is gross.

Cute-as-a-button child star Dakota Fanning, who turned 12 in February, is venturing into sexually disturbing territory in a movie being filmed in North Carolina.

The screenplay for "Hounddog" - a dark story of abuse, violence and Elvis Presley adulation in the rural South, written and directed by Deborah Kampmeier - calls for Fanning's character to be raped in one explicit scene and to appear naked or clad only in "underpants" in several other horrifying moments...

Jesus, I know she wants to be seen as a "serious actress" and all, but the girl is freaking TWELVE YEARS OLD!!! Can't she wait a few years for her Oscar? I really can't believe that her parents would want her to do a scene like this. It's just wrong. The words "sexually disturbing" and "Dakota Fanning" should not be used in the same sentence together. Or at least not for a few more years, until she begins her descent into meth, anorexia, and porn.

2006-07-17T16:27:00.000-04:00

Maybe he's from Great Neck?
WTF is up with this Project Runway contestant's neck? Why didn't someone tell him that if you have a giraffe neck, it's probably best not to tattoo a lengthy treatise onto it, which will only serve to emphasize the heft and girth of said neck?

UPDATE: ok, so this image (from TVGasm) might be a little photoshopped...but still, it's really not that far off!

UPDATE 2: Here's another, non-photoshopped, pic (via four four) that depicts the insanity of The Neck. It's really quite something...

2006-07-14T17:55:00.000-04:00

"I've looked at life from both sides now"

This is so interesting...

Male Scientist Writes of Life as Female Scientist

Biologist Who Underwent Sex Change Describes Biases Against Women

By Shankar Vedantam
Washington Post Staff Writer
Thursday, July 13, 2006; Page A10

Neurobiologist Ben Barres has a unique perspective on former Harvard president Lawrence Summers's assertion that innate differences between the sexes might explain why many fewer women than men reach the highest echelons of science.

That's because Barres used to be a woman himself.

In a highly unusual critique published yesterday, the Stanford University biologist -- who used to be Barbara -- said his experience as both a man and a woman had given him an intensely personal insight into the biases that make it harder for women to succeed in science.

After he underwent a sex change nine years ago at the age of 42, Barres recalled, another scientist who was unaware of it was heard to say, "Ben Barres gave a great seminar today, but then his work is much better than his sister's."...

2006-07-14T13:53:00.000-04:00

Oh the humanity.

Dear. God. TvGasm posted a dissection of the MySpace profile belonging to Jordan from The Hills (the follow-up show to Laguna Beach) and it seriously makes me fear for the future of humanity. Now it's not like I thought this kid was any sort of braintrust or anything. I mean, he DOES date Heidi, the girl who once said "It's like, if my friend has a trust fund and doesn't have to work, why do I?". But this level of stupidity is really quite something to behold. To wit, here are some items from his "Random Things About Me" section:

"Beverly Hills = Best place in America"
"I love eating butter fingers"
"Fishes are cool animals dont hate on them"
"Underneath our kitchen bar area we draw on it"

I don't even know what to say...Here's more, as narrated by TvGasm:

Then there's that dreaded category. The one with the "B word." You know what I'm talking about: books. Jordon is pretty adamant when it comes to this crazy category. "Read, no thanks. I'd rather be doing somethin [sic] more interesting. But for those of you kids who like it, nothing against you." THANKS. I like how he acts like the "kids" who read books are some crazy breed of alterna-lifestyle freaks. Yes, Jordan welcomes all of God's children, even those gross ones who touch books. Luckily, Jordan doesn't need literary stimulation. He has other passions to "persue."

Oh, and also feast your eyes on this brilliant piece entitled "Eating Doritos":

Friday, June 09, 2006 Eating Doritos

Have you ever been eating doritos and then all the sudden one just gets stuck in your teeth and you cant seem to get it out? Well this is my story:
Ok so today I was watching; Stephen and his friend Clay v.s. Jason and Lauren's little brother Brandon play baseball on x-box. And I was just sitting here on the computer chatting away to a friend. Well anyways I go to take a bite of dorito and it got stuck in my tooth. Like in-between. It took 49 minutes to get it out (literally). Then after it came out, you know me I go and do it again. And you wanna know what the damn dorito is stuck AGAIN, and i cant seem to get it out.
Haha thanks for reading my pointless blog, i love to share with you all.
-Jordannnn

Can you even imagine what would happen if Heidi and Jordan were ever to reproduce? The resultant offspring might possibly become the most useless, social-climbing, work-avoiding, piece of trash to ever skulk around the VIP room at LAX. And that's saying a alot.

I really hope that the rest of the country understands what we are dealing with here in LA. We have to take in all of your pretty but mind-numblingly vapid, lazy, and entitled garbage who move here every day, like Jordan, to

"persue" acting, modeling, and music "carrers"

These useless fools clutter up our freeways, drive up our rental market, and give us regular folk- who are not able to devote 24 hours a day to Pilates, the Zone, and Mystic Tan- some serious body image issues. I hate them. But why can't I stop watching?...

2006-07-06T14:51:00.000-04:00

Separated at Birth

Are Amy and I the only ones who've noticed the uncanny likeness between Paul Dinello (Mr. Jellinek on Strangers with Candy) and Thom Filicia (the interior design expert on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy)?

Check it out below for yourself...the top two pics are Thom Filicia while the bottom 2 are Paul Dinello...but would you have known if I didn't tell you? Ok, and if Thom's pic didn't say his name and Paul's wasn't with Amy Sedaris? Seriously, its weird.

2006-06-22T13:40:00.000-04:00

Count the Bones, with Kate Bosworth!

Watch out, Kate Bosworth's going to put someone's eye out with her breastplate! Mmmm, bony sternum is so hot right now!

(pic at Us Weekly, via Defamer)

2006-06-21T19:21:00.000-04:00

The Rules

These are my favorite entries from NY Mag's Urban Etiquette Handbook, though they are all quite amusing and applicable:

Is it ever acceptable to talk to a stranger on an elevator?

If there are six or fewer people on the elevator, no. However, if the group is larger than six, you have achieved an Elevator Humor Quorum and someone must make a remark about the elevator’s lack of size or speed in order to relieve the tension created by standing in a tiny space with six or more strangers. If another member of the group makes the remark first, Elevator Humor Solidarity obligates you to chuckle mildly.

What do you do if you see someone crying at work?

Rather than approaching your co-worker with concern or consolation (a further imposition) or ignoring the tears entirely (a sign of coldheartedness or contempt), ride the line with a reaction that has become a mark of just this occasion: the Unobtrusive, Empathetic Wince. Cast a second glance toward the weeper (who will be looking at you to gauge the damage). Scrunch your face as follows: Push your bottom lip up toward your upper gums to create a combination smile-frown, add some worry brows while nodding or tilting your head, then glance down and away. That sends the message “I understand, I will not interfere, and your secret is safe with me.

Is it okay to smoke pot at a party?

Marijuana is considered by most New Yorkers under a certain age (and over a certain age) to be harmless at the least, and at the most a public good that belongs equally to all people, like radio airwaves and the national parks. Nonetheless, it is always imperative to ask the host before lighting up any sort of THC delivery system, and consumption is always forbidden if there are children or teenagers present, or if anyone in the room is 30 years older than someone else in the room. An exception to the latter rule exists, however, if the elder reveler is overheard discussing a “gig” or relating an anecdote involving Janis Joplin.

What’s the best way to split the check in a group?

At a group meal, an equal split should be the baseline expectation: It falls to those who ordered more-expensive dishes to offer to pay more, not to others to pay less. Failure to partake in the appetizers or the wine can be cited as a reason to cut one’s contribution only if there was some socially sanctioned reason for declining (veganism, Islam, pregnancy). If you just got the soup and you don’t think that’s fair, well, think about whether it’s “fair” to make your friends eat dinner with a buzz-killing cheapskate.

2006-06-21T14:17:00.000-04:00

Dream a Little Dream

This seems too good to be true:

'80s idols to reunite for 'Coreys'
Former teen heartthrobs Corey Feldman and Corey Haim have teamed with RDF USA ("Wife Swap") on "The Coreys," a hybrid improv comedy that would center on fictional versions of themselves a la "Curb Your Enthusiasm."...

..."The Coreys" picks up with Feldman living the comfortable suburban life with his wife Suzie and son, until circumstances bring his old pal Haim back into the picture. Episodes would follow Haim -- single and the total opposite of Feldman -- as he shakes life up for the Feldmans.

(via Defamer)

2006-06-19T14:32:00.000-04:00

Wrong on so many levels

Nicole Richie’s father, Lionel, reportedly promised his daughter and some friends a Caribbean yacht cruise if she’d put on weight. “Lionel thought some of Nicole’s pals were encouraging her to stay skinny,” a source told the London Sun. “So he thought if he gave them an incentive to get Nicole to put weight on then that would help her.”

(The Scoop)

Who are these evil friends that have to be bribed to stop enabling her slow death? I thought she wasn't friends with Paris anymore?

2006-06-16T17:12:00.000-04:00

World's Best Baby Daddy

Best Week Ever Blog has posted some hilarious Celebrity Father's Day cards. These 2 were my favorite but they're all really good- there's one for K-Fed, Tom Cruise, and Prez Bush...

2006-06-15T18:52:00.000-04:00

Adventures of Keira Knightley's Jaw

Ok, I know I haven't posted in a million years- I've been both busy and lazy- but this website that was on popbitch today was just the motivation I needed. I'm not sure why I think it's so funny...but I do.

It's called Adventures of Keira Knightley's Jaw and it chronicles the jaw's activities like so...

"We Hear...That Keira Knightley's Jaw and Jessica Simpson's Cleavage partied hard down at the city's Meatpacking District last week..."

2006-05-12T17:36:00.000-04:00

The Undead

Ugh, Terry Hatcher looks like a corpse....

...and so does Nicole Ritchie, but what's new?

(via D-Listed)

2006-05-10T17:26:00.000-04:00

Wow.

Scientologists are so damn creepy.

He is really out of his tree.

(via D-Listed)

2006-05-09T17:36:00.000-04:00

This is so sick.

Ugh. Lindsey linked to this sick Father-Daughter Purity Ball "

"a memorable ceremony for daughters to pledge commitments to purity and their fathers to pledge commitments to protect their girls."

