Friday, April 30, 2004

Chicken Rivalry
I love this item from the NY Daily News...

THE BURGER King Subservient Chicken showed up at Plaid the other night when Kwame Jackson of "The Apprentice" happened to be in the house. A source says Jackson's manager flipped out and told paparazzi that there would be "no photos of Kwame with any chickens other than Kentucky Fried! He's negotiating a deal with KFC and this rival chicken could destroy everything!"...

Too funny for words.

Very Punny

Hermit sheep fleeced after six years on the lam

Fuck the FCC
Even if you hate Howard Stern, you have to admit that this is just plain wrong.

From Page Six:

THE moral arbiters at the FCC have officially declared that Oprah Winfrey is free to describe oral and anal sex acts on air....

...Stern was recently slapped with a $27,500 fine for a discussion that was remarkably similar to Oprah's. An FCC aide then admitted to The Post that Oprah can cross the line with impunity because she is "beloved" while Stern can be persecuted at will because he's "a lightening rod."

Someone Send This Man A Gillette Sensor!
Eww...when did Pierce Brosnan decide this moustache was a good idea and why didn't someone stop him? Page Six seems unconcerned, but I think someone needs to speak up!

Michigan Gets Hip!

Michigan's 'Hold' Music Gets Much Hipper
Thu Apr 29, 8:57 AM ET
LANSING, Mich. - Last summer, the state Department of Management and Budget got an unusual request from the governor. Jennifer Granholm called to ask if something could be done about the boring acoustic music that people heard when they called the state and were placed on hold.
"She thought we should have cool music," DMB director Mitch Irwin told The Daily Oakland Press for a story Wednesday. It seems that the "hold" music had been set on piano and guitar instrumental since 1996 during Gov. John Engler's administration. Irwin set up a committee to try to juice up the state's 60,000 phone lines.
First, officials tried to rock the phones, but after a few caller complaints, Led Zeppelin's and Jimi Hendrix (news)'s music got dumped because "it was a little too hot," Irwin said. Then, they tried all-Michigan artists, but abandoned the idea because "it was too limiting." Finally, they settled on 1950s and '60s oldies...

"I've had people say, `Hey, put me back on hold, I wanna hear the end of that song,'" said Jeanette Doll, who works as a secretary at the DMB.

Somehow I find that hard to believe.


Thursday, April 29, 2004

NewYorkish has posted this awful pic of Madonna with no makeup- I guess it's in this week's People too. It's pretty bad. Poor Madge. But it does make ME feel better about MYSELF...check it out...

... Maybe it's the sight of a woman nearing 50 wearing a Von Dutch trucker hat or the fact that she looks like a worn-out, chainsmoking trailer park mom with a serious meth habit (and not a enlightened devotee of Kabbalah), but something said you might enjoy this photo, too.

Rock the Vote. Please.
Please read this. And please vote.

Making women's issues go away
A damning new report reveals that the Bush administration has quietly removed 25 reports from its Women's Bureau Web site, deleting or distorting crucial information on issues from pay equity to reproductive healthcare.

Ashley Judd is a Freak

From popbitch:

Ashley Judd recently took a BA flight. She got into the first class cabin wearing thick gloves and immediately took out a packet of sterilising wipes and proceeded to wipe down the seats and surroundings before sitting down. She would only accept plates and glasses if she could wipe them first and insisted on only drinking from her own bottle of champagne.

(FYI: Ashley started to become obsessed with hygiene when she caught a bad virus while filming in Africa.)

FYI: I still think she's a freak. Get over it, already!

Heather, watch out- this could happen to you!


Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Oh what a tangled web we weave...
Another all too realistic Onion article...

Web Of Lies Surrounds Late Birthday Card
MISSOULA, MT—Only a thin tissue of lies screens area resident Jessica Jurgensen from the unpleasant reality that her friend Gina Tobler forgot her 34th birthday, which occurred four days ago.

"How did you like the card?" Tobler said in a carefully plotted phone call to Jurgensen Tuesday. "What?! I put it in the mail last week! I can't believe you didn't get it yet!"

The card, which currently sits inside a bowl of keys on Tobler's kitchen counter, is ready to be mailed, awaiting only the purchase of a stamp.


Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Absolutely Disgusting
Ok, enough with the levity...this is so infuriating. How can the religious right sleep at night? THEY are the ones going straight to hell.

Michigan Preparing To Let Doctors Refuse To Treat Gays
(Lansing, Michigan) Doctors or other health care providers could not be disciplined or sued if they refuse to treat gay patients under legislation passed Wednesday by the Michigan House. The bill allows health care workers to refuse service to anyone on moral, ethical or religious grounds.

Commentary on this from pushfluids.com:

first, in a state like michigan, where there is a bible belt that is quite rural, there is a great possibility that gay people would have to travel long distances to find a physician willing to treat them. in addition, there is a greater risk to homosexuals who are in emergency situations. it is quite possible that this law could allow ER docs, and EMTs to refuse to treat someone who is homosexual in an emergency situation.

this is not an unheard of phenomenon. a woman named tyra hunter died in washington dc after a car accident. as she lay on the street, an EMT stopped treating her when he found that she had male genitals. robert eads was a female to male transsexual who died of ovarian cancer in georgia because he could not find an ob/gyn willing to take care of a transgender patient (there was an excellent HBO documentary about him). there are countless others (brandon teena, matthew shepard, etc.) who have died because people refused to help or protect them and allowed hatred and prejudice rule their lives.

I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!
Oh the joy. This just made my day. A recap of Saved by the Bell's second season episode, Jessie's Song, wherein Jessie Spano battles a serious No-Doz addiction. So Good. I am speechless.

In particularly frightening scene, Jessie sits in an empty hallway, sneaks a look around her and pops a pill. 'No Jessie!' you will cry, as you begin to see her descent into madness. Later, Slater confronts Zack about Jessie's drug use, which he refuses to believe for some reason. "She's my friend!" Zack loudly screams to the be-mulleted Mario Lopez. Zack must have alcoholic parents, because he's an enabler in the very worst way.

Finally the day of reckoning comes. It's the big audition day, but it's also the day of that major test that Jessie has been up studying for a week. In the classroom, Jessie twitches and speaks much too loudly as she proudly finishes her test with what appears to be 100 percent correctness. Well by-gummit, the little druggy has really done it! Now all she has to do is finish the audition and her plan for Bayside domination is complete.

Alas, that is not to be. Our next scene opens on Jessie asleep on the bed. Zack enters the room eager to wake her. The audition is about to start. Jessie groggily wakes up and begins to spout useless math terms like a drunken Einstein. Zack tells her that she's confused and she already had the test. She needs to get ready but Zack tells her that there's no time.

See what happens when you do drugs?
And then begins what is possibly the best loved acting exchanges in all of Saved by the Bell-um.

Jessie: "No time! No time! There's never enough time!"
Zack: "C'mon Jessie! You have to sing!"
Jessie: "Sing? Sing? I'm so excited! I'm so excited! I'm so...scared!"

