Wednesday, March 31, 2004

I heart the Onion

Fuck-Buddy Becomes Fuck-Fiancé
MIAMI, FL—In spite of the explicitly casual nature of their relationship, fuck-buddies Nora Ingersoll and Keith Hetzel are engaged, friend Tom Stipps reported Tuesday. "Keith and Nora have been fooling around for years, but Keith said they were just friends," Stipps said. "I was shocked when Nora showed up wearing a ring." Later that day, the couple reportedly opened a fuck-joint-checking account.

Sick As A Dog
This one is for Sparky and Jake, who have both weathered gastrointestinal issues of late...

"What could be worse than awakening to a 125 pound Bullmastiff covered in shit you ask? How about explosive vomit all over the carpet. Yes, these are good times here at The Show. To make matters worse, or more interesting, depending on your pov, the DWP decided that this was the night to turn off the water and repair all mains in the area. Rationing water becomes serious business when you've got a dog with a bad case of the explosive shits."

Perhaps the Pet Psychic could get to the bottom of this epidemic.

Who Wants To Be The President?
This is very worrisome.

AMERICAN CANDIDATE will attempt to identify one individual who has the qualifications and qualities to be President of the United States. This summer, AMERICAN CANDIDATE will debut with 12 contestants from all walks of life. Over the course of 10 weeks, those 12 will face-off against each other in a series of challenges designed to test their presidential mettle and to show viewers what really goes on in the making of a presidential candidate. Week-by-week, the original pool of candidates will be winnowed down. The final episode will be a showdown between the remaining two candidates, and one person will emerge victorious -- the "American Candidate."

A series of challenges? What kind of challenges- get rid of the national deficit while being pelted with nacho cheese? Why do I feel like we are going to end up with Trishelle or Omorosa as our president? I'm scared, hold me.

"Lifetime" Acheivement
Hee hee, I like this snarky gawker bit on MOMA's party for Sofia Coppola:

"Last night, the Museum of Modern Art gave Sofia Coppola a lifetime achievement award for her decades of work in film. First, a conversation with NYT film critic Elvis Mitchell before a rapt audience, and then an oh-so-downtown nightclub party. God bless Sofia -- all those movies she's made over the years have kept us entertained. Throughout her lengthy career, we've laughed, cried, and gone to the movies at least -- I mean, at most -- twice."

To be fair, the party was actually a celebration of "a distinctive directorial voice in the art of filmmaking" and not really a lifetime acheivment award but it's still damn funny.


Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Media Whores Take It To The Next Level
This is so sick and wrong. Alton and Irulan from Real World Las Vegas have a dating website called "Alton and Irulan's Make Love Happen.com" .

"We’ve been asked by so many people: How do we do it? How do we stay together? When did we know that we found love? We decided to help other people find love like we did by giving them the chance to find their true love and soulmate through makelovehappen.com. This website can almost guarantee that you will find someone to love and be loved right back if you take the steps that we did and feel the way about your loved one like the way we feel for each other. You’ll for sure come out a winner in love."

Thanks to the Planet Socks posters for this one...

All I Wanted Was Some Chicken Nuggets
I know the Courtney stuff is getting old but I just can't help myself. From Page Six:

Courtney Love's bosom buddy isn't done milking his moment of media infamy. Kofi Asare, famously photographed suckling on Love's breast outside a Union Square Wendy's, is capitalizing on PAGE SIX's coverage of his titillating escapades by releasing a rap mixtape. Asare says it will be called either "Milk Money" or "All I Wanted Was Some Chicken Nuggets." Asare is philosophical about his 15 minutes of fame: "I guess that's the best thing about sucking a breast. Both people get something out of it. It's a good exchange."

You ain't no Richard Gere!
Well, this is depressing. More great news for single women in NYC:

...there’s a good chance that an eligible New York bachelor over 30 has paid for sex of some sort at least once in his life....“Every guy I know has been with a prostitute,” says my friend David, 46, an actor and writer who solicited quite a few before he was married.

No Sex In The City
This article, Why My Wife Won’t Sleep With Me: Confessions of a Dependent Male outlines the author's frustrated efforts to get into his exhausted wife's pants.

"Finding ourselves unexpectedly without children or chores one afternoon—someone had called to see if our daughter could stay at her house longer, my son was at a matinee—I raised the subject, and also an eyebrow. My wife looked at me as if I were speaking Urdu."

It is kind of depressing (is this really what's going to happen to my sex drive?) but kind of oddly sweet too. And I like this part:

" I think most men are like me in this regard. Given the choice between fucking and just about anything else, they’ll go for the former. Does that make us stupider than women? It certainly makes us simpler."