Then I googled "purity ball" and you would not believe how many there are!!! It's so sick...check out this one:

"The purpose of the Ball is to celebrate and honor the vital relationship between fathers and daughters. It gives fathers the opportunity to commit to God to be a living example of purity for their daughters. Also the opportunity is given to the daughters to commit to purity in their lives or in some cases to renew that commitment."

I love the "or in some cases to renew that commitment". That's for the whores.

This whole thing just makes me queasy....It's got Joe Simpson written all over it.

2006-05-04T16:28:00.000-04:00

"Let Me Explain Why I Am So Distressingly Skinny"

I can't wait for the new issue of Vanity Fair where Nicole Ritchie is going to switch gears from "I don't know what all the fuss is about, I look the same as I always have" to "Yes, I'm skeletal and it's disgusting and I haven't a clue why".

Check out early excerpts of what Defamer brilliantly calls the "Let Me Explain Why I Am So Distressingly Skinny" series, on VF's website:

Nicole Richie tells Vanity Fair contributing editor Leslie Bennetts that her current weight upsets her and she's doing something about it. "I know I'm too thin right now, so I wouldn't want any young girl looking at me and saying, 'That's what I want to look like.' I do know that they will, which is another reason I really do need to do something about it. I'm not happy with the way I look right now."

(drawing from Gallery of the Absurd)

2006-05-04T15:53:00.000-04:00

Is this whoopee cushion for real?

Leah and Matt alerted me to the existence of this "GasBGon" fart pillow. It's the weirdest thing ever- I still can't believe it's for real:

The GasBGon flatulence filter seat cushion is a fun, yet serious solution to the embarrassing problem of malodorous gas (breaking wind). GasBGon seat cushions apply cutting edge carbon filter technology to absorb the sound and odor that accompany flatulence. The unique cushioning property combines to form a dual filter technology to muffle the sound and the smell.

And check out the customer reviews on Amazon-they are priceless...

"This is the champion of gas hiding pillows! I work in tight quarters and I eat lunch at my desks usually. Getting up to go to the restroom everytime just isnt feasable as it is down the hall about 30 yards! I feel confident knowing that i can relieve my self at the drop of beef burrito. They should call this a whoopee cushion, because i said Whoopee when i learned it was available! Now I poot like a butterfly, and it wont sting like a bee."

"I have had embarassing flatchulence since i was a young boy. I had one friend that liked the smell. His name was Scott S. But when i got to college, and people heard me crackin corn, they werent impressed with my freaky fragrance. I have tried everything from blaming it on the guiniee pig, to poop juicin' in a pop bottle. I take the butt blaster everywhere i go, in the pick up, to my head injury support group meetings, and even to church PEW..ha ha ha...
Thanks Fart Pillow!
Cory"

"I was skeptical upon first buying this product, but it works great! At one point I actually crapped myself and my girlfriend at the other end of the couch had no idea. I don't even think the dog knew I did it! Without this product I would have been terribly embarassed and my girlfriend may have left me."

OMG who ARE these people!?!?

2006-05-02T18:50:00.000-04:00

Ugh-ly
I love the Fug Girls' post about Met's annual benefit gala, specifically the description of SJP's outfit (at left) because it is exactly what I thought when I saw it:

Um, no. Like, I get that the theme of the ball is "anglomania," but....there's such a thing as being too on point, and of all people, I would think that someone like SJP, who is generally extremely sharp about such things, would know better. There's cleverly referencing something, and then there's ACTUALLY WEARING A COSTUME. And actually, this just reminds me of the episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte and Trey have to gussy themselves up in the MacDougal tartan to go to the Scottish Fling, and Bunny McDougal is very mean to Charlotte about her infertility, and I suspect that wasn't really the point of this get-up. Also, I hate the shoes.

2006-04-28T17:46:00.000-04:00

Junkie Scum
This is so disgusting...when is this junkie going to JAIL already??? He's only been arrested like 10 billion times...

Pete injects female fan
DRUG fiend Pete Doherty stoops to a shocking new low in pictures showing him injecting heroin into an unconscious fan.

The junkie Babyshambles singer, who has won the heart of supermodel Kate Moss, was snapped jabbing the pretty youngster as she lay in his squalid kitchen...

(scan via A Socialite's Life)

2006-04-26T19:05:00.000-04:00

That. Bitch.

First it was my beloved Jakey G. who was under the Snaggletooth's spell...

Now Andy Samberg!!! I hate her. Though she does have excellent taste...Sigh.

Time to watch Lazy Sunday , stuff my face with cupcakes, and grieve.

2006-04-24T18:09:00.000-04:00

Please Take Action

This is so disturbing- please clink on the link after you read this and take action...

From an email I received from the Planned Parenthood Action Fund:

An Indiana mother recently accompanied her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend to one of Indiana's Planned Parenthood clinics, but they unwittingly walked into a so-called "crisis pregnancy center" run by an anti-abortion group, one that shared a parking lot with the real Planned Parenthood clinic and was designed expressly to lure Planned Parenthood patients and deceive them.

The group took down the girl's confidential personal information and told her to come back for her appointment, which they said would be in their "other office" (the real Planned Parenthood office nearby). When she arrived for her appointment, not only did the Planned Parenthood staff have no record of her, but the police were there. The "crisis pregnancy center" had called them, claiming that a minor was being forced to have an abortion against her will.

The "crisis pregnancy center" staff then proceeded to wage a campaign of intimidation and harassment over the following days, showing up at the girl's home and calling her father's workplace. Planned Parenthood's clinic director reports that the girl was "scared to death to leave her house." They even went to her school and urged classmates to pressure her not to have an abortion.

The anti-choice movement is setting up these "crisis pregnancy centers" across the country. Some of them have neutral-sounding names and run ads that falsely promise the full range of reproductive health services, but they dispense anti-choice propaganda and intimidation instead. And according to a recent article in The New York Times, there are currently more of these centers in the U.S. than there are actual abortion providers. What's more, these centers have received $60 million in government grants. They're being funded by our tax dollars.

Please click here to take action and tell your Representative to support a bill that has just been introduced in Congress to stop the fraudulent practices of fake clinics...it's so important!

2006-04-21T17:50:00.000-04:00

OMG
Holy shit! Denise Richards just filed for a restraining order against Charlie Sheen, accusing him of hitting her, threatening to kill her, visiting child porn websites, and a hell of a lot more...TMZ has the story and the documents. He is denying everything, of course, but you know its all true! He is so fucked.

2006-04-20T19:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know what to make of this website...

http://www.davidbowieisverydisappointedinyou.com/

...but it somehow makes me feel deeply ashamed of myself.

Very, very strange.

(via popbitch)

2006-04-19T18:21:00.000-04:00

All Aboard
If you haven't yet seen the documentary, All Aboard, about the cruise for LGBT families that Rosie O'Donnell and her partner started, I highly recommend it.

Even Howard Stern, who bashed Rosie throughout the 90's was moved by it. And I have to say, this just reinforces for me what I've always felt about Howard Stern- I don't agree with a lot that he says but he seems to be good, intelligent person. I think it says a lot about a person when they can admit they are wrong and change their mind about an issue or a person.

The Malcontent has a transcript of Howard's Sirius show, where he discusses it...some excerpts:

HOWARD: Right. It's so, like, kind of beautiful, and she put together this cruise where they could all be together and not feel so abnormal all the time and be goofed on, and I thought it was great. You know, I really, I gotta hand it to the broad. She did a good job, and she did a good thing for people. You know. And at one point, they pull into, like, The Bahamas, and there's a religious group protesting them, and – it's pretty upsetting.

ROBIN: Yeah, can you imagine?

HOWARD: – in front of little children. It was really weird.

ROBIN: You're just trying to take your kids for a little swim and there's people protesting you.

HOWARD: Yeah.

ARTIE: Yeah, what negative energy that is.

HOWARD: But Rosie –

ARTIE: People have energy to do that.

HOWARD: Yeah, it's insane. But Rosie was like very, very cool about it, and you see her working with these kids, and it was, you know, hey – you can goof on her all you want, but she's doing more than most. She's doing something for people. You know.

The scene where the religious groups are protesting the cruise and the kids are crying seriously broke my heart.

2006-04-19T13:59:00.000-04:00

Queer eye for the Stoned Child

THIS is what Carson Kressley chose to wear to a benefit party for the freakin' BOYS AND GIRLS CLUB?!?!
A giant bedazzled pot leaf? Nice, Carson, real nice.

(via Gawker)

2006-04-18T17:53:00.000-04:00

A Step in the Right Direction

Perez is reporting that Natasha Lyonne has checked into a rehab in Malibu.

Let's hope it sticks this time. It would be nice to see her pull it together after her dramatic fall from grace.

I loved her in the Slums of Beverly Hills!...

UPDATE: Whitney's apparently back in rehab now too.

2006-04-12T13:19:00.000-04:00

How do these people live with themselves?

There are several articles out today about John Travolta and Kelly Preston that discuss their denial about their son Jett's autism. Apparently they won't even admit that he is autistic and certainly won't seek treatment for him, because that would be contrary to the beliefs of Scientology. This is especially sad, considering that treatment for autism is more effective the earlier you begin it. Most autistic kids enter treatment as toddlers. Jett is now 14.

from Hollywood, Interrupted:

...the Scientology couple cannot even publicly admit that their son is afflicted with a neurological disorder, lest – according to the incontrovertible doctrine of Scientology founder L Ron Hubbard – he be labeled a “degraded being” that brought his affliction onto himself. Instead, the Travoltas have long blamed their son’s disability on Kawasaki Syndrome-related “environmental toxins,” specifically carpet cleaning chemicals.

Rumors about Jett Travolta’s disability have been floating around for years, but when no less than five sources (including a media rep from the Autism Society of America (ASA), an executive from Cure Autism Now, a major Hollywood producer and parent of an autistic child, and a Hollywood actor-parent) reported that Jett Travolta was afflicted did we decide to deliver this story. Scientology will not even recognize the disability, let alone the myriad therapies for treating it.