Guilty Pleasures
So the Tribeca Film Festival is doing this fun little thing where we get to vote for our fave guilty pleasure movie and the winning film will be screened on Friday, May 7, at 8:30 p.m. at the Tribeca Drive-In at Hudson River Park's Pier 25. Sounds like a great idea to me. I love movies on the pier and I REALLY love Guilty Pleasures. The only thing that bugs me about this is that some of these movies really carry no guilt whatsoever. I mean, when was the last time some one was all sheepish about renting The Usual Suspects? Or all "I know I'm terribly unhip and this is so embarrassing to admit but Donnie Darko is my favorite movie"? PLEASE. These people clearly don't know from guilty pleasures. Talk to me when your guilty pleasure is The Cutting Edge or Teen Witch. Now there is some Guilt. Incidentally, I voted for Heathers and I think you should too. Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?

Tips for Slackers
Ooh, this little gem is just what the Daily Roundup is all about! LOVE it!!!

How To Work Less and Gain More Respect
So you work some mindless job that has you at a desk for a good 8 hours a day. Life sucks. One of your friends works from home and doesn't stop talking about how he gets up late, goes to work in his boxers, and loves his job. Meanwhile, if you could somehow blow up your office building and get away with it, finding an adequate bomb would move to number one on your things to do list.

Those Wacky Celebs!
A fun little game I found via Gawker- Match the Star to the Religious Cult! Who knew Steven Seagal was involved with Tibetan Buddism?!?! And the Kabbalah madness has GOT to stop. People, trust me, it is SO OVER already- my MOM goes to the Kabbalah Center- that's how over it is.

Put the Whitestrips down
This article about over-whitened teeth is so dead on. Sometimes when I look at Jessica Simpson I feel like I'm going to go blind! And not just from the blinding stupidity either...

No doubt you've encountered such a creature: someone whose teeth have gone through the modern-day whitening ringer to the point where they come out funny-looking, whiter than white. Maybe adhesive night strips were involved. Or some sort of paint-on gel. A regimen of specialized toothpastes. Trips to a "cosmetic dentist" or, as they now have in SoHo, a "whitening spa." Perhaps it was a misguided, overzealous combination of all of the above. Whatever the specific concoction may be, the result is always the same: teeth that have passed through the barrier of "human" and into some mannequin-like terrain -- teeth as natural-looking as, yes, a pubic region that appears plucked from a Mr. Potato Head kit.


Monday, April 26, 2004

The Information Superhighway
I disagree with the overall message of this review of the Internet, since I am the Internet's #1 Fan (Hey,Internet- if you are reading this - I luv u 4-Eva!). But I do like the review itself...especially this part:

Things are beginning to linger too long. Maybe they will linger forever now. How long will this post exist? Will it still be here ten years from now? A hundred? This is not natural. There are emails that I sent when I was fifteen still out there somewhere and probably all it takes to call them up is the most cursory google. I don’t like the thought of my fifteen year-old self, trapped and floating in a disorienting field of 0s and 1s. I bet he is cold and lonely. I’m sure he is tired of being fifteen. It's too late though; he is there for good. Because the internet is fucking with time. It is fucking with memory. And loss. There is one art it has not mastered.

Tyson: Cuter and smarter than most humans
This skateboarding bulldog is unbelievable! And cute as a button! And he takes care of newborn kittens! AND he's sponsored!

You absolutely MUST check out the video footage...

From the FAQ:

How/when did Tyson learn to ride a skateboard?

Tyson has been around skateboards his entire life. As a puppy, he watched his human friends and family ride their boards, and enjoyed being pushed on a skateboard on the carpet. When he was out on walks, he would go nuts anytime a skateboarder would pass by him. We originally misinterpreted this excitement for fear/hatred, as he would jump and lunge at people on their boards (now, of course, we know that he was simply trying to catch a ride himself). After about six months of this behavior, when he was about a year old, we let him play with a skateboard in the backyard -- and, before we knew it, he was riding it. Not long after, we bought him his own board, and he's been pursuing his hobby ever since (and, yes, it truly is his hobby -- no coaxing from his humans is required!). It would not be an exaggeration to say that Tyson truly "lives to skate."

Blame it on Rio
So they are honoring Michael Caine tonight at the Film Society with "highlights from Mr. Caine's extensive body of work and in-person accolades from the artists who have worked with and known him throughout his career".
All I know is, someone'd better mention "Blame it on Rio", the most disgusting movie ever! From the rottentomatoes review:

I vomited two separate times while watching this movie. I suppose you could chalk that up to my having a fever of 102.4, but I’d rather believe that it was this vile, unfunny and overall awful pile of dreck that caused me to regurgitate repeatedly. It’s really that bad. I doubt that there was ever an era in which pedophilia and subtle incest jokes were considered the pinnacle of popular humour, but if there were, I suppose it would have been the early 1980s. Back in those days, just mentioning the words “knockers,” “wang” or “divorce” was a sure ticket to hilarity.

Keep Your Rosaries Off My Ovaries
I went to DC for the March for Women's Lives yesterday and it was really, really amazing- more so than the news would lead you to believe. Here's a couple of good articles from the Washington Post and NY Times...I will post my pictures on Ofoto soon and try and link them here too.


Friday, April 23, 2004

Listen up LA People

From sosaysi:
...big news: The Pixies are playing a small show the night before Coachella, April 30th at the Glass House in Pomona. The show is billed as: Coachella Pre Party Featuring Moving Units with Special Guests 7:00 PM $30.00 Tickets Onsale Thursday, Apr 22 10:00 AM Two Ticket Limit.

John T. Molloy Must Die
Thanks to Gothamist for pointing me to this article in the Daily News where they test-run several dating self-help books (incidently, the Salon article with the same premise was much funnier).

But anyway, the point of posting this is to highlight what a supreme dick this John T. Molloy is...

I'm 27 and single, with no real marriage prospects on the horizon. I was okay with that until I read "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others" (Warner Books) by John T. Molloy. By the time I finished the first chapter, panic had set in.
According to Molloy, it's never too early to start looking for Mr. Right because "Time is the enemy of women who aren't married by age 28." If you reach that age and you're still single, you need to treat the search "like a job

Bleccch. Thanks, Molloy! That's reeeaaalll helpful! Well, if I'm going to treat "the search" like a job, I guess that means I'll be avoiding any actual work, IM'ing with Leah, and posting on this sad little blog...not sure how I will meet Mr. Right this way but I will soldier on because...time is my enemy!

"The wet look is in, asshole!"
From Page Six...

April 23, 2004 -- "I'LL tell you how I know I've been around a long time. Gwyneth Paltrow can recite every line of 'St. Elmo's Fire.' I'm not kidding. She's seen it like 100 times. She likes to mortify me with obscure 'St. Elmo's' dialogue" - Rob Lowe in Details magazine

I'm not exactly sure how the fact that Gwynnie can quote St. Elmo's (who can't?) means that Rob Lowe has been around a long time...but I DO know that "It ain't a party until something's broken"

Only in New York
This is the funniest news item I've seen in a long time! The best part was watching the morning newscasters try and explain it...