Take this quiz and answer the burning question: "Which character from "The Goonies" are you?"
P.S. I'm Mouth


Monday, March 29, 2004

True Confessions
I am late on this bandwagon but this site is great- a huge collection of random people's confessions about random things- it is totally addictive...I can't stop looking....
A sample confession:
"A few things- at work, i spend most of my day following horse racing and betting online at which i am now quite good. My girlfriend wonders why i never want to shag her, answer is she is a fat, annoying unttractive heap of crap and i'lld rather shag a mouldy cabbage. lastly when i was about 15 i used a winesaver vaccum pump as a make shift penis pump, and it worked!"

Self-Help Mockery
I love this 2 part article on Salon. This author tries to follow the steps outlined in the frightening book "Find a Husband After 35 Using What I Learned at Harvard Business School: A 15-Step Action Program". It is beyond ridiculous. I read the article last November and I still giggle about my favorite part:

"I am trying to mix up my routine a bit, as she instructs -- take the long way home, walk into a man-friendly store I would normally pass. The other day I walked 11 blocks out of my way to take a different subway. I pass four gorgeous guys in a row. Then a fifth. This is fabulous! Then it hits me -- it is fabulous. I've crossed over the rainbow and into Chelsea. The next two men who pass me are holding hands and I realize that nobody here wants to marry me."

Let's Get Physical
Take this "Ph.D.-formulated Physical Attraction Test"by match.com- it's fun and is sure to take up at least 15-20 minutes...
FYI, according to the report, I like the "pretty boys" and the "ruggedly handsome".

Subway Crush
A nice little article on the genesis of many a Craig's List Missed Connection...the subway crush:

"A subway crush is simply someone you most likely will never talk to or even meet, but will stare at adoringly from afar. It's a crush in the simplest, most intense sense of the word. During the limited span of your ride, you can imagine any future you want with this person. She or he may not even be your type, but you find yourself becoming temporarily infatuated."

This is very strange and deeply disturbing- are people really ending relationships based on the results of using this service?

"Ok, you’re at dinner with your mate, and all of a sudden he or she receives a call. They look at the CallerID and decide not to answer the call. You have no idea who was calling or why they called. You ask them but you think they lie and you have a gut feeling that something just isn’t right. It’s probably been nagging you; Is your mate cheating on you?"

The way this site proposes to entrap a cheater is so dubious as to be completely insane. Plus, of note is the fact that, in addition to the Dial-A-Cheater service, they also offer Dial-An-Alibi...

More Courtney
Does this seem like a bad idea to anyone else?

"Shock star Courtney Love just can't stay out of the press these days. It's courtroom antics, glass coffins, assault, now marriage. No, she isn't getting married, she's partnered with twenty some radio stations to perform one lucky couple's dream wedding ceremony and reception toast"

I know it's always been my dream to have my wedding ceremony performed by a slurring, topless Oxycontin addict...


Friday, March 26, 2004

Attention LA People!
You should all enter this contest- the prize is one year of free In-N-Out Burgers and Coffee Bean Ice Blendeds! That's all you really need to survive.

This summary of the clip show episode of The Apprentice provides a nice breakdown of evidence for the argument that Omorosa (aka Assorama) is a big fat liar. For people who are interested in that kind of thing, see pages 3-4 of the recap.

Cradle-Robbing Booty Caller
I'm sorry, but I think that a 40 year age difference is just too much. Even if it's Mick Jagger we're talking about. He's just a little too old to be pulling the whole text message booty call...I'm surprised he even knows how to use text messaging.

Protest Sex is the New Terror Sex
Great rant on Black Table about skanky/opportunistic Craig's Listers seeking some peace-lovin' booty...

"God forbid it "simply be a rally" when there are hottie lefty chicks loose in this city. And, you know, nothing says "first date" like wandering around in a patchouli haze, exchanging some words and a few laughs as thousands of people scream "No justice, no peace!" Rock. And. Roll."

Mutant Kitty Finds A Home
Yay, they found someone to adopt the 4 eared kitty!

A four-eared German kitten has been given a new home after a German animal shelter was deluged with requests to adopt the animal born six months ago with the genetic defect. "We wanted to make sure the people were looking for a normal cat and not a gag to make an exhibition out of her,"

She's not a monster!

Celebrity Terrorism
Saw the link for this on Gawker, it is hilarious...

" One week after the Courtney Love train wreck that injured one fan, NYPD has mounted an unprecedented security effort in the hopes of thwarting another massive attack by a spiraling-out-of-control celebrity.

Teams of officers have been doing surprise “security sweeps” of all black luxury SUVs before they enter New York City to make sure they aren’t carrying Tara Reid."

SO good...check out more of these anti-terrorism measures at:

It's ok, Enrique
Enrique Iglesias: "I could actually have the smallest penis in the world out there"...


Thursday, March 25, 2004

The Slap Heard Round the World
Ooh...more detail on the Richard Simmons scandal!