The CAN and ASA officials that spoke with Hollywood, Interrupted credited Sylvester Stallone and former pro football greats Doug Flutie and Dan Marino as celebrity parents of children with autism that have helped raise awareness of the malady. These celebs reportedly share their frustration with what they perceive as Travolta’s “denial” stemming from Scientology’s rabid hatred of psychiatry and judgment of those with psychological problems as lesser humans responsible for their own maladies.

This really makes me sick.

2006-03-29T14:06:00.000-05:00

Crack is most definitely Wack

Wow, Whitney Houstons' sister-in-law, Tina Brown, just totally narc-ed her out to the National Enquirer!

INSIDE WHITNEY'S DRUG DEN!

By DON GENTILE
This shocking scene of sleazy mayhem is damning proof of Whitney Houston's tragic addiction — to crack. The National Enquirer's sensational exclusive photo (in this week's issue) shows the superstar singer's private bathroom after she has locked herself away for days on yet another self-destructive binge. Amid the trash, leftover food and empty beer cans are the tools of the hardcore drug fiend — pipes, rolling papers, spoons in which powdered cocaine is cooked into crack, lighters. The picture was taken by one of Whitney's closest friends and relatives — Tina Brown, sister of her husband Bobby.

It is the first time one of the serial Grammy-winner's inner circle has opened the door on the despair and depravity that has led Whitney's family to fear that she is just one fix away from a fatal overdose.

And, according to Tina's heartbreaking revelations, this bathroom squalor is just one small part of Whitney's harrowing world. Tina, 42, knows Whitney's drug habits well. A recovering addict herself, she and her sister-in-law were "drug buddies" for many months.

She confesses: "I did crack with Whitney. The truth needs to come out. She won't stay off the drugs. It's every single day. It's so ugly. Everyone is so scared she's going to O.D." In the most explosive interview ever about Whitney, Tina tells how the 42-year-old singer spends days locked in her bedroom amid piles of garbage smoking crack, using sex toys to satisfy herself and ignoring personal hygiene.

Gawker has some high-res pictures from the article, which I strongly suggest you check out...It is just really, really sad. We need a Celebrity episode of Intervention, stat! Poor Bobbi Kristina!!!

P.S. "using sex toys to satisfy herself"? Another classy move, Enquirer!

2006-03-23T13:11:00.000-05:00

Rebecca and The Best Blog Ever

While this news may only be exciting to me and my sister, I almost died of joy when I clicked through on Gawker to find this girl blogging her way through the Baby-Sitters Club series.

Elizabeth and I were seriously OBSESSED with the BSC as kids. And there is so much about it that is really weird and funny in retrospect, which is why this blog is a great idea that I secretly wish I had thought of first. The girl who's doing it has a similar sense of humor about it and points out much of the ridiculousness (Claudia's oh-so wacky outfits, the never-ending 8th grade year that these girls exist within, etc).

Other funny elements that Elizabeth and I have discussed include:

1) Claudia's borderline retardedness- Ann M. Martin tries to play it like she's smart, just not book-smart (yet she specifically tells us that Claudia is not dyslexic!), but her poor spelling is really over-the-top.

2) Mary-Ann telling her BF, Logan, that they needed to "cool" their relationship- it was really getting WAAAAY too hot-and-heavy with all that hand-holding!

3) Ugly Mallory always being described euphemistically as "not feeling too pretty right now".

4) Dawn and her alleged "California Casual" style. Since she's from California, she's a blond, vegetarian, health-food-eating environmentalist.

5) The fact that we learned everything we know about diabetes through book #3, "The Truth About Stacey"

Anyway, as with most pop-culture trash that I'm obsessed with, I could go on forever poring over the minutae of the phenomenon that is the BSC...

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the series, Wikipedia has a pretty comprehensive breakdown. For those of you who know and love the BSC, I invite you to share my glee...

2006-03-17T13:06:00.000-05:00

What a prick

As some of you may already know, the latest object of my dis-affection is Dr. Rey from the E! show, Dr. 90210. My hatred for him goes beyond the usual dislike, however, and borders into a rage-fueled obsession.

It's honestly a little scary, but if you have seen the show, you understand that there are just so many reasons to hate him:

1) He gets his scrubs tailored to show off his muscles.
2) His wife is seriously on death's door with depression and anorexia -she weighs 85 lbs- and he does not even notice.
3) His hair is frosted and he wears pin-striped zoot suits to the office (when he's not wearing his fitted scrubs).
4) He is obsessed with tae kwon dao and skipped his daughter's birthday party to go to the dojo.
5) He forces his 3 year old daughter to do tae kwon dao even though she just wants to go to ballet class.
6) He lifts weights, plays with nunchucks, and breaks bricks in the office.
7) He calls his patients' vaginas "adorable", including his receptionist, whose vagina he examines with no qualms about the inappropriateness.
8) His receptionist dresses like a stripper. A really whorey stripper.

Anyway, this is just the tip of the iceberg, I could go on forever...and yesterday he was featured in the LA Times in an article that just adds more fuel to my fire...at least the article shows how his colleagues hate him too. And clearly the writer of the story hates him. Seriously, I challenge you to read the article (or watch the show) and not hate this arrogant prick too...

2006-03-15T17:05:00.000-05:00

Jimmy Chew On This

I love this:

Investigating Nicole's Jimmy Choo Ads
If you've browsed through the latest fashion magazines, then you've likely seen Nicole Richie's beautifully photographed Jimmy Choo ads. We were curious how film director and photographer Brett Ratner was able to capture the overwrought drama displayed in the photos, so we asked our in-house photo analysis team to investigate. SCANDAL! They were able to uncover the original photograph before it was transformed with extensive airbrushing:

The original:

2006-03-06T14:56:00.000-05:00

RehabWatch 2006

I've said it once and I'll say it again, Paula Abdul is my pick for Celebrity Most Likely To Enter Rehab in 2006.

To wit, from the Boston Herald:

Paula Abdul - make rehab your own.

The “American Idol” judge was incoherent on last night’s live telecast, bumbling lines and giggling like she’d just emerged from a Grateful Dead concert, leaving audiences, contestants and host Ryan Seacrest more confused than a homophobic Clay Aiken fan.

When Seacrest asked Abdul why two contestants received the fewest votes, she mumbled, head in hands, “Simon said because one of them ate pizza and the other ate salad.”

A shocked Seacrest responded, “You guys realize we’re on the air?”

Abdul got it together for a few minutes, but during the second round of cuts, she was back to her odd behavior.

“What did you tell me Simon?” she said, slurring her words. “What did you tell me? Simon gave me advice and said on “The X Factor” he always refers to a fortune cookie and says the moth who finds the melon - (laugher) - finds the corn flake always finds the melon and one of you didn’t pick the right fortune"

(via Tvgasm)

2006-02-23T14:29:00.000-05:00

How to Freak Out Total Strangers in Public Places

This was on dailycandy today so I'm sure I'm not the only one who saw it but I think it's a really funny idea- bookcovers designed to shock and generate conversation. You can choose one like "How to Overcome Nymphomania", where the back cover reads: "A disease that's finally curable, 6 week turnaround, strangers are not meat." Or there's "How to Murder a Complete Stranger and Get Away With It" which reads "Top 10 places to dispose a body, step-by-step instructions with colour illustrations.".

I think these would be equally great for the subway (NY) or the Coffee Bean (LA).

2006-02-23T13:30:00.000-05:00

Brawny Man Presents: Innocent Escapes

This ad campaign , featuring a real-life incarnation of the beloved strong-but-sensitive Brawny Man in a variety of strong-but-sensitive scenarios, is the best marketing innovation since Burger King's Subservient Chicken!

Try pre-made sketches like "Random Breakdown", "Your Hair, It's Perfect", and "Buyer's Remorse", or you can custom make your own! Good Times...

(Thanks Leah!)

2006-02-17T13:53:00.000-05:00

Redrum, redrum!

The Gilded Moose has hit the nail on the head with the above depiction of just what exactly is so creepy about the Olsen Twins...too perfect.
(via Defamer)

2006-02-16T17:53:00.000-05:00

Hee!

I love this.

(via cityrag)

2006-02-16T14:29:00.000-05:00

Do YOU want to see these men together on a sex tape? I didn't think so.

Scott Stapp and Kid Rock Sex Tape Revealed!!!

There's more trouble on the horizon for newlywed and Creed frontman Scott Stapp, 32. Us Weekly has learned exclusively that a sex tape involving the singer and fellow musician Kid Rock, 35, is set to be released. The tape shows both stars involved in explicit sex acts on a tour bus while touring together six years ago. The two don't engage in any sex acts together, but are seen and heard talking to one another during the acts. Footage was acquired by the Red Light District, the same company that distributed Paris Hilton's infamous sex tape One Night in Paris. 'We acquired the tape from a third party' says Red Light's president David Joseph. 'We haven't decided exactly what we are doing with it but our goal is to release it towards the middle or end of this year.' Representatives for Kid Rock and Stapp could not be reached. Stapp wed former Miss New York Jaclyn Nesheiwat, 25, on February 10 in Miami. He was arrested for public drunkeness the following day at LAX airport while enroute to his honeymoon in Hawaii. Stapp was treated for substance abuse in December 2004.

Just the very idea of this tape is making me queasy.

UPDATE #1: In case you DO want to see this atrocity, Perez has the highlight reel...

UPDATE #2: Ew...according to NY Daily News these sex acts take place in a "motor home - complete with fake-wood paneling" and:

In one scene, Rock and Stapp are standing side by side as a pair of buxom babes pleasures them.

"This is my third," Stapp tells the cameraman. "It's good to be the king."

2006-02-15T14:49:00.000-05:00

Get down Tom go head get down... No really Tom, GET. DOWN.

Forget about that other publicist-denied TomKat story...I really think our full attention should be on this one...

Is Tom Cruise behaving strangely again?

The star — once known for his cool composure — has surprised observers with outbursts in recent months. Now come reports that the Top Gun was acting rather bizarrely at a Kanye West concert at L.A.’s Avalon recently.

The “Mission Impossible” star “dangled off a nine-foot-high balcony” at the concert, according to the new issue of In Touch Weekly. He then complained “All these people are making me crazy. It’s too much!’” and, as onlookers “gasped in disbelief” he “climbed up cables to get away from the crowds.” The account adds details to a report that first appeared in the New York Post.