"Two lovers, naked as jaybirds and apparently as crazy as looneybirds, climbed a tree in Central Park yesterday - and put on a bizarre four-hour show that drew cops and hundreds of gawkers.
In a shocking new twist on the birds and the bees, a 17-year-old boy and a 32-year-old preoperative transsexual offered an X-rated sex spectacle..."

Apparantly they were protesting the fact that the 17-year-old's parents don't approve of the relationship. To that I say, who wouldn't want their underage son fucking a 32-year-old preoperative transsexual in a tree?

But I think this is the best part by far:

"At one point, the older of the couple broke off a branch and threatened to throw it at cops, before demanding a vanilla diet Pepsi.

When police handed up a regular old diet Pepsi, the 32-year-old hurled the can to the ground, screamed, "Vanilla!" and declared, "What I say goes!" "

Fabulous! Maybe he can be Vanilla Pepsi's new spokesperson! Move over, Britney...


Thursday, April 22, 2004

Oh, Please!

Lighten up, you stuffy Brits! What you really need is a promotional campaign featuring a subservient chicken! That's the ticket!

A British theme park has been criticized by businesses for launching a promotional “ihatework.co.uk” Web site which they say will encourage people to skip work...

Mike Seaver Is Pretty Creepy Now
Man, Gawker dug up some good shit today! This Jesus website Kirk Cameron's involved in is some scary, scary stuff. First of all, it's called "The Way of the Master". Ick. And right when you enter you have to answer "Are you a Christian?"... yes or no. And when you put your mouse over the "No", a scary lightning sound goes off! And then you get taken to the "Are you a good person quiz?", narrated by good ole KC, of course...and please check out Kirk's Column, filled with inspirational gems like this charming anecdote:

Attempting to follow in the footsteps of my evangelistic heroes, I ventured out of my comfort zone the other day while I was on a lunch break from the set of the Growing Pains Movie when I saw about thirty five teenagers gathered together at a park, breaking bottles and shouting obscenities at one another. The police had just finished reprimanding them. I had about fifteen minutes, so I approached a group of seven, and noticing that they were all wearing the same blue pants and white shirt combination, I asked them if they had called each other that morning to agree on what to wear. They didn't think my corny joke was funny and continued to stare me down...

Kevin Spacey...Most Definitely NOT a Gay Park Cruiser
There has been a lot of speculation about the Kevin Spacey Incident...like WHY was he in the park at 4 AM talking to some "youth" anyway? The Absurdist has some ideas...(thanks, Gawker!)

Being Kevin Spacey
Inspired by Kevin Spacey's recent dog walking, mugging, recinding mugging incident, I decided that I should walk my dog in Geraldine Mary Harmsworth Park in South London at 4:30 in the morning. My hope is to gain deeper insight in the acclaimed thespian's headspace. Being a rising star of stage and screen myself, I hold Mr. Spacey's acting chops in the highest regard. If all us dedicated to the craft of acting and media insistent heterosexuality could emulate Mr. Spacey's daily routine, perhaps than we all could be as talented as he. Arming myself with a mini tape recorder and miniature toy poodle, Fefe, I set out the South London park to become the actor...

If you haven't seen Google today, check it out- the google logo is looking especially cute for earth day!

If the car's a' rockin'...
Silly Rhino!

Sharka, a two-ton white rhino, got amorous with Dave Alsop's car when he stopped with three friends to take pictures of the animal mating with his partner Trixie at the West Midland Safari Park. The 12-year-old rhino tried to mount the Renault Laguna from the side, denting the doors and ripping off the wing mirrors before Dave drove away with a puffing Sharka in pursuit.

"He was a big boy and obviously aroused," Alsop told the Sun newspaper on Thursday. "He sidled up against us. The next thing I know he's banging away at the car and it's rocking like hell."

A spokeswoman for the park, which says "rhinos are not particularly intelligent animals" on its Web site, said Sharka was a hit with the female rhinos and had fathered two calves in the last five years. "He's got a bit of a reputation this lad and he was obviously at it again," she added


Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Standing Tall...On the Wings Of My Dreams
Great "celebrity" sighting item in Gawker Stalker...

"Oh man, oh man, I've lived a dream. So I'm getting a haircut on W. 76th and Amsterdam and this guy sits down and starts chatting up his hairdresser. He started explaining how he's "in a show. A BROADWAY show," and how he needs highlights and it's too long for a 19th century piece and yeah. For some reason the woman at the counter came over and needed his last name, so tells her "Pinchot. P-I-N-C-H-O-T." I had my glasses off and couldn't see him clearly enough to tell if it was in fact Balki himself, but the deal was sealed when he asks the hairdresser his name (Avi) and then introduces himself as "Bronson." He walked away from the barber's chair for a second so I mumble-shouted to the woman cutting my hair "OH MY GOD THAT'S BRONSON PINCHOT" as if Jesus had just walked for a beard trim and the messy look. She says "Who?" to which I respond "FROM PERFECT STRANGERS! BALKI BARTOKAMUS!" which was apparently of little help. Ever the professional, Avi too seemed completely unphased as a permanent fixture on the TV screens of my childhood blabbered on about how he "wishes his hair grew faster because [he] loves to get it cut; it's so therapeutic."

Not wanting to squander my one chance to meet this comedic legend in the flesh, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked "Excuse me, are you Bronson Pinchot?" and he was like "Yes..?" and I was like "I love your work...I grew up with you in my household." In retrospect, I wish I'd said something along the lines of "I love your work...you were the best gay automatic weapons salesman ever in Beverly Hills Cop 3," but he seemed to appreciate the recognition nontheless. And damn those highlights look fabulous."

"Pretty Woman", It Ain't
If you want to read a crass, depressing, but humorously realistic breakdown of the ins-and-outs of the sex industry (pun intended!), check out the THE VICE GUIDE TO BEING A WHORE IN 2004...good stuff...

"Ok, let's cut the shit here. Working in the "sex industry" fucking blows. Suicide Girls get to have hairy armpits, and it's fun to put your picture up on onlyundiesclub.com, but that's playacting. Real sex work is about showing up at a millionaire crackhead's house with a big box of Wet Ones, letting him bang the shit out of you for three days (even though he pulled a gun on you for sitting on the left-hand side of his bed), and then leaving with $1,900. No matter what the empowered academics in San Francisco pretend to believe, whoring—in any form—is hell, and the only reason women do it is to get money for coke NOW! If you want to try it out, be prepared to have nothing to show for years of suffering but a blown-out septum and some lumpy fake tits. It's like extreme waitressing. You make hundreds of dollars a night licking ass and then you immediately spend it on drugs just to feel normal again."