You Really Dodged That Landmine, Whitney
Page Six talks about a new book, "De Niro: A Biography" (HarperCollins), by author John Baxter. They seem pretty focused on his dad being a "lifelong homosexual". But I think the real story is in "the Hollywood star's well-known fascination with beautiful black women". Including Whitney Houston:

De Niro deluged Houston with flowers and gifts, including a teddy bear with diamond earrings, but she never succumbed to his advances. "Her parents, with whom she lived, advised her not to get involved with a man, who, besides being white, was almost twice her age," Baxter writes. "Record executive Clive Davis echoed this advice. For a young black singer such a relationship would be 'career suicide.' "

As opposed to her relationship with Bobby...riiiight, nice advice people!

Touchy, Touchy
Ok, if you see Richard Simmons in public, don't make any snide comments. Or even any not-so-snide comments. From CBS news:
The man "made the off-hand comment, 'Hey everybody. It's Richard Simmons. Let's drop our bags and rock to the '50s,"' said Phoenix police Sgt. Tom Osborne. "Mr. Simmons took exception to it and walked over to the other passenger and apparently slapped him in the face."
Tale of Two Cities has some nice commentary on the incident as well.

Palace for Whining
Amy's sister Wendy's site...very cute and a fab "celeb lookalikes" section...
An excerpt:
...When I get off the elevator I see the two little boys hiding out by my door. I hear one of them say "Is that a boy?" "Yeah, that's a boy. Hey, are you a boy? (directed towards me)". I say, "No, I'm not a boy." "Oh, I thought you were a boy." Then he asks if I just got back from exercising. Kids these days, watcha gonna do?

Cute Mutant Kitty
Aww...this 4 eared kitten is the cutest!
"We want to find Lilly the loving home she deserves. She is very kind and not a monster”


Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Is MSN.com Completely Out Of Touch Or What?
This article, "Is Friendster the 'Next Big Thing'?", is ridiculous:

"Don’t be surprised if a year from now your everyday conversation is peppered with references to Friendster..."

A YEAR from now? What the...

"Reality" Check
An interesting analysis of the new gay reality TV shows.

"It might be said that by complicating the binary logic of the heterosexual dating show, gay men have earned themselves a tenuous perch on television, but at what cost? The one thing that gay men still can't be found doing on reality television is the very thing that defines them as "gay" in the first place: loving other men."

Facist Book-Burning Assholes
The ALA's list of the 100 most frequently challenged books of 1990-2000.

"A challenge is an attempt to remove or restrict materials, based upon the objections of a person or group. A banning is the removal of those materials. Challenges do not simply involve a person expressing a point of view; rather, they are an attempt to remove material from the curriculum or library, thereby restricting the access of others."

Very interesting. Why on earth would someone try and restrict access to some of these books? I mean A Light in the Attic by Shel Silverstein? WHAT? And note that there is not one V.C. Andrews book on there and those books were the most offensive sicko freakshow I've ever read. What is that about?

The Decemberists
The shows at Mercury Lounge and Bowery Ballroom may be sold out but the interview can be read by all who are interested in this band...

Girls Gone Wild
This girl writing a book on the fall of feminism followed the Girls Gone Wild crew and posted "Dispatches From Girls Gone Wild" on slate.com
Facinating stuff...love it.

"It's 11 on a Friday night in never sedate but usually upscale South Beach, and the area has been taken over by sunburned spring-breakers in tight, synthetic clothing..."


Tuesday, March 23, 2004

Missed Connection with the Griswolds
I love Craig's list:

You drove me to Phoenix - m4w - 87
Reply to: anon-27144614@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-03-23, 1:02PM EST

Dear Clark and Ellen:
You are by far the worst nephew and niece I have ever met. You were supposed to drive me to Phoenix but I died in the back seat of your metalic pea family truckster somewhere near the grand canyon. This was after you put me in the smelly tent and made me eat sandwiches soaked in piss. Russ and Audrey are little brats too. She's deaf and he's still got a bloody nose from when you drove off the road and his finger hit his brain.
I think you're all fucked in the head. You were 10 hours from the fucking fun park and you wanted to bail out after I died. But it was a quest - a quest for a moose. I hope you're happy Clark.
All this while I'm rotting away on the doorstep of your cousin Norman.
He's always been a jackoff.

Saw this on Tale of Two Cities:

Uggs ruin an otherwise decent film
Intensive investigation (via AIM) turns up critical flaw in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

k: did u guys end up seeing eternal sunshine?
Joey: yeah
k: did u love it?
k: i did!
Joey: yeah, i liked it a lot
Joey: i didn't like that kate winslet was wearing UGGs though
k: i know i hate fucking uggs
k: and a barnes and noble worker cannot afford uggs either

A Star is Born
That guy with Courtney at Wendy's wants to be famous- someone get this kid on The Surreal Life, pronto!
Kofi Asare, 23, tells PAGE SIX he hopes to print the infamous image on T-shirts, and use it to further his dreams of becoming an actor or model. "First there was Justin and Janet, and now there's Kofi and Courtney,"

The Onion Rules
The Onion almost got the Pulitzer Prize for their post-9/11 issue. They should have- it was fucking brilliant. My fave piece "A Shattered Nation Longs to Care About Stupid Bullshit Again"
"Where have you gone, J. Lo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you."