Cruise made it up to the VIP balcony and reportedly “went nuts” when he heard his favorite songs from West. “As Kanye sang a line from ‘Gold Digger,’ about the need for prenups, Tom threw his hands in the air,” according to the mag, which also says that Cruise chatted with other concert-goers about Scientology. “He asked us what religion we were,” a source told ITW. “He told us that Scientology changed his life and his fiancée’s life, and it could change ours, too.”

Balcony dangling? He's totally pulling an MJ! Watch out fetus! It's gonna be your ass dangling next!

2006-02-13T18:48:00.000-05:00

Not His Brother's Keeper

Whoa, the shizzy's hitting the fizzy yet again for R. Kelly...his brother has released a tell-all DVD with some "explosive allegations"...

D-Listed summarizes:

-R. Kelly has had several affairs with underage chicks including Aaliyah

-R. Kelly molested his own niece

-R. Kelly asked his brother to tell police he was the dude having sex with an underage chick on camera

-R. Kelly showed the underage sex tape to everyone and was proud of it

-R. Kelly beats his wife

-R. Kelly and his wife always have threesomes

-R. Kelly is bi-sexual

-R. Kelly's song Trapped in the Closet is about his life

I have to say, I'm not really surprised about any of it except maybe the part about molesting his niece...

2006-02-06T18:24:00.000-05:00

Stephanie Tanner, Meth-head

I know this is old news but I've been out of the loop lately so it's new to me...

February 2, 2006 -- THE actress who played cute little Stephanie Tanner on the 1990s hit sitcom "Full House" confessed yesterday to battling an addiction to methamphetamine. "I was leading a total double life," Jodie Sweetin, 24, said yesterday on "Good Morning America."

Sweetin's drug woes were recently chronicled by the supermarket tabloids after she was seen on a three-day meth bender followed by an intervention allegedly staged by her former "Full House" co-stars, including Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, John Stamos and Bob Saget...

Oh, to be a fly on the wall...why couldn't THAT intervention have been documented by A&E! How rude!

2006-01-12T16:08:00.000-05:00

"Get used to walkin', sucka!"

For some reason I can't get this animated GIF of a convo between Jen Aniston and Maddox Jolie to show up directly here, but I STRONGLY encourage you to click through and watch it...

Trust me, you won't be sorry.

2006-01-11T19:37:00.000-05:00

"It's not right, but it's ok"

Whitney Houston is back on the drugs and looks like a bag lady, the National Enquirer reports in its latest issue. The once-stunning Grammy winner was photographed at an Atlanta gas station at 4 a.m. one morning last month, looking disheveled and bizarre in pajama bottoms, a $50,000 fur coat and a messy wig.

Looks like she's forgotten about "the greatest love of all". Or maybe she's decided that The Greatest Love of All = Crack.

2006-01-11T17:01:00.000-05:00

I Love This Show

If you're still not watching A&E's Intervention, despite all my cajoling and attesting to it's awesomeness, perhaps this TWOP recap of a classic episode will convince you...

The title is "You've got to know when to fold them, GABE", which refers to the bratty, entitled gambling addict of the episode, and alternately, "You down with OCD?", referring to the sad, compulsive shopper in this episode, who was on the first 3 seasons of ER, though I recognized her as Ana Delgado from Stand and Deliver.

Behold...

Intervention: "Gabe And Vanessa"
You Gotta Know When To Fold Them, GABE...And your parents should know when to walk away. Actually, they should know when to run. Unfortunately, the time for them to run was about half a million dollars ago, so now their only option is Intervention. Elsewhere, a very nice young lady named Vanessa squanders her ER residuals, compulsively checks the lock on her apartment door, and cries. But at least she doesn't have that awful perm anymore, so it's not all bad.

2006-01-11T13:46:00.000-05:00

Sucks to be Jen

Angelina Jolie Pregnant
Angelina Jolie is expecting a baby this summer with Brad Pitt, PEOPLE has confirmed. "Yes, I'm pregnant," Jolie told a charity aid worker in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic, Monday. The pregnancy has since been confirmed by representatives of both stars...

2006-01-06T19:24:00.000-05:00

Governor Kid Millionaire?

This LA Weekly article on the infestation of a "subspecies of hipster", the “indie yuppies” or "yindies" is hilarious...it describes what our world might look like if they take over.

I'm excerpting my favorite ones:

1. Following in the footsteps of Johnny Cash and Neil Diamond, Billy Joel announces he will collaborate with Rick Rubin for a return to his roots as “a simple piano man.” In the autumn of ’06, Joel releases Moods Vol. I, the first album in a planned trilogy, featuring stripped-down covers by Leonard Cohen, Serge Gainsbourg, Ben Folds and Huey Lewis & the News — with Lewis and Joel duetting on “I Want a New Drug,” an allusion to Joel’s struggles with alcoholism. (This leads, in turn, to a surge in Lewis’ hipster cred; he tours the U.K. and major U.S. markets in the spring of ’07 with the Strokes as his backing band.)

2. Marking a radical turn in direction, Gucci deposes creative director Alexander McQueen and names American Apparel founder and CEO Dov Charney as his successor. Charney’s first couture line prominently features soft, brightly colored cotton, white piping and zippers.

6. It’s announced that the performers for 2007’s Super Bowl Halftime Show in Miami will be a new supergroup called The Clap Your Go Team Fire! The show will be sponsored by the newest addition to the MTV Networks family, Pitchfork Television.

7. On Wednesday, November 8, 2006, the morning after the California general election, it’s announced that a surprise write-in candidate has triumphed over Arnold Schwarzenegger. Our new governor is to be Steve Aoki, a.k.a. DJ Kid Millionaire — heir to the Benihana restaurant fortune and owner of the indie rock label Dim Mak (Bloc Party, The Kills, Das Oath). Aoki makes the following public statement: “I’m so inspired by the people of Los Angeles, the way they go to work every day. They’re fucking awesome.” His first official move is to make Silver Lake the new state capital, with plans to annex Brooklyn.

Incidentally, I found the above pic here via google images and find it, likewise, hilarious...

2006-01-04T14:07:00.000-05:00

Skeletwins: The jig is up

So Lohan's finally admitting to drugs and bulimia...it's only a matter of time before Ritchie caves too...

LINDSAY BARES ALL IN A SHOCKER
Tinseltown teen queen Lindsay Lohan has finally 'fessed up to doing drugs — and becoming so bulimic that she couldn't stand the sight of her own skeletal figure...

...Lohan's confession that she battled bulimia was a far cry from what she had told another interviewer less than a year ago amid growing speculation over her rail-thin figure.

Then, a defiant Lohan insisted, "[The doctor] was like, 'Are you anorexic? Are you making yourself throw up? Are drugs involved?'

"And I was like, 'Are you saying this because you've read it in magazines? Because I don't!' " Lohan said at the time.

Sound familiar, Nicole?

2006-01-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

Competitive Eating/Competitive Starving

This is a great article on my new fave sport, competitive eating...Steve and I are obsessed!:

"To become a champion, the competitive eater must understand every aspect of the eating process. Mastication is a tool, digestion irrelevant, and urges contrary to swallowing -- one of the IFOCE euphemisms for vomiting -- equal death. How much can your stomach hold? How large a portion can you swallow? How fast can you chew? How quickly and accurately can you get the food from your plate to your mouth? Champions don't drop half a serving on the floor, or waste it on their shirt. Hand to mouth and down the gullet. That's what counts in the final score. Chewing, swallowing, and placing the food directly into your mouth as quickly as possible are essential and trainable skills..."

...Meanwhile, someone needs to train Nicole Ritchie in these skills, as she is rapidly becoming the reigning Champion in Competitive Starving. Seriously, if I read one more article with her denying that she has any sort of problem ("I've always been skinny", "I'm just small-boned" "I don't even have a scale"), I'm going to go find her at LAX or whatever stupid Hollywood club she and Mischa Barton are currently frequenting and force a burger down her throat. It's not only for her sake- it's a public health issue! She could put out someone's eye with that sternum of hers!

(pic via PITNB and here)

2005-12-29T16:29:00.000-05:00

Concerned Couch Potatoes
During Leah's visit, in addition to discovering The Miracle of the Animal-Style Fries (see below), we also formed a very elite society known as The Concerned Couch Potatoes. As I noted previously, she and I spent most of her visit on the couch, immersed in the contents of the Tivo. However, no mere passive consumers of media were we! To the contrary, we were extremely engaged. We found ourselves pausing said Tivo quite frequently to voice our concerns...

How was Gabbie of Transgeneration going to adapt to life as a post-op transsexual? Not well, we felt.

Should R. Kelly's (alleged) pedophiliac transgressions be forgiven in light of his genius with Trapped in the Closet? Probably not, we concluded, though it was tempting.

Would Kathy Griffin and her husband be able to work out their differences prior to season 2 of My Life on the D-List? We sincerely hoped so.

Noticing our levels of empathy, unusual for couch potatoes, we coined the moniker "The Concerned Couch Pototoes" for our coterie. And we even came up with a slogan that truly captures our essence- that of slothful, lazy, but well-meaning concern:

Concerned Couch Potatoes: We're concerned- we're not going to do anything about it- we're just saying.

2005-12-27T16:37:00.000-05:00

Animal Style, all the way

While the majority of Leah's Xmas visit to LA was spent on my couch, we Couch Potatoes (more on this later) did interact with the outside world on a few memorable occasions. On one such occasion, we had a magical experience at In-N-Out Burger that I feel the need to relate here.

Now as most locals know, In-N-Out has a "secret" menu that allows for some variation on their infamous burgers. What we did NOT know is that there are some fry options that the customer may indulge in as well!

We were at the counter, anxiously awaiting our order to emerge, when someone elses' order caught our eye...just what were these french fries we had never seen before?!?! Smothered with grilled onions and sauce (see pic)? Equal parts horrified and mesmerized, we urgently interrogated the counter boy. He informed us that they were ANIMAL-STYLE FRENCH FRIES!!! Who knew???

Well of course we had to have them immediately. We were prepared to get back in the long ordering line when something truly miraculous occurred...the original orderer of the Animal Style Fries found something amiss- she had specified no grilled onions...the Fries were bestowed upon us by default! And even better, her revised order was also incorrect so we got those too!!! The Potatoes returned to their Couch very happy indeed, bursting at the seams with their tale of serendipity...of course after consuming the fruits of their luck, they were bursting at the seams in a physical manner as well and could not eat for the remainder of the day. But it was all worth it...those fries are AMAZING!!!