Britney Brouhaha

So Britney Spears' new video for "Everytime" is still causing controversy...but now it's because no one can figure out what the fuck is going on in it. Even MTV is confused and they're taking a poll to figure it out. Here is a link to the video so you can weigh in on this important issue:

Does Britney suffer a head wound? If so, why isn't she bleeding before entering the tub? Is the fatal wound to the back of her head somehow caused by a camera grazing the side of her head early in the video? If she suffered a life-threatening blow to the head, why doesn't she appear to be in pain? How does she die from losing so little blood? Is seemingly abusive beau Stephen Dorff somehow involved?

We know this much: Britney says the video is about reincarnation, so her character passes away somehow ... or not, as she is seen emerging from the tub with a wide grin at the end of the video. But how exactly does Britney meet her end (or her near-death experience)?

- A camera strikes Britney as she emerges from her limo, causing the slow blood loss that eventually brings her demise.

- A shard from the vase that Britney's beau shatters against the wall hits the back of her head, causing the slow blood loss that eventually brings her demise.

- Britney strikes her head against the side of the tub as she slides in, causing the slow blood loss that eventually brings her demise.

- Britney isn't bleeding from her head at all, but rather begins bleeding from her hands (perhaps a result of stigmata) and perishes.

- Britney faints at the sight of her own blood, sinks into the tub, and drowns.

- Britney dies of embarrassment over the antics of her overly aggressive control-freak boyfriend.

- That dude from the "Toxic" video finally exacted his revenge.

Oh, no, she didn't!

Ok, done with the serious stuff and back to the trashy. There's a great dose of Apprentice gossip in today's Page Six...

April 21, 2004 -- Oh, no, she didn't! Devilish diva Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth of "The Apprentice" is up to her old tricks. Lady O gave an unlucky American Airlines agent the royal treatment when her coach ticket wasn't upgraded to first class on Sunday. Our witness reports, "It was the 8:15 flight from Las Vegas to Los Angeles, and there Omarosa was screaming at this poor woman, 'Don't you know who I am? I was on "The Apprentice!" ' The outburst failed to persuade the ticket agent, and the reviled reality-show castoff "had to slink back to coach where she fumed the whole flight," our spy said.

Sources say Omarosa's unpopularity has cost her the Herbal Essences shampoo campaign, which she's been bragging about for weeks. "Herbal Essences was bombarded with phone calls and e-mails from angry customers, saying they wouldn't use the product if Omarosa was in the commercial," an insider told us.

Mad as Hell
This article is a good synopsis of the current threats to reproductive freedom and I think it's really important to read (even if you have to watch the commercial and get the Salon premium day pass to do it)- you can not imagine some of these tactics and laws the anti-choice freaks are trying to pass...it makes me so angry...

Some excerpts:

"Just last month, South Dakota came within one vote of enacting a sweeping anti-abortion law that would have outlawed the procedure entirely at any stage of pregnancy with the only exception being that of saving the woman's life....Not only would it have banned the procedure, but it would have imposed a prison sentence of up to 15 years"

"A bill in the Georgia Legislature would "provide that any person seeking to have an abortion ... shall first file a petition in the Superior Court." The bill also stipulates that the woman must have a jury trial, and that the court shall balance the rights of the fetus against the rights of the person seeking to have an abortion, and finally that 'no abortion shall take place unless ordered by the court.' "

"In one of the more macabre state-level anti-abortion tactics, a bill was introduced to the Oklahoma Legislature that would require a woman considering an abortion to obtain a death warrant. 'That bill would prohibit a physician from performing an 'execution' without obtaining a death warrant,' "

"Iowa is another state that is considering a bill that would require a woman to obtain permission from a judge before getting an abortion. Under this measure, the judge would appoint a guardian for the embryo or fetus and then conduct a mini-trial to determine if she should be forced to go forward with the pregnancy. There is no exception in this legislation for the health or even life of the woman."

"According to the Planned Parenthood Federation of America, just this year 12 states have introduced bills that would eliminate all family planning funding to organizations that even discuss the option of abortion or refer women to clinics that perform abortions. Last year, six states succeeded in defunding family planning: Colorado, Michigan, Nebraska, Ohio, Pennsylvania and Texas."


Tuesday, April 20, 2004

I hate that paperclip
2 great reviews from Black Table's Black List:

HAVING A PAPERCLIP POINT OUT YOUR MISSPELLINGS: I really like the little Mac with stumpy legs, and the tiny Einstein is undeniably cute. I also have a thing for the kitten and the puppy … but what the fuck is up with the MS Word paperclip? I realize that I can't spell "knowledge" or "euphemism" or "occurrence" without getting the red squiggly line telling me that I'm a moron, but the last thing I need is to have a paperclip point out my grammatical misgivings. Einstein is one thing. (He did come up with a unified theory of the universe, after all. What have I done lately?) So if Einstein wants to help me out on a comma splice or two, that's cool beans. We'll figure out the green squiggly line and make it go away. We'll change "which" to "that." But I just can't take advice from a paperclip. Even if it is anthropomorphic. C

Adam, this one's for you...

INTENDING THE PUN: It happens all of the time. Maybe it's your boss, maybe a smiling politician, maybe a friend sitting across the bar. No matter who it is, after a happenstance placement of clever words, they exclaim, "No pun intended!" Why, may I ask, would you do such a thing?. Why rob yourself the distinction of such fine wit? Has the art of thoughtful conversation vanished, only to be replaced by techno music and 24-hour copy centers? There's nothing better than thinking on your feet and delivering a timely, sharp remark that challenges the tenets of the spoken word! Whether met with glee or furrowed brow, you can't beat intending the pun. Enough with your lame excuses, stand up and claim such drollery! (pun fucking intended) A -

Gay or...?

So the Details magazine feature "Gay or Asian"? has caused quite an uproar- protests and everything...

While I definitely agree that it IS offensive, I didn't realize that it is part of a whole series of "Gay or ...?"articles, the latest being "Gay or Socialite's Husband?"

There is a whole list of them at this site- I just wish they had better pictures- some of them look really funny...I particularly like "Gay or Magician?"...

Aug. 2003, Gay or Guido
Oct. 2003, Gay or British
Nov. 2003, Gay or Preppy
Dec. 2003, Gay or Magician
Jan & Feb. 2004, Gay or Democratic Front Runner
Mar. 2004, Gay or Jesus
Apr. 2004, Gay or Asian

I am surprised that the Guido community is not up in arms...


Monday, April 19, 2004

Too Funny!
This is the funniest thing ever- check out how someone ended up at this blog! Chunky-calves porn! I love it!

When Cuddling is Creepy
Time Out had an article about these "cuddle parties" a while back and Gawker mentioned them today (with an appropriately disgusted tone). I decided to check out the website and it is just so icky and new agey. I will try and give you the highlights but I encourage you to look for yourself, as there is a veritable goldmine of fucked up shit there.

#1) The creator's name is REiD Mihalko. No, I didn't fuck up my caps lock. That is how he spells it. Does he think he's Sarah Jessica in LA Story, or what?

#2)"The intention of the Cuddle Parties is to create safe spaces for men and women to touch/be touched and love one another in a healthy and nutritious way." Nutritious?? I think I'm going to be sick.