Who's got 1,949 Friendsters?
John Kerry, that's who! And Salon.com reports that the profile is real. Some highlights...
Interested in Meeting People for: Just Here To Help!
Status: Married
Age: 60
Occupation: Presidential Candidate
Location: Washington, DC
Hometown: Denver, Colorado
Interests: Windsurfing, Hunting, Motorcycles, Anything Outside, Writing, offering a REAL DEAL to America, Protecting the Environment, Medicare, Overtime

Yeah, that abstinence stuff really works
Teens who pledge to remain virgins until marriage have the same rates of sexually transmitted diseases as those who don't pledge abstinence


Monday, March 22, 2004

Life as a Loser
I like this Life as a Loser series...
Isn't it amazing relationships happen at all, considering what must go into each of them? You have to find two people who, first off, have to be physically attracted to each other. Then you have to hope they're in the same mindset in regards to the value of relationships. Then you have to have them interact with each other on a day-to-day basis in ways that don't make them want to kill each other...

Eternal Sunshine
I loved this movie! This review is interesting, though I don't necessarily agree with their conclusions.

A Good Blow Job
A funny article us "frizzy-haired Jewish girls" can relate to:

I’m beginning to fall in love with Yigal, and I can’t tell how much of it has to do with his worldview and how much with how hot he’s making me look. My fake straight hair is settling, and I look happier, if dumber, my jaw more angular and defined.

“Do you think I should get Japanese hair-straightening?”

He shakes his head no. “You want both—straight and curly. It’s like having two boyfriends. You want one for the Shabbes and one for the holiday.”

“What’s the difference between straight-haired and curly-haired women?”

“Women with straight hair think the whole world belongs to them.”

“And curly-haired?”

“It is up to them to feel that way.”

I nod, understanding all too well. About a year ago, out of boredom, I started getting my hair blown out twice a week. I got hit on so much more often that I started sleeping around too much, and eventually I had to stop the blowouts to raise the bar.


Friday, March 19, 2004

Elitist NYC Bastards
I want to go! Not fair! Where's MY goddamn party...

America's Next Top Slut
Orgies with hot Italian men? Count me in.

Can't Buy Me Love Don't Cost A Thing.
Couldn't help but steal this caption. An insightful commentary on the recent "urbanization" of 80's movies.
"In Can't Buy Me Love, Patrick Dempsey's character goes from 'Totally Geek to Totally Chic,' while in Love Don't Cost a Thing, Nick Cannon matures from 'Pool Boy to Cool Boy.' The word "booty" comes into play on several occasions, and one character even speculates that 'Urkel has gone gangsta' once she sees the transformation."

For all you diet coke freaks
"All of this begs the question: Is it safe to be addicted to Diet Coke?
We have no idea. All we know is it tastes great with heroin"

An even sadder gorilla story
Courtesy of Heather...poor little guy.

Ok, Courtney is crazy and gross
This shot is from the same night as all her other shenanigans. It takes place at the Wendys in Union Square. And yes, that is a random man sucking her tit. Nasty.

The Black and Blue album is the new Grey album.

Nothing sadder than a humiliated elephant
These pictures are kind of cool but kind of disturbing too. Very "only in new york" though. Poor elephants!


Thursday, March 18, 2004

Crazy, Random "Chris Rock Thing"
I wish I had this kind of luck! A funny story of a cell phone snafu.

Narcoleptic Cab Drivers
I think I've seen this cab driver before! Mimi and I were walking home from Union Square one night and we saw this cab stopped at an intersection. When he didn't move for a while we realized he was passed out cold behind the wheel! We weren't sure what to do- should we wake him up, or what? Then we realized this couple was looking too- they warned us "We just got out of that cab! Don't get in there!". The crazy thing was that the interim between the couple getting out of the cab and him passing out couldn't have been longer than a couple minutes, max. Narcoleptic cab drivers are scary.

Courtney is crazy

Nobody puts Baby in a corner
ok, this is old but I still think it's worth posting- this article really gets to the heart of why Dirty Dancing (the original) is such a compelling cinematic triumph:

"Dirty Dancing's basic proposition is that it's entirely reasonable for a moderately attractive young woman to find love with a smolderingly hot man."

I heart blogging!
This is my first post...and already, in the words of the great JT shilling for Micky D, "I'm Lovin It"...


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