2005-12-20T18:42:00.000-05:00

(Love, Angel, Music) Baby Stefani-Rossdale

So Gwen Stefani (AKA HarujukuLuva#1) is officially preggo. Congrats to Gwen and Gavin, I'm sure it will be beautiful...But I SWEAR, if they name that child Love, Angel, Music, or Baby, I will fucking kill somebody.

2005-12-09T16:41:00.000-05:00

Poor MK...

...She was so happy with Stavros on the trampoline! Until that Skank Ho Paris got her claws in him...

Check out this interview with MK in W magazine...

Then, this past fall, just as Mary-Kate was settling into Manhattan life and her sophomore year, Paris Hilton started dating Stavros Niarchos III, the Greek shipping heir and Olsen's boyfriend of five months. That, it seems, was the straw that broke the camel's back. In October, MK, as her friends call her, took a leave of absence from NYU and moved back to Los Angeles to pursue her acting career.

"It just got really hectic and I started feeling the city," says Olsen. "My world was really small when I was here." When asked if there was a specific incident that made her want to leave, Olsen shrugs: "I think we can all guess."

According to Olsen's best friend, Hayden Slater, the Hilton affair was very much a catalyst for the move. "She's really hurt. Did I see it coming? Absolutely not," he says. A senior at NYU, Slater met Olsen through her ex-boyfriend David Katzenberg and had been taking an acting class with her this past fall. "She likes to keep on the down-low and just hide out, and it's obviously really hard, especially with everything going on recently. She needed to get away from New York."

Olsen is loath to talk about Hilton, although she does concede that she unwittingly introduced her to Niarchos. "[Paris and I] always only had nice things to say about each other," she says. "Now I guess you can tell we're not talking." Of her former boyfriend, Olsen says, "I miss him and I love him and I don't speak with him anymore. It's a hurtful and painful subject. I've pretty much been with someone my whole life, so this is a hard time for me."

And now she's drowning her sorrows in caffeine...

...it's the Starbucks cup that has become Mary-Kate's most identifiable accessory. When I first meet her at 4:30 in the afternoon, she's nervously clutching a mug of coffee, then it's on to a Diet Coke. Before 10 p.m., she will drink two more Ventis and smoke several Marlboro Reds with her publicist, Michael Pagnotta, who has worked with her since she was five. (Of the two to four giant Starbucks beverages she downs a day, she says she generally alternates between chai latte and skim latte—though she recently discovered the red eye, a potent mix of coffee and espresso. "Those will wake you up," she says, chuckling.)

Jesus Christ, the Venti at Starbucks is bigger than she is! How could she possibly consume 4?

(article via PITNB, pics via JustJared)

2005-12-01T14:30:00.000-05:00

Kangaroo Wes

So it's still unclear if this is true or not and it may be horribly mean of me to hope that it is but it would just be such a hilarious fate to befall Real World Austins's Biggest Tool, Wes...

Wes was involved in a serious accident this morning (Australia time). Johanna called me this morning crying uncontrollably, it seems that a significant accident happened while on the set of the final challenge. Apparently they had a pen of Australian animals close by for some involvement in the final challenge. You know, wallabees, koalas, kangaroos -that sort of thing to aid flair to the Australian flavor of the show. During some down time while they were setting up the shoot, Wes wandered over tothe animal pen with some other cast members to kill some time. I didn't realize this (look it up on the internet) but if provoked it turns out that kangaroos can be really viscious and have been known to eviscerate people when in the wild.

The trainer was present, but not entirely paying attention. At some point (the details are a little fuzzy) the kangaroos attacked one of the female crew members. Being the workout fraternity type of guy, Wes leaped the pen and tried to wrestle the animal to the ground. Although he was fairly successful, the kangaroo did lots of damage to him. He wound up with a major concussion, some broken bones, and was torn up very badly (I'm told that the MTV exec in charge of production saw his skull through his torn scalp) and was taken to a local hospital unconscious. The crew member originally attacked had only minor scratches, thanks to Wes. Johanna related this to me this morning, and she's very shaken up. Wes isn't in a coma or anything, but has been slipping in and out of consciousness inthe hospital. He's in stable but serious condition. I know that they're calling in a plastic surgeon, because a large amount of the damage was to his face and scalp. The crew has postponed further shooting until they figure out what to do in his absence. I know that Jo is looking to book a flight to Australia, she's asking Bunim Murray to pay for it because it's so expensive this last minute. Apparently, so is Lacey (it was off camera, but there's lots of rumors about her and Wes having been together a short bit during the season). The big question on everyone's mind is whether they'll air the footage if the cameras were rolling, which would be unconscionable.

(pic and info via Planetsocks)

Also, as an aside, the guy that received the Wes email apparently has been stringing along his manager in a prank that is quite funny...the dude also manages other reality stars and has some shit to say about Trichelle...

2005-12-01T14:13:00.000-05:00

"Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."

Ok, so the Bar Mitzvah scene in LA and NY has always been a little crazy and over the top - my parents received an invite yesterday that was a faux marble ten commandments tablet, no joke - but I think we can all agree that it has now officially gotten out of hand...

For his daughter's coming-of-age celebration last weekend, multimillionaire Long Island defense contractor David H. Brooks booked two floors of the Rainbow Room, hauled in concert-ready equipment, built a stage, installed special carpeting, outfitted the space with Jumbotrons and arranged command performances by everyone from 50 Cent to Tom Petty to Aerosmith...

...The party cost an estimated $10 million, including the price of corporate jets to ferry the performers to and from. Also on the bill were The Eagles' Don Henley and Joe Walsh performing with Fleetwood Mac's Stevie Nicks; DJ AM (Nicole Richie's fiance); rap diva Ciara and, sadly perhaps (except that he received an estimated $250,000 for the job), Kenny G blowing on his soprano sax as more than 300 guests strolled and chatted into their pre-dinner cocktails.

The best part by far?...

For his estimated $500,000, I hear that 50 Cent performed only four or five songs - and badly - though he did manage to work in the lyric, "Go shorty, it's your bat miztvah, we gonna party like it's your bat mitzvah."

2005-11-18T12:51:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to be sick.

So Gawker has this feature where they document and narrate the douchebaggery that takes place on sites like Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, etc. Normally I read it, cringe, dry-heave, and move on...but this new horror that they have unearthed has really thrown me for a loop. Check it out and see Joey Arak's words of wisdom below for a breakdown. WTF, is all I can really say, WTF.

"...As these photo sites start to get a lot of mainstream media attention about how they’re documenting such an exciting and vibrant and risque nightlife scene, we have to ask, is it really so wild and crazy and awesome when it’s just the same 30 douchetwats playing grab-ass with each other 6 nights a week? Who is more played out? Us or them. Yup, you guessed it. Both. We all suck. More proof? Alright, well, over in Cobrasnake land, the motherfucker slapped his face on a turkey’s body and is selling it for 30 bucks. Need we really say more?"

2005-11-17T16:20:00.000-05:00

Real World: Battle of the Whores

On Craig's List today:

Want to Fuck a Reality Star - w4m - 22 Reply to: [redacted]@craigslist.org Date: 2005-11-16, 10:33PM PST
Former Reality Actress is looking for 30 guys for Porn. $100 pay - w4m

Beautiful reality actress from MTV Real World is doing her first independent porn. We are searching for 30 very good looking guys to be in video shoot. Must be very good looking, be in great shape, and have an extra large penis.

All guys that will be featured in the film will be in masks (think phantom of the opera eye masks), so strong jaw line, and pretty eyes are a must

Casting this Monday from 10pm-1am in Hollywood, shooting next weekend

So which one has gone from Playboy to porno first? You know it's got to be Trishelle or Tonya (above)...Do you think that "independent porn" means they're not required to do HIV/std testing?

(via Defamer)

2005-11-15T14:26:00.000-05:00

Criminally Stupid

This story is seriously one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard! Basically this sicko calls a McDonalds and convinces the clearly retarded assistant manager that he is the police and that she needs to take this poor young female employee into the back office and strip search her and do all kind of degrading things to her for 3 hours. The assistant manager claims that she was sure it was the police talking to her and that she had to comply, but how come 2 other employees who were put on the phone were able to see that it was clearly NOT the police and yet she wasn't? What a fucking idiot...I hope this employee wins a HUGE settlement from McDonalds...

2005-11-09T18:22:00.000-05:00

Poor Babies

This site is hilarious...child-hating contributors send in "reviews" of various infants they have encountered. This one is particularly good...

Little Miss B-O-R-I-N-G
Name: Madison White
Age: 4 weeks
Reviewer: Donald Corner

I once watched Madison’s father stumble out of a dive bar with a leathery old whore so he could sodomize her in the back seat of his Jetta. Back then, I thought I was witnessing the final, sordid aria of my friend's operatic downward spiral, but what I could never have predicted was that his true denouement would be less Icarus, more common animal dying in the woods.

To be blunt, spending a recent afternoon with Madison and her father, whom I used to call friend, was to watch a once vibrant (if flawed) man slowly decay and putrefy before my very eyes. Honestly, how he could be so enamored by this child’s tired, clichéd charms simply boggles the sophisticated mind!...

(via Best Week Ever Blog)

2005-11-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

Sympathy for the Devil?

This story of sleazy Girls Gone Wild mogul Joe Francis' alleged sexual torture and blackmail at the hands of a shady hollywood hustler is CRAZY. Here's an excerpt but you should really read the whole thing- it is riveting stuff, I tell you...

"The videotape on the screen in front of me is stark, grainy. The color is garish, almost fluorescent, possibly from too many generations of loosely authorized copying. A shirtless male figure lies face down on a mattress, his head resting on a pillow. His eyes flutter at half-mast. His mouth is puddled in a stuporous grin, and he looks very, very high. The camera pans to reveal his pants dragged down around his knees and a pink vibrator resting on the crest of his buttocks, lazily gyrating with an irritating whine. The mood is hardly erotic. The man on the screen looks like a hostage in one of those videos streaming out of war-ravaged Iraq: disheveled, sleep-deprived, disoriented, and, just maybe, fearing something on the order of an on-camera beheading. “My name is Joe Francis,” he says repeatedly in a damaged monotone, slurring his words in a continuous stream. “I’m from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it up the ass.”