#3) "In today's world, many of us aren't getting our Recommended Daily Allowance of Welcomed Touch. Cuddle Parties seek to change that and change it in a way that's conscious, healthy and nutritious. Many of us grew up taught that a pull-out couch full of puppy-piled kids all camped-out in front of the TV was okay, but somewhere between ages 11 and 31 things changed. Now it's only okay for kids to do that. Yeah, kids and those peaking on Ecstasy.

#3) "REiD recently launched a romance workshop for men entitled Malekind 2.0 that was created out of self-expression and leadership program work with Landmark Education where REiD also leads Introductions to the Landmark Forum." Ahhh...now it all becomes clear. I thought this new age rhetoric sounded all too familiar. Those Landmark people are freaks.

#4) The "Cuddle Party Recipe/Rules" section is particularly priceless. "5. The Erection Phenomenon: If something "comes up" during the party, it's okay. We may be adults, but boys will be boys, so let's just declare that getting an erection is just getting an erection and not something weird or nasty. The cultural stigma surrounding sex, touch, and adults in intimate groups is bound to have all kinds of things rising to the surface, emotional as well as physical, during a Cuddle Party, so let's just recognize erections for what they are: naturally occurring phenomenon. Should they occur, let's make them mean nothing more than Mother Nature's whimsical way of giving us the thumbs-up!" Gross.

Paralyzed Paula
I don't get this bit from Page Six...

"AMERICAN Idol" star Simon Cowell does not find top celebs Madonna, Pink, Courtney Love or Beyoncé Knowles the least bit sexy. So, then, who does it for the snarky Brit? His fellow judge Paula Abdul. "Normally you can tell what somebody will be like sexually by her facial expressions, you know?" Cowell told Elle magazine. "Paula's actually got a very naughty face. I think she is quite sexy."

A "naughty" face? I guess...if by "naughty", he means "masklike, motionless, and Botoxed into submission"...is that what he wants in bed? Well maybe the submission part...

Paris Hilton: ADD, Illiterate, or Cracked Out?

Paris Hilton Proof-Hears Her Memoirs
It seems production on the Paris Hilton book is well under way. Reportedly, Paris suffers from ADD so advanced she can't deal with reading through the book in progress, so she's having someone read it to her over the phone. (We call it "being cracked out.")

Gay Republicans are totally gay
Universal Review tirade on gay republicans:

"i'm not trying to be the thought police, but what is with gay republicans and why do they think it's okay to talk to me? sorry but unless you are alex p keaton with your little white briefs around your ankles, i am not going to indulge you in your PEGGY NOONAN obsession."


Friday, April 16, 2004

Spring Fever Dulls the Mind
Hilarious article on Black Table:

It's a well-documented fact that as the weather gets warmer, people get dumber and dumber. Now, don't get me wrong. I like warm weather just as much as the next person. And I fucking LOVE dumb people. But it never ceases to amaze me how, year after year, as the thermometer climbs a few degrees, upper-boobies start hanging out left and right all over the place, and the whole damn city turns into a walking mob of Dawn of the Dead retardos. It messes with my mind, man.

Intolerable Cruelty
This seems a bit harsh...from Page Six:

REBECCA Romijn-Stamos was nearly brought to tears Wednesday night by a pack of unruly photographers, led by notoriously nasty freelance snapper Steve Sands.... "They were cornered and the photographers barricaded her against the wall. There were lights and flashes going off and then Steve Sands started screaming." Sands was caught on videotape howling: "You [bleeping bleep], how dare you come to New York and act like this, you [bleep]! No wonder your husband left you!"

Psycho Freak

"A heartless Brooklyn bike messenger has been busted on charges of horribly torturing and beating his girlfriend's pet tabby cat to death....The cat had been repeatedly beaten about the face, and had bloody eyes, a broken jaw and a broken tail, officials said."


Omorosa's Not The Only Faker

check this out:
"Several people have pointed out that the Apprentice has quite a bit of "fiction" in it's brew of Reality TV.Tonight, after Bill was chosen, Trump ordered him to run downstairs and drive his new car away. Interestingly, when the camera followed him out there, the street was wet and the car was wet. I live three blocks away from Rockefeller Center and was outside 1/2 hour before the "live" show. It hasn't rained since yesterday. I looked out the window and it was dry as a bone.
So, what's up? Did they secretly film this yesterday?"

Our Apprentice-watching group noticed this too..Sneaky Trump!- you can't slip anything past us! We are sharp as tacks!

The Kids These Days

Kill mom but don't hurt TV, teen tells hitman

Now there's a lad with his priorities in the right place!


Thursday, April 15, 2004

Crack-Ho Claudia
Wheee!...This is fun! Build your own Garbage Pail Kid!...Mine is Crack-Ho Claudia...

Nightmare on Ave B
LockhartSteele reports on this terrifying development:

"...plans are afoot to build a towering 23-story dormitory on Avenue B adjacent to Thompkins Square Park. Good news: it's going to be a dormitory!"

Eeeek...bad architecture AND more annoying NYU undergrads running amok...this is very, very bad.

Williamsburg Dorks
TOTC did an amusing play-by-play of the happenings at Brooklyn Academy of Music's "What about Bill Murray?" series -- I love this bit:

10:02: Murray is talking about doing a movie and he casually says, "We were shooting over in Williamsburg," and I shit you not, like five dudes started clapping loudly. Are you fucking kidding me? You're applauding because you want to acknowledge the fact that you live in Williamsburg? Yo assholes, not only is that fucking lame, but we're also still in Brooklyn. That's like going to Boston and asking "So, who here came in from Cambridge?"

More Hot Breaking Beckham News
OK, I know this is kind of mean and kind of gross but for some reason I find it quite amusing....
From popbitch:

"I can't comment on Sarah Marbeck's relationship with David Beckham, however I can tell you that she does possess the largest pair of labia I have ever seen. My boyfriend and I had a threesome with her after a sporting event in Melbourne last year. Her labia extend about an inch-and-a-half and splay out like a very, very large butterfly. But she was a nice girl, in that arrogant, ignorant way that only models can be."

How can Posh compete with that?


Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Free Howard!
A nice article by Dan Savage about the persecution of Howard Stern.

George W. Bush's version of "the feds" are after Stern for what he symbolizes -- the '90s' sexual openness, frank and humorous discussion of desire -- and Stern is not the only one they're persecuting. The through-the-looking-glass treatment of Janet Jackson after the Super Bowl, the Justice Department's ongoing investigation of mainstream porn producers, the prosecution of a woman in Texas for selling sex toys -- these are all dots that someone needs to connect to the treatment of Stern. And the right's culture warriors are not just moving against sex: Tommy Chong is in jail for selling a few bongs while Rush Limbaugh, abuser of maids and illegal drugs, is walking around a free man.

Law & Order: Detox
A funny story in the Village Voice by a woman who gave up L&O for Lent...

Week Two: Withdrawal is acute. I long to punctuate my evening hours with periodic chung-chungs and smooth sax riffs. Anticipating spiritual weakness, I had decided that the terms of my fast included all shows with Law & Order in the title, even Criminal Intent, which I don't like anyway. But that doesn't mean I can't watch other urban crime dramas. I try to make myself a fan of CSI or The Shield, but who can be bothered to learn the characters' backstories? (Law & Order eschews such distractions). In my lowest moment I find myself lingering over Court TV. I have a hard time believing that God is glorified by this sacrifice.


Tuesday, April 13, 2004

Just Plain Tacky
From Page Six:

BRITNEY Spears, in an effort to be "edgy," has decided to keep a controversial suicide scene in her next video, "Everytime," shot by fashion photographer David LaChapelle. The video is a recap of her relationship with Justin Timberlake, as played by Stephen Dorff, who is shown ripping the covers off magazines with Spears' face on them. A close-up then shows her dead and bloody in a tub. Spears had considered cutting the scene. "The sad thing is, her label Jive is bragging about it because they think it is so edgy," sniffed an insider.

I'm sorry, but that is just plain tacky. I hate to be all preachy and social worky, but there is no need to glamorize suicide in a video like that.

Cream Cheese is a Dick
From Black List Reviews. LOVE it.

"Cream cheese is a fraud. It's a cheese, right? It says so right in the name: cream cheese. But for some reason, cream cheese doesn't run with the other cheeses. Cream cheese thinks it's too fucking cool to hang out with the old cheese crew, like Cheddar and Swiss. It's like cream cheese was a big dork in high school and then graduated and was going off to college where nobody knew cream cheese, and cream cheese could remake itself to be whoever it wanted to be. And cream cheese did it. It totally showed up one day and started hanging out with the "cool" dairy products like Whipped Cream and Butter. Cream cheese is not being true to itself. And you know when the supermarket closes at night, cream cheese is talking to its new buddy, Snack-Size Chocolate Pudding, saying "Yeah, I'm supposed to go visit my old friends," and it shows up at the deli case, and all the other cheeses are like, "Hey, Cream, what's up? We hardly recognize you." And cream cheese is all, "Look, I gotta go, but great to see you guys, really." Cream cheese is a dick. C-"

New Fave Site
I am loving this site The Universal Review, which lists as it's mission "to digest every aspect of the Universe into easy-to-use evaluations, in the interest of creating a comprehensive guide to all products, ever". Here are some great excerpts from reviews of Being a Slut and Real World San Diego. You're loving it already, aren't you?...

"...being a bad girl is all about being a weird looking slut with a low-level Ritalin problem. Now Rayanne Graf of My So-Called Life-- there was a little hooker I could get behind. She wore things like crop tops, Dazzy Dukes, and backwards baseball-caps, all topped off with kooky Cleopatra eyeliner. She was always sleeping with scuzzy older men and Angela’s boyfriend and that one time when she did OD didn’t she also try to sleep with her mom’s boyfriend or something and then Patty Chase came to the rescue? Something of that nature. Here is a girl who knows what being a slut is all about."

"Despite the best efforts of Frankie and her ilk to elevate the realness to a new level, these people fail to achieve even half the authenticity of their forbears. You have to be pretty fucking processed to be less real than TAMMY of Real World: Los Angeles—the one who got her jaw wired shut to lose weight and rapped "I’m a slave I’m a slave to your lovin’/I can’t get enough of your kissing and your huggin!"


Monday, April 12, 2004

East Harlem is Hot Hot Hot!
I have been spouting this sage wisdom about the property value effects of the long-awaited 2nd Ave subway line for what seems like forever now...those who have money to invest in real estate would be wise to listen up...

Nice Try
You can't blame a guy for trying...

LONG SHOT: I asked if you had any coke...(m4w)
Reply to: anon-28595256@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-04-12, 12:48PM EDT

and when you said you didn't, I asked if I could fuck you.

So? Want to get coffee sometime?

Subservient Chicken
Thanks to TOTC for pointing me to this very, very strange, possibly brilliant, definitely compelling marketing ploy by Burger King. In attempt to promote their "have it your way" campaign as it pertains to chicken, they have apparently forced some poor schmuck to wear a bulky chicken costume and stand in the middle of someone's living room in front of a web cam, ready to conform to the idle whim of the general public. You go to this website and you can type in any command and this chicken will perform it. I am not kidding. I type in jump and he jumps. I type in bow and bows. He is a subservient chicken. I don't know what else to say but you should check it out.

More Text Sex for Becks
I never thought I would say this but...poor Posh!...
Second Woman Said to Claim Beckham Affair


Sunday, April 11, 2004

The Kids These Days...
Eyeball piercing?!?!?! This is NOT ok. What will they think of next- studs decorating your liver? A jewel-encrusted small intestine?


Saturday, April 10, 2004

Sudden Revulsion Syndrome
I don't necessarily endorse all the opinions or advice espoused in this article, but this part just rang too true. I have this theory that women look better in summer-wear, whereas men look better in winter attire. Though I have been known to be thrown by a "Cosby Sweater", so maybe my theory needs adjusting...

A woman who doesn't consider herself shallow may even find herself in the throes of SRS (Sudden Revulsion Syndrome) as the seasons change. Long, white stretches or short, chunky calves; visible follicles, wiry hairs sprouting hither and thither -- worse, hairless! -- ending (it looks like prematurely, shorts being, well, foreshortening) in some kind of prototypically disappointing footwear: Sneakers-with-socks, plastic mules, the horrifying deal-breaker that is Birkenstocks®.


Friday, April 09, 2004

Text Sex
The Sun has a great breakdown of the pros and cons of text message sex vs the real thing...some highlights:

For him:
A phone bill is a lot less expensive than a baby.
You don’t have to stay awake and talk for ages afterwards.
You can do it in the pub and, however drunk you are, can still perform.
Size doesn’t matter – in fact, the smaller the phone, the cooler.
It’s a lot quicker to turn on a phone.

For her:
A mobile phone can’t get you pregnant.
You needn’t suffer a Brazilian wax before having text sex.
He’s guaranteed to have your phone number in his memory after a session of text sex.
There’s more chance he’ll push the right buttons.
Three magic words: Vibrating message alert.
Cellulite isn’t an issue.

The Ugly Duckling behind The Swan
I personally found The Swan to be amusing in all it's revolting, disturbing glory...but I still appreciate this Salon bashing of it...an excerpt:

Who wants to be holier than thou about television? Who cares, right? Well, "The Swan" has the distinction of being so upsetting, such a reflection of all that's rotten in this town (not in the entire country -- don't be tempted to think the way the demons do -- they're merely justifying their own pathological missteps), that it can make any person -- man, woman, child, teenage girl -- depressed. The funny thing is, it doesn't just make you depressed about plastic surgery and sad women and sleazy TV executives. It also makes you depressed about the war in Iraq, the frailty of the human ego, the undeniable soul-sucking lameness of our culture, and the impossibility for real beauty at a time when such confused animals roam the earth. "The Swan" is bad for you. It's bad for me. "The Swan" is bad. Openly reject those who discuss this show. Go ahead. Ostracize them. Limit their freedom of speech. Let the FCC roll its cannons onto this battlefield. Why do bare tits outrage us more than this tragedy in motion?