The copy of this tape currently in the possession of the LAPD is the unlikely centerpiece of a trial that is set to begin next year — one that pits Francis, the 32-year-old multi-millionaire kingpin of the Girls Gone Wild video empire, against a small-time hustler who allegedly video-taped Francis in humiliating positions while holding him at gunpoint and later tried to blackmail his victim by threatening to release the tape. While the case has received scant attention, that is certain to change when the identity of the victim becomes more widely known. Francis, after all, has built a business worth an estimated $100 million out of selling tapes of rowdy, unclothed, and often barely legal young women engaging in “Raw! Real! Uncut!” softcore action in college and spring break towns across America.

The irony is self-evident. But exactly how Francis came to confess on-camera to sexual proclivities so heretical to his show-us-your-tits philosophy is a circuitous tale involving a world of hustlers, heiresses, boxers, Russian bail bondsmen, and blind pop stars..."

(via Defamer)

2005-11-04T14:47:00.000-05:00

“Bitch, stop talking to me! I’m nice!”

So...apparently Ashlee Simpson staggered into a McDonalds in Toronto and had some sort of altercation with the staff which was caught on videotape...You can check it out here and here.

Defamer helpfully provides a play-by-play:

· After several loud complaints from Simpson about the service, an irritated employee says, “I need a manager up front, please!” Ashlee then begins to climb over the sacred service counter (have you ever?), shouting, “Please get the manager, I would love to talk to the manager!”

· When the employee tells her to get down, Simpson says, “Bitch, stop talking to me! I’m nice!”

· Ashlee then engages employee in an ‘I know you are but what am I’-style debate about whether or not the M.I.A. manager will “be nice” to her. So certain is she of said manager’s impending kindness, she offers to bet employee “5 million dollars that he will be nice” to her. Employee, working at a Canadian McDonald’s and not having a #1 record at the moment, passes.

· “No. I will not take a picture with you,” Simpson slurs to a fan. “You would not kiss my foot. So fuck you!”

2005-11-03T16:56:00.000-05:00

...And now for another TITC update

The plot outline of Trapped in the Closet chapters 9-12 has been revealed!:

A little person who's packing, two interracial romances, more gunplay and yet another plot twist close out Chapters 9-12 of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" saga.

You read here a couple of weeks back that Chapter 8 ends with police officer James' wife hiding her lover in the house (see "The Latest From R. Kelly's 'Closet': Shots Fired — And A Spatula ..."). Could it be that, in the mother of all ironies, he too would conceal himself in the closet? Not quite.

Bridget, who we find out is Caucasian in the video for Chapter 8, has another man in the house, all right — but he's not in the closet. In Chapter 9, we learn that Bridget's other man is actually small enough to find a better hiding place: He's in a cabinet under the sink.

James is shocked, Bridget is upset and her lover — who we later find out is nicknamed "Big Man" because he is well endowed — is so deathly afraid he starts to pass gas. Faced with the fact that his wife is guilty of adultery — just as he is — James goes ballistic and pulls out his gun.

Chapters 10 and 11 get even funnier and crazier. Sylvester and his brother-in-law Twan wind up at James' house and get into another armed face-off with the cop — joined by shotgun-toting Bridget. And Big Man is just trying to get out alive. This time we learn Bridget's second secret — she's scandalous! — and Big Man's profession (You'll never believe it. Let's just say he can't be shy to do his job).

Chapter 12 closes out back where Chapter 1 started; in the home of Pastor Rufus and his wife, Kathy. Kelly picks up right where he left off: Sylvester has just left the house and husband, wife and gay lover are all quarrelling. Rufus' boyfriend, the former transvestite Chuck, is so tired of Kathy he pulls out a knife and threatens to cut her. And that's just the start of Kathy's problems. In yet another story twist, she gets a phone call and learns that a one-night stand isn't her only connection to Sylvester.

Also, check out this article which solicits a variety of opinions on the burning question: Trapped in the Closet- the epic of our time? The answer...a resounding YES!

2005-11-03T13:54:00.000-05:00

Who's your Daddy?

In case you haven't heard K. Fed's new song yet you can hear it here and here...

But the lyrics are the best part:

I should be saying keep my damn name outcha mouth but y'all people keep increasing my change amount
So, go ahead and say whatcha wanna, I'm gonna sell bout two mill, fool, then I'm a-gonna
I know you wish you was in my position cuz I keep getting into situations that you wish you wuz in, cousin
I'm not your brother, not your uncle, I'm daddy, dude
Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue
My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008
But I know that you really can't wait because people are always askin' me -- when's the release date?
Well maybe baby you can wait and see
Until then, all these Pavarottis following me
Gettin' anxious, go take a peek, I'm starring in your magazine now every day of the week
Back, then, they call me K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy instead...

2005-11-01T18:16:00.000-05:00

"The Gwenihana Four"

What you Waiting For
I can't wait to go
Back into Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style...

Rich Girl
I'd get me four Harajuku girls to
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

Harajuku Girls
Harajuku Girls you got the wicked style
I like the way that you are, I am your biggest fan
Harajuku Girls you got the wicked style
I like the way that you are, I am your biggest fan

So I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who is disturbed by Gwen Stefani's blatant Harajuku pandering/imprisonment. This site I stumbled on is hilarious...Free the Gwenihana Four: A blog in support of the four "harajuku girls" serving an unspecified term in the custody of Gwen Stefani.

Though my original intention was to post Margaret Cho's comments on the phenomenon, which are also quite interesting...

"I like Gwen Stefani, she's alright. She is very stylish and has a nice voice and a really flat stomach. She is a rock star, and quite good at it. I am always impressed by her platinum hair and her incredibly organized steamer trunks...

Now she has 4 things all together, the Harajuku Girls. I want to like them, and I want to think they are great, but I am not sure if I can. I mean, racial stereotypes are really cute sometimes, and I don't want to bum everyone out by pointing out the minstrel show. I think it is totally acceptable to enjoy the Harajuku girls, because there are not that many other Asian people out there in the media really, so we have to take whatever we can get. Amos 'n Andy had lots of fans, didn't they? At least it is a measure of visibility, which is much better than invisibility. I am so sick of not existing, that I would settle for following any white person around with an umbrella just so I could say I was there."

(via Best Week Ever Blog)

2005-11-01T17:02:00.000-05:00

I'm your Sexosaurus

The Go Fug Yourself Ladies take on R. Kelly. Hilarity ensues. A sampling:

"I assume the finger guns are there because he couldn't whip out his Beretta, as is his wont, and wave it around haphazardly while urging us all to handle things 'Christian-like.'"

...And speaking of hilarity and all things R. Kelly...Heather and I luckily thought to tivo R's performance on Jimmy Kimmel last friday and thank GOD we did because it was quite something. First of all, Jimmy is totally on the same page with us and our Trapped in the Closet obsession and for that we love him (Jimmy, you complete us). Secondly, R informed us that he is currently working on chapter 22 (!) of of TITC and that the saga will go on "forever" (!!!). And last but not least, R gave a performance that was notable for many things, but most importantly, an a cappella interlude that featured the lyrics:

"I'll make you wetter than a tropical rainforest
It's like Jurassic Park but I'm your Sexosaurus."

Oh yes he did.

2005-10-21T12:21:00.000-04:00

"She's just a jealous, ugly, anorexic idiot"

This video clip of Paris and sidekick skanks, Kim Stewart and Bijou Phillips is great!...As the sluts leave Koi for Spider and are besieged by paparazzi, Bijou hands a cell phone to Paris on which she hilariously crows,

"She's just a jealous, ugly, anorexic idiot...I know, it's pathetic!"

The best part is trying to deduce just which jealous anorexic Paris is referring to...Is it MK Olsen, confirmed anorexic and the latest victim of Paris' backstabbing sluttery? Or could it be Nicole Ritchie, anorexic du jour and long time Paris feud-er? Ot maybe it's Lindsay Lohan, sometimes anorexic and reportedly also a recent Paris Hater?

I guess when you're a stupid spoiled whore, you end up with a lot of hateration in your dancery!.

(via Gawker)

2005-10-20T19:40:00.000-04:00

R. Kelly Update!!!

OMG, an update on the antics in chapters 7 and 8 has been posted on Oh No They Didnt. Also, someone posted those amazing R. Kelly buttons above.:

The Latest From R. Kelly's 'Closet': Shots Fired — And A Spatula ...

In R. Kelly's newest episodes of "Trapped in the Closet," the guns are not only drawn — somebody gets blasted.

A video for Chapter 6 has hit the airwaves, and Chapters 7 and 8 are on the radio.

To backtrack, if you remember how Chapter 5 left off, Kelly's character of Sylvester found out his wife was cheating on him with a police officer who had just pulled him over and issued a speeding ticket (see "R. Kelly On The Genesis Of 'Trapped': 'It Was Like A Sucker Punch' " and "R. Kelly Shoots More Chapters For 'Trapped In The Closet' Saga").

Well, considering that Sylvester told his wife she was going to be "breathless" when he found out about the adultery, you'd think that he would totally spaz out at the beginning of Chapter 6. Well, no ...

In fact, his reaction is all the way at the other end of the spectrum: Sylvester breaks out in laughter, hysterical laughter. It seems that his crazy night and morning have been so wild, all he can do is laugh. His wife begins laughing as well — but their smiles soon become frowns of desperation when the cop Sylvester's wife has been cheating with returns to the house.

The officer feared for the woman's safety and busted back into the crib with his gun drawn. Sylvester, as you remember, is strapped with his trusty Beretta. In the middle of face-off, Sylvester lowers his weapon, but the thought of another man sleeping with his spouse enrages him and he leaps at the cop. A shot goes off as Chapter 6 closes.

At the start of Chapter 7, the suspense is at its peak. Who got shot? Sylvester? His wife? The cop?

Turns out it was Sylvester's brother-in-law Twan, who was briefly mentioned in Chapters 4 and 5. As Twan lies on the floor bleeding, the other people argue. You'll have to listen to song to find out Twan's fate, but know that at the end, a new character is introduced: "Rosie the Nosey Neighbor." She tries to engage in some heroics of her own heroics with her weapon of choice — a spatula.

As Chapter 8 commences, the officer finally makes it out of Sylvester's house and heads to his own crib. We meet his wife, Bridget, who has a deep Southern accent (Kelly actually sings in deep, down-bottom drawl when voicing her lines). Like everyone else in the story, Bridget is hiding something, too: Her lover is still in the house. Maybe he's trapped in the closet as well.

2005-10-20T17:24:00.000-04:00

"Human landfill"
The LA Times published an amazing 5-part series about the conditions on Skid Row downtown. As anyone who's seen it knows, Skid Row is a horrifying national disgrace- the fact that we allow our disabled, mentally ill,veterans, children, etc to live like this while turning a blind eye is really disgusting...Everyone, especially those of us who live in LA, should read this and learn more about the situation.

From the article "Demons are Winning on Skid Row":

Skid row exists because we've created it — although until now, with the downtown renaissance approaching its borders, we've mostly been able to ignore it.

By shutting mental hospitals, adding thousands to the rolls of medically uninsured, skimping on rehab and keeping social services out of respectable neighborhoods, we've guaranteed this teeming human landfill.

2005-10-12T16:12:00.000-04:00

Hear Yea! Hear Yea!...
...I'd like to take this opportunity to officially re-name the fetus, currently known as "Baby Cruise", (allegedly belonging to Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise)...

As of this moment, Baby Cruise shall be called....wait for it...

L. Spawn Hubbard

pic via Gawker

2005-10-05T18:38:00.000-04:00

"I told you, give me your first-born and I'll let you go"

Tom & Katie Expecting a Baby
Wednesday Oct 05, 2005 3:30pm EST

Tom Cruise's fiancée, Katie Holmes, is pregnant with the couple's child, Cruise's spokesperson, Lee Anne DeVette, tells PEOPLE exclusively.

"Tom and Katie are very excited, and the entire family is very excited," says DeVette.

Cruise, who has two children, Connor, 10, and Isabella, 12, with ex-wife Nicole Kidman, began dating Holmes in mid-April. He proposed to her atop the Eiffel Tower in Paris in June. DeVette says there is no wedding date set.

DeVette would not comment on the baby's gender or say how far along the pregnancy is. The rep did say that Holmes, 26, "has never felt better."

Cruise, 43, is currently shooting Mission: Impossible 3 in Los Angeles.

Let's hope she doesn't develop post-partum depression. Or maybe let's hope that she does...heeheehee. Ok, that was mean.

2005-10-03T17:08:00.000-04:00

A Very Apt Parallel

I, too, have always thought Star Jones showed more than a passing resemblence to Ursula the Sea Witch.
(pic via D-Listed)

P.S.
OMG, Vomit! Star Jones' banner headline on her website is "I am the author of the only dictionary that defines me". Ugh, what the fuck is that even supposed to MEAN?!?!

2005-10-03T16:51:00.000-04:00

What the...

ok, it's official. Nicole Ritchie is disgusting. She's gone from "so skinny that she looks like a 11 year-old boy" to "so skinny that you can't tell her front from her back." Nicole, get some help. Seriously. Please.

(pic via E!online and PITNB)

2005-10-03T16:41:00.000-04:00

Kate's Cocaine Caper: The Video

If you want to see the video from the great "Kate Moss Cocaine Investigation", it is here...

PS
I love the commentary...

"Anyone who doesn’t even put their cigarette down to do coke should be arrested just on general principle."

Hee!

2005-09-30T14:51:00.000-04:00

Your New Worst Enemy

Ugh, I don't know what they were thinking, but Friendster has added this feature (without alerting anyone!) where you can see everyone who has looked at your profile! It is truly horrifying for those who like to kill time with a little mild, harmless cyber-stalking...Luckily, it doesn't show how MANY times someone has viewed a given profile, or lives could seriously be ruined here. Also, there IS a way to fix it (though not the damage that has already been done). Before you click on anyone else's profile, go into "My Settings" and change yourself over to "view profiles anonymously". Then go obsessively check out whose been looking at you. It will help soothe your wounds.

Bastards. MySpace Tom would never pull this shit!

(screencap via Gawker)

UPDATE: Matt just called to tell me that, even though I switched myself to Anonymous, I still showed up in his in his viewed log this AM. Fuckers. We will conduct some more internal testing and report back. Also, Leah has fired off an angry letter to the Fuckster headquarters (and notified Gawker) and my sister wants to sue the bejezus out of them...I'll keep you posted of any class-action suits that arise.

You Can't Make It Up has posted a tres amusante friendster obituary that includes transcription of an AIM convo that I'm sure took place on many a computer in the last 24 hours...

Friend: OMG
Friend: on friendster
Michelle: ?
Friend: you can now see WHO'S VIEWED YOU
Michelle: WHAT.
Michelle: WHATWHATWHATWHAT
Michelle: WHATWHATWHAT
Friend: i know i know
Michelle: WHATWAHTW!@@#$09:-(;-)89ru0p2q3 r5
Friend: omgomgomgomgomg
Michelle: i am ALITERALLY DYING!
Friend: this is fucking crazy
Michelle: hahahah
Friend: my palms are literally sweating
Michelle: OMFUCKINGGODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD
DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDddddd......

2005-09-29T19:20:00.000-04:00

"Jigga what?"

Have you seen the commercial for Britney Spears' new perfume, Fantasy? Well, if you haven't, Television Without Pity captured it well...Keep your eye out for the commercial though, it's really quite something...

"Suddenly we are transported into a dank-looking forest and hear a half-wit voice over, "Once upon a time there was a goddess...and a hunter. She was beautiful, and he couldn't help himself." Yes, everyone, it is Britney Spears. And this dank forest isn't just any moldy rotfest, but rather is symbolic of her vagina. And also...beautiful goddess? And the hunter is maybe K. Fed or maybe a cunning look-alike, though I can't imagine what on his schedule would prevent Cletus from being in this commercial. Britney continues to voice over, "There wasn't a single part of her he didn't want to touch." Unlike the rest of us, who couldn't imagine a single part of her we WOULD want to touch. Also, even her cheese feet? Britney throws some sort of fairy dust at him, and Cletus the Hunter, complete with bow and arrow, runs to find her, breezing past a tree trunk upon which is carved "Britney + Kevin." Gross. "But she was leaving soon," the narration continues, "on a goddess world tour." Jigga what? We get a flash of modern-day Britney in concert. An owl looks askance at the pair. "So he did something kind of crazy..." Um, left his seven-months-pregnant wife only to introduce her to the wonders of crystal meth, knock her up, and secure a future full of all the manpris money can buy? No, as it turns out he shot her with a "magic love arrow." Well, if that's what the kids are calling it these days. And they lived happily ever after. Turns out it is an ad for Fantasy, a new fragrance by Britney Spears. "Fantasy. Everybody has one." My fantasy is that the two of them go away, for real this time."

2005-09-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

"The Art of Retouching"

DListed posted this link to this retoucher's website where you can check out the before and afters...good times...I actually felt like, for the most part, people looked pretty good pre-retouch anyway. I would have liked to see more cellulite and acne. But I'm a bitch like that. And for some reason, he seems to take all the black people from brown to orange...it's weird. The Erykah Badu ones are the best (worst?)...Her "Before" is at left.

2005-09-29T16:49:00.000-04:00

Star Magazine: A committment to quality journalism

Gawker really puts it best...

"Star breaks the Watergatian news today that Jennifer Aniston has taken to saying that Angelina Jolie looks like Gollum. Helpfully, the magazine then considers whether it’s a reasonable charge..."

(there's a bigger image there too)

I love the side-by-side comparison of Oscars, box office, charity work, wardrobe, etc. My fave is "flaws", which is the same for both Angelina and Gollum: Bony, clawlike hands...hee!

You've just got to love Star Magazine!

2005-09-20T19:33:00.000-04:00

Trapped in the Closet: A Resource Manual

Some of you know of my obsession with R. Kelly's "urban operetta", Trapped in the Closet. Let me just say that if you haven't seen it in it's entirety, you are MISSING OUT. You have no idea the levels of insanity that are present here. I guess once you've videotaped yourself pissing on 14 year-olds, there's really no where else to go except off the deep end.

The video raises a lot of questions...questions like, "What message is R. Kelly trying to send us?" (Cheating is bad?) and "Is R. Kelly- an accused child pornographer and pedophile- really the right person to deliver this particular message?" and "What the fuck?". For those of you struggling with these questions, I have some resources for you...

1) If you still haven't seen TITC, I believe you can view it here. Also, if you have tivo, do a keyword search for R. Kelly...they are playing it on MTV2 pretty regularly.

2) You can find the full lyrics here. A sampling..."I close my mouth,and swallow spit, as I'm thinking to myself this is some deep shit"

3) Wikipedia has a nice chapter-by-chapter breakdown of the action. Plus I think there are links to the videos.

4) Here is a pretty accurate review...an excerpt:

One thing is clear: when he's not busy defending himself against statutory rape charges, R&B star R. Kelly has ample time to immerse himself in watching daytime soap operas. How else to explain Trapped in the Closet, the five-part song cycle that closes out his latest album, TP.3 Reloaded?...Simply put, Trapped in the Closet is the worst thing I've ever heard or seen...Of course, like a daytime soap, Trapped in the Closet often falls into the "so-bad-it's-good" category. I heartily recommend that you watch the video (which has been airing in its entirety on MTV 2) because it's not all that often that you get a chance to revel in something so sublimely awful as this.

5) And last but not least...my personal favorite...Trapped in the Closet: the Cliff Notes...

The best part is the glossary definitions and the essay questions...some samples...

Glossary :

Bogus shit: Unpleasant business.
Mack shit: The lies of an insincere womanizer.
Nigga: A negro.

Essay questions:

1. Why does Chuck look for Sylvester under the dresser? How big do you imagine the dresser to be?

2. In chapter four, what does Sylvester mean by "a tear fell up out my eye?"

3. When Sylvester's wife is describing the string of friends that led to the policeman, who is Tina and where does she fit into anything?