Right Wing Eye
This is funny...http://www.rightwingeye.com/

Okay, it's not quite Queer Eye ... it's "Right Wing Eye," a hilarious new spoof featuring five of America's most outrageous conservatives: Rush, Jerry Falwell, Ralph Reed, Pat Buchanan and Pat Robertson. In this episode, the Boys give young American couple Ted and Laura a totally extreme right-wing makeover.

FYI, I'm going to be in DC for the March for Women's Lives...let me know if any of you are planning to be there too...

Poor Sick Me
Sorry kids...a bad case of tonsillitis and strep knocked the Daily Roundup out of commission for bit. But I am on antibiotics and slowly making my way back to the land of the living...


Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Onion Pick
This is almost too realistic.

15-Year-Old Nephew Asked If He Can Get Ecstasy
MINNEAPOLIS—Having exhausted several more conventional sources for illegal drugs, area copy editor Alex Henderson, 33, was forced to ask his 15-year-old nephew Kevin for MDMA Monday.

Hot Uncensored Beckham Affair
OK, so the tabloids have published the censored version of the allegedly torrid text messages between David Beckham and his assistant Rebecca Loos:

DB: OK you need to save all that energy for ****.
RL: Is it ****?
DB: Very, very ****, thinking of your **** and the *****.
RL: Remember the last time. I have never **** so hard
DB: Now I am doing something, think about your ****.
RL: ****** your ****.

But this site has some theories as to what was really being said:

DB: OK you need to save all that energy for oiling my car.
RL: Is it foreign?
DB: Very, very fucking foreign, thinking of your wrench and the vise grip.
RL: Remember the last time. I have never pumped gas so hard
DB: Now I am doing something, think about your hubcaps.
RL: Nigga, I'll change your tires too.


Tuesday, April 06, 2004

Das Krackenhaus Owner Revealed!
From Page Six...It's totally her:

DEBBIE Rowe, Michael Jackson's ex-wife, has a perverse penchant for pink flamingos. "Entertainment Tonight" cameras caught the mother of Jacko's kids at a Marina del Rey nursery picking out yet another pair of the white-trash totems, which keep getting stolen from her Beverly Hills home. Rowe loaded the plastic lawn ornaments into the back of her black Mercedes convertible and drove home where she promptly staked them in her front yard.

This Just In
From Blacktable reviews:

F TRAIN RIDERS STILL READING THE CORRECTIONS: The New York Times says with the right taste in literature (and fishnet stockings), you'll meet the love of your life on the subway, so WHAT are you still doing with that well-thumbed copy of the magnum opus of 2002? Just how do you expect to reel in that girl with the monthly Metrocard and the Beacon's Closet ensemble if you're so stranded in the literary landscape of yesteryear that your edition all but features a cover photo of Laura Linney from the soon-to-be-released Miramax film version?

And this...

DARK-, CURLY-HAIRED WOMEN WITH STRAIGHT BLOND HAIR: Dear Former Messy-Haired Brunettes: Do you really think straightening and bleaching your hair makes you look better? Are you really convinced you're prettier like that? Or is it that you're secretly afraid it looks like you've got pubes growing out of your head? C'mon now. Heat and peroxide are a match made in hell. Your hair looks like straw. Straw! Every time I see you I get the urge to rush home and sweep something. Is it really worth it? It doesn't make you look more of a professional; it just makes you look more like you hate your gene pool. It's too late to make the cheerleading squad. Get over it. It's time to lay down the round brush. You always miss a chunk at the back anyway.

Denise Richards, I'm looking at you...

More on Match
Lindsayism.com discusses that Match.com physical attraction test I posted a while ago. I think her experience with it is probably representative of what we all found:

"I had to take the test three times to get it to stop telling me I like preppy jocks. Yeah, sounds unscientific, but the fact is nearly all of the choices were unattractive because I didn't like their haircuts and I kept having to squint and imagine them with better hair and holding guitars. I picked one guy just because he looked vaguely British and I like British music. The hardest part of the test was "choose the men you think would be attracted to you." What is that? How do you do that? Pick the ones who look gayest?"

Dating Soundtrack
This is too funny...this site did a breakdown of songs that are representative of the different internet dating websites...I don't know how they thought of it but I love it...some highlights:

JDate - Mr. T Experience "Even Hitler Had A Girlfriend"
Hold your anti-semitic whining, for I'm a challah-carrying Jew and I mean no disrespect. But you have to admit Dr. Frank has a point here:
"He was the worst guy ever, reviled and despised.
Even Hitler had a girlfriend so why can't I?"
While this sounds dramatic, Jewish singles over 30 feel desperation on near-tragic levels and ask themselves that very question every night crying themselves to sleep.

Nerve - Serge Gainsbourg "initials B.B."
Before Friendster there was Nerve. In the hey-day of Friendster there was Nerve. After Friendster there will still be Nerve. See what I'm getting at? Of course not, but it's also impossible to follow Serge Gainsbourg if you don't know French. So just sit back, relax, enjoy a smoke, and imagine all the pretty lovers you'll never have.

AOL's Love.com - Love & Arthur Lee "Alone Again Or"
"Powered by Instant Messenger, used by no one."

Craigslist Casual Encounters - Dwarves "Let's Fuck"
Short. Fast. Loud. Obnoxious. Dangerous. Messy. Satisfied. So repeat as often as necessary.

Match - Beatles "I've Just Seen a Face"
Match.com has a new dating tool called the Physical Attraction Test, oddly named since it's more likely to cause repulsion. The idea is to find facial/body preferences through a series of quick excercises that flash pictures that you rate attractive or not. It's all morphed facial features which produces a line-up of backwater inbreds.

So Unnecessary
Now I love reality TV but even I think this is a touch too much.

Sugar Ray to Appear on Reality TV Show
The rock band will participate in "On the Road," a reality show for Spike TV, singer Mark McGrath told The Associated Press Monday.
"We thought what the world needs now is another reality show," McGrath joked. The show, set to air this summer, follows eight contestants who go on tour with Sugar Ray. They compete for a job with a music label and a new Kia car.
"I describe it as `The Apprentice' meets `The Real World,'" McGrath said.


Monday, April 05, 2004

Celebrity Seder
The NY Daily News describes the "Downtown Seder" at the Museum of Jewish Heritage - this is the part that caught my eye:

Perry Farrell of Jane's Addiction supplied a video of himself rocking out to the Hebrew classic "Dayenu"

Enough said.