2005-09-20T17:18:00.000-04:00

Busted!ok, so this happened last week but I'm still posting about it because it's still relevent as Kate just got chucked from her H&M contract today...How much longer before Rimmel, Chanel, Burberry and Dior follow suit?...

EXCLUSIVE: COCAINE KATE
15 September 2005
By Stephen Moyes

THE Daily Mirror today reveals shocking pictures of supermodel Kate Moss snorting a fat line of cocaine during a debauched drugs and drink session with junkie lover Pete Doherty...

...It is clear from the extraordinary images, captured during a Mirror undercover investigation, that the 31-year-old catwalk queen is a practised user. Rumours of her drug habits have circulated for years but she has always denied taking Class As such as cocaine.

In a West London recording studio, though, Kate chats casually with Doherty and pals as she absent-mindedly crushes and chops out the chunky lines on the back of a plastic CD cover. With her blonde hair hanging untidily around her shoulders, the model icon, worth £30 million, prepares up to 20 lines of coke in just 40 minutes.

Using a mammoth stash, which she kept safely wrapped in her handbag, Kate - mother of a two-year-old daughter - has no qualms about being seen with the illegal drugs...

2005-09-13T15:27:00.000-04:00

Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

You Can't Make It Up has created a gem that turned my frown upside down on this grim, overcast, injury-ridden day...may I present...

The Martha Dumptruck/Andy Milonakis Conspiracy

Today I propose we play a little game, where we decide if the picture in question is of Martha Dumptruck, from possibly the best movie from the 1980's, Heathers, or Andy Milonakis, the funny, baby-faced 29-year-old star of the self-titled Andy Milonakis Show. The similarities are so startling, it makes you wonder where these two were between 1990-2004... Parent Trap remake, anyone?

(photomontage courtesy of defamer)

2005-09-13T15:20:00.000-04:00

The Klutz in the Bubble

This is going to be me.

I want to cry. Just now, literally 30 seconds after complaining to my co-worker that I have my right wrist in a splint (quasi-carpal tunnel) and my right ankle in an ace bandage (sprained ankle from sat night) I slip on the newly waxed floors on the way to the bathroom and twist my LEFT ankle for good measure. I literally fell on the floor outside the bathroom. Luckily no one saw or heard it. But now, when I get home tonight I am going to have to ice 3 out of 4 limbs. That is just sad. Its not like I'm some Xtreme athlete or something. I am hurting myself just WALKING and TYPING. I need to be put in a plastic bubble or something away from society.

2005-08-31T16:34:00.000-04:00

As Nasty As They Wanna Be

This article about the reality-whore trainwreck show Kill Reality almost made me puke...

The whole cast was drunk or wasted throughout the taping, and everyone was having sex with everyone else,” says the insider. “Not only were there orgies, but at one point someone relieved himself on Trishelle [Canatella, of Real World: Las Vegas and Playboy fame] in full view of the cameras—and, from what I saw, she loved it.” In another booze-fueled bacchanal, we hear Tonya Cooley, the lusty blonde of Real World: Chicago fame, begged co-stars to do lines off her genitals “because it turns her on.”

Oh dear god. Just thinking about the putrid STD-stew in that house is giving me crabs. Bleccch.

2005-08-22T19:51:00.000-04:00

American Pie Survival Rate Looks Bleak

Wow, time is not treating these American Pie actresses very well at all...

Back in the good old days...Natasha and Tara in American Pie, circa 1999...

Natasha's mugshot in 2001 and of course the mess that is Tara Reid in 2005.

Remember the Jane Magazine article back in April that talked about Natasha Lyonne's downward spiral into drugs and general filth, written by her former friend and landlord, Michael Rappaport? Now it seems that, probably inevitably, things have gotten even worse. Access Hollywood and the NY Post are reporting:

...Natasha, 26, is struggling to survive in New York City's Beth Israel Hospital intensive care.

Reportedly, Natasha is suffering from hepatitis C, a heart infection, a collapsed lung and is covered in track marks.

She's also undergoing methadone treatment – typically used to help heroin users...

What a mess. I'm glad I couldn't find a more recent picture of her. It sounds like at this point she would make Tara look like the very picture of sobriety and healthy living. Quite a feat indeed.

(pics via Smoking Gun and D-Listed)

2005-08-22T14:14:00.000-04:00

So You Think You Can Smile?

If you watch the show So You Think You Can Dance?, you are familiar with said show's superfluous host, Lauren Sanchez (who also anchors several local news shows in LA).

I hate to do this to her, since she apparently just got married this weekend...BUT...I'm going to anyway...

I going to be frank here, this woman scares the shit out of me. She is the ultimate Hollywood C-List Casuality. She can't be older than, what? 35? but she has already had so much plastic surgery that her face is beginning to take on a JaniceDickinsonian likeness.

Now I'm not saying that she's not attractive at first glance, but when you notice how stiff her face is and how her eyebrows are psychotically arched up into the middle of her forehead and how she appears to have some sort of painfully sharp cheek implants...then you realize that she has been totally reassembled and must look nothing like the original model. To wit...

This is what she looked like before (most) of the work was done...

And this is what she looks like now...

(pics via TVgasm and rickey.org, who helpfully provides a breakdown of her possible surgeries)

2005-08-19T17:53:00.000-04:00

ANTM Prep

I love fourfour's breakdown of the upcoming season of America's Next Top Model...he's already begun critiquing the models, because:

...if there's one thing ANTM has taught me it's that you can judge a book even before you see its cover because what the hell is a book?...

(Love it!)

Even though I know that this will only resonate with a select handful of people who've watched Dirty Dancing way too many times (namely women in their late 20's and most gay men), he has hit it so dead-on with this one that it is frightening...

"Like a cross between Gina Gershon, that older-woman floozy in Dirty Dancing, and a penis."

Come on, people...this is genius.

2005-08-18T18:12:00.000-04:00

WTF: Presenting...Carrot Top?!?!

Can this pic of Carrot Top be for real? When did he get so beefy?
(via DListed)

2005-08-17T19:28:00.000-04:00

Lucky gets lucky

Hilarious commentary (and screencaps) from TVgasm on the most recent episode of Surreal Life:

...Back at the Surreal House, it was "contrived slumber party" time, and each guest could invite a friend. Pepa brought in Spinderella, which was pretty cool. Janice brought some loser named Vince, Caprice invited some girlfriend, Hart brought in his boy, and Jose brought his dog, Zeus. Balki brought...no one. Geez, I knew the dude was a loser, but this is getting sad. Where was Cousin Larry for Christ's sake? Help a brother out! In the end, Zeus and the resident 3-legged dog Lucky seemed to have the most fun, except when poor Lucky was trying to get lucky, he kept falling over due to his missing appendage. Yes, I was watching gay crippled dog sex on my TV and laughing at it. Is that bad?...

Hee! Oh, TVgasm, you kill me!

2005-08-16T18:02:00.000-04:00

Tara Reid (and her jugs) Must Be Stopped

Tara Reid seems to think that hosting Wild On- or as it's now called, "Taradise"- gives her license to perpetually act like a 17 year-old on Spring Break in Daytona...Problem is, she's 30. Pull it together, Tara. Please...

These pics and more at OhNoTheyDidnt)

2005-08-12T15:42:00.000-04:00

Paging Jeff Van Vonderen and Candy Finnegan!..

Ugh, someone needs to do an intervention with Teri Hatcher, pronto!...she is starting to head into Lara Flynn Boyle territory again. Nasty! Look at her legs!

2005-08-09T18:50:00.000-04:00

Guilty Feet Have Got No Rhythm

Anyone who's seen my coffee table, ipod, movie collection, or Tivo knows that I don't feel too guilty about my Guilty Pleasures (Star Magazine/Kelly Clarkson/Dirty Dancing/Real World-Road Rules Challenge, respectively)...but I still can relate to this article, Guilty Pleasures, Embarrassing Truths...

...You too have a secret favorite, and the chances are you can’t even admit it. You rationalize it by saying something like, “it’s just mindless entertainment that helps me unwind,” or that you “sometimes need to shut your brain off,” or worse yet, “it just reminds me of…(insert boring nostalgic story here)”

The real truth is that you have terrible taste, and no soul. You watched You Got Served on HBO last month. You laugh every time you see Men in Black. You whistle along to Patience, and you’d rather watch “Fear Factor” than anything on the Discovery Channel. Welcome to the club...

Sing it, Sister! It's time for us all to come clean, drop the act, and get over it...If you secretly prefer Chasing Liberty to Citizen Kane, say it loud and say it proud...despite the ridicule. You'll feel so much better.

2005-08-09T16:27:00.000-04:00

I may be a Crazy Cat Lady

OMG, I am loving this site stuffonmycat.com!...It reminds me of the late Oolong, the rabbit who balanced stuff on his head. So cute...
(via Defamer)

2005-08-08T19:13:00.000-04:00

Here we go again?

I hate to say it...but...take a look at these pics of Courtney Love at Comedy Central's roasting of Pamela Anderson and tell me there is ANY POSSIBLE WAY she could really be sober? Poor Frances Bean...she and Bobby Kristina should really get together..I think they'd have lots to talk about.

2005-08-05T19:29:00.000-04:00

With Arms Wide Open?

This is pretty awesome...though I do feel (very slightly) bad for the guy...

Scott Stapp, former lead singer of the pseudo-Christian torture factory that was Creed, provides an object lesson in how to fuck your C-level celebrityhood beyond all recognition.

Short Story: Scott Stapp gets thrown off of a plane for being a drunk fuck, hits on some skeeze at the airport bar, and then has his filthy skank sister drive him all over Florida searching for his mystery cooze.

This amazing journey takes them to a Gainesville, Florida Denny's, whereupon he is viciously mocked by his adoring fans.

The story becomes incandescent with delicious detail at this point. The Lexapro, the coke-fuelled pussy hunt, getting robbed by an LJ troll, and having his girlfriend's receipts for boob jobs stolen.

These are the links to the long version of the story...

My favorite part...

The girl who is keeping track of him via cell phone convos lets me know that Creed has been in fine form so far tonight. Here is how one of the conversations went:

Creed: "Do you have an accoustic guitar with you in Gainesville?"
Her: "Um, yeah."
Creed: "Good, maybe you can help me write my new hit single!"
Me, after hearing the story: "I applaud your ability not to vomit at that."

(via Stereogum)