Craig's List Freaks
Ok, I heart CL as much as the next person but clearly NOT as much as these people...is this really necessary? What kind of person signs up for something like this?

wanna be flagged for "best of"? yea, we know you do
Reply to: anon-28021671@craigslist.org
Date: 2004-04-04, 3:02AM EDT

hey all...
a couple of fellow CL-sters and myself are starting a writing workshop for CL posts, and we are looking for those interested in attending these workshops. we will discuss individual writing techniques and how to find the particular strengths and weaknesses of each in order to improve our posts. we will also focus on polishing style. and for beginners, we will work on finding your "voice". we will critically think about lengths of posts (when and why they work). also editing, as well as more technical-yet-as-critical writing issues such as spelling, grammar, syntax, etc. this is especially for to those who post with the intention of being "published" in the "Best Of" Craigslist's Anthology.
as of now, classes are free.

if interested, reply with a brief sample of your work.
we are very serious about this.

How could we have missed this?
Of course the second we stop going to Siberia, cool stuff starts happening there...from Page Six:

SEBASTIAN Bach singing "18 and Life" at Hell's Kitchen dive bar Siberia after filming a segment for VH1

Neck Face
Ever wondered about that graffiti signed Neck face? I have...A profile of Neck face in the New Yorker...ooh graffiti goes all high-brow and shit:

For the past year and a half, a mischievous presence has been asserting itself on the city’s street lamps, doorways, traffic-light-control boxes, and any other visible surface that it is in no one’s interest to monitor or clean too diligently: drawings of snaggletoothed monsters and hairy limbs with sharpened nails, and oblique yet strangely pointed phrases such as “beat with the ugly stick.” These images are often signed “Neck Face,” in angular capital letters that look like the work of an angry toddler or of Danny Torrance in “The Shining.”

Big Shocker
It was only a matter of time...
Kelly Osbourne entering drug rehab

What If?...
Black Table had some writers share their stories about Kurt Cobain's death in honor of the 10th anniversary...I think the best is this gem:

Given the acceleration of the fame cycle since 1994, Kurt would be doing a guest spot on
"Star Search" ... maybe hosting "TRL" with La-La and Good Charlotte. I'm not saying he'd be guest-hosting "Clean Sweep," but his sick (and inevitable) Mercer Island mansion would have made it to "Cribs."

Too Damn Funny
Saw this on TOTC. It sounds like an Onion article but it's real.
Brawl breaks out at anger management assembly


Friday, April 02, 2004

Check out this wierd and disgusting Craigs List Story:

PSS proceeds to pull out his wallet. "Hey, wait a minute..." DS stares, swaying a bit, as PSS pulls out a wad of $100 bills. "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you give me your used tampon."

I'm Not a Whore, I'm a Dancer!
An indepth reexamination of Showgirls on Salon. I find this description particularly apt:
"Hunger" is the word that most accurately describes Berkley's fearless and untutored performance. In the early scene where she meets Molly (the immensely appealing Gina Ravera), Berkley stabs a straw into a giant soda cup, shakes a bottle of ketchup like a rabbit caught in a hunting dog's jaws, and mashes the ketchup into a plate of French fries. In the course of the movie, she takes ravenous bites out of oversize burgers and attacks a bag of potato chips. She's all appetite and movement, as if she were challenging Verhoeven to keep up with her.

Kind of Funny, Kind of Tragic
"A teenager was run over and killed as he mooned at passing cars during a boozy night out..."
Courtesy of TOTC


Thursday, April 01, 2004

April Fools? No, They're Fools All Year
Just discovered this lovely site. Check out some 4/1 fun:

Jessica is pregnant, will divorce Nick.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are having a baby -- but Nick won't be around to see the birth. Announcing her pregnancy, Jessica said she felt Nick tricked her into having his child: "He put his purple-headed yogurt slinger in my fuzzy taco without the Saran Wrap, and now there's, like, a baby in my tummy tum tum tum." Jessica says the couple regularly used Saran Wrap and Coca-Cola for protection; she learned about those in her abstinence-only sex ed class. Nick insisted it wasn't his fault, saying, "Do you really think I want my genes to mix with hers? I'm glad this happened, though; I really can't stand her. Let's see how well her solo career does without the benefits of my shadow." Jessica's producer/manager/pimp/father Joe Simpson denied that he was in any way responsible for her pregnancy: "I only whore my daughter out to MTV and ABC; I wouldn't take advantage of her. But I'm glad she's preggers because now I can produce more shows." Production on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica has ceased, but the couple's separation and ultimate divorce will be chronicled in Newlydivorced: Nick and Jessica, which will air on MTV this fall. A spin-off, Newlyborn: Nick and Jessica's Spawn, will chronicle the prengnacy and childhood of the baby, from zygote to afterbirth to first steps.

Could it be?
From popbitch...
"Kyan Douglas from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is really called Eddie. His stage name is said to come from a stint as a stripper in New Orleans using the name Kyan Pepper."

LOVE this article in the New York Press (thanks "Abe"!) 50 MOST LOATHSOME NEW YORKERS"
You've got to love an article that trashes such diverse characters as Bonnie Fuller, 50 Cent, and the spokesperson for the AirTrain...Some choice tidbits:

#42 i-Snobs
THE BLINDING WHITE cords flowing out of my sublimely waxed ears say it all: I'm in no mood for talking, and my income bracket makes cumbersome CDs so unnecessary, so Second Wave...

#25 Lenny Kravitz, Musician
WHEN IN PUBLIC, neo-hippie glam rocker Lenny Kravitz—aka Moe Ron—has been known to employ a man to follow him around and carry the flowing tail of his royal cardigan sweater.

#13 Sarah Jessica Parker, Actress
WHEN GIRLS THINK another girl is beautiful, but guys know she isn't, call it the Sarah Jessica Parker syndrome.

#8 Donald Trump
Developer Bill Gates has donated $100 million to fight AIDS in Africa; Donald Trump's contribution to the war on HIV consists of having his supermodel prostitutes tested before going in bareback.

#1 Rudy Giuliani,Businessman
FOR RUNNING AROUND the streets of Lower Manhattan without visibly crapping himself, Giuliani was elevated from the world's most hypocritical goon to He-Man, Master of the Universe.

Subway Gripe
I must vent about my newest subway pet peeve. You have a long ride ahead on a crowded subway. There are no free seats. You stand about and wait for someone to get off so you can have the seat. Then you get to a stop, people get off, and you think "Aha! Now's my chance!". You lunge for your well-earned and much-deserved seat.... then someone who JUST GOT ON the train gets it! You've put in the time waiting and some newbie snatches YOUR seat. Have THEY been standing for 5 stops? NO. Bastards.

Fucking Ingrate
What is with this guy?

"A retired truck driver claimed a $239 million Mega Millions jackpot Thursday...Despite his wife's excitement, Triplett said in his statement that ``It didn't excite me all that much. It's no big thing to me.''

$239 million is "no big thing?" Well if you're sooooo bored by it, Mr. Triplett, you can pass that jackpot on over to me.

I'm back
To anyone who noticed my lack of posts this AM (maybe I am just kidding myself that someone would notice), I had to spend all morning in a boring meeting. God, I hate it when my job interferes with this blog! I'll try not to let it happen again.


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