Friday, September 30, 2005

Your New Worst Enemy

Ugh, I don't know what they were thinking, but Friendster has added this feature (without alerting anyone!) where you can see everyone who has looked at your profile! It is truly horrifying for those who like to kill time with a little mild, harmless cyber-stalking...Luckily, it doesn't show how MANY times someone has viewed a given profile, or lives could seriously be ruined here. Also, there IS a way to fix it (though not the damage that has already been done). Before you click on anyone else's profile, go into "My Settings" and change yourself over to "view profiles anonymously". Then go obsessively check out whose been looking at you. It will help soothe your wounds.

Bastards. MySpace Tom would never pull this shit!

(screencap via Gawker)

UPDATE: Matt just called to tell me that, even though I switched myself to Anonymous, I still showed up in his in his viewed log this AM. Fuckers. We will conduct some more internal testing and report back. Also, Leah has fired off an angry letter to the Fuckster headquarters (and notified Gawker) and my sister wants to sue the bejezus out of them...I'll keep you posted of any class-action suits that arise.

You Can't Make It Up has posted a tres amusante friendster obituary that includes transcription of an AIM convo that I'm sure took place on many a computer in the last 24 hours...

Friend: OMG
Friend: on friendster
Michelle: ?
Friend: you can now see WHO'S VIEWED YOU
Michelle: WHAT.
Friend: i know i know
Michelle: WHATWAHTW!@@#$09:-(;-)89ru0p2q3 r5
Friend: omgomgomgomgomg
Michelle: i am ALITERALLY DYING!
Friend: this is fucking crazy
Michelle: hahahah
Friend: my palms are literally sweating


Thursday, September 29, 2005

"Jigga what?"

Have you seen the commercial for Britney Spears' new perfume, Fantasy? Well, if you haven't, Television Without Pity captured it well...Keep your eye out for the commercial though, it's really quite something...
"Suddenly we are transported into a dank-looking forest and hear a half-wit voice over, "Once upon a time there was a goddess...and a hunter. She was beautiful, and he couldn't help himself." Yes, everyone, it is Britney Spears. And this dank forest isn't just any moldy rotfest, but rather is symbolic of her vagina. And also...beautiful goddess? And the hunter is maybe K. Fed or maybe a cunning look-alike, though I can't imagine what on his schedule would prevent Cletus from being in this commercial. Britney continues to voice over, "There wasn't a single part of her he didn't want to touch." Unlike the rest of us, who couldn't imagine a single part of her we WOULD want to touch. Also, even her cheese feet? Britney throws some sort of fairy dust at him, and Cletus the Hunter, complete with bow and arrow, runs to find her, breezing past a tree trunk upon which is carved "Britney + Kevin." Gross. "But she was leaving soon," the narration continues, "on a goddess world tour." Jigga what? We get a flash of modern-day Britney in concert. An owl looks askance at the pair. "So he did something kind of crazy..." Um, left his seven-months-pregnant wife only to introduce her to the wonders of crystal meth, knock her up, and secure a future full of all the manpris money can buy? No, as it turns out he shot her with a "magic love arrow." Well, if that's what the kids are calling it these days. And they lived happily ever after. Turns out it is an ad for Fantasy, a new fragrance by Britney Spears. "Fantasy. Everybody has one." My fantasy is that the two of them go away, for real this time."

"The Art of Retouching"

DListed posted this link to this retoucher's website where you can check out the before and afters...good times...I actually felt like, for the most part, people looked pretty good pre-retouch anyway. I would have liked to see more cellulite and acne. But I'm a bitch like that. And for some reason, he seems to take all the black people from brown to orange...it's weird. The Erykah Badu ones are the best (worst?)...Her "Before" is at left.

Star Magazine: A committment to quality journalism

Gawker really puts it best...
"Star breaks the Watergatian news today that Jennifer Aniston has taken to saying that Angelina Jolie looks like Gollum. Helpfully, the magazine then considers whether it’s a reasonable charge..."
(there's a bigger image there too)

I love the side-by-side comparison of Oscars, box office, charity work, wardrobe, etc. My fave is "flaws", which is the same for both Angelina and Gollum: Bony, clawlike hands...hee!

You've just got to love Star Magazine!


Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Trapped in the Closet: A Resource Manual

Some of you know of my obsession with R. Kelly's "urban operetta", Trapped in the Closet. Let me just say that if you haven't seen it in it's entirety, you are MISSING OUT. You have no idea the levels of insanity that are present here. I guess once you've videotaped yourself pissing on 14 year-olds, there's really no where else to go except off the deep end.

The video raises a lot of questions...questions like, "What message is R. Kelly trying to send us?" (Cheating is bad?) and "Is R. Kelly- an accused child pornographer and pedophile- really the right person to deliver this particular message?" and "What the fuck?". For those of you struggling with these questions, I have some resources for you...

1) If you still haven't seen TITC, I believe you can view it here. Also, if you have tivo, do a keyword search for R. Kelly...they are playing it on MTV2 pretty regularly.

2) You can find the full lyrics here. A sampling..."I close my mouth,and swallow spit, as I'm thinking to myself this is some deep shit"

3) Wikipedia has a nice chapter-by-chapter breakdown of the action. Plus I think there are links to the videos.

4) Here is a pretty accurate review...an excerpt:
One thing is clear: when he's not busy defending himself against statutory rape charges, R&B star R. Kelly has ample time to immerse himself in watching daytime soap operas. How else to explain Trapped in the Closet, the five-part song cycle that closes out his latest album, TP.3 Reloaded?...Simply put, Trapped in the Closet is the worst thing I've ever heard or seen...Of course, like a daytime soap, Trapped in the Closet often falls into the "so-bad-it's-good" category. I heartily recommend that you watch the video (which has been airing in its entirety on MTV 2) because it's not all that often that you get a chance to revel in something so sublimely awful as this.

5) And last but not least...my personal favorite...Trapped in the Closet: the Cliff Notes...

The best part is the glossary definitions and the essay questions...some samples...

Glossary :

Bogus shit: Unpleasant business.
Mack shit: The lies of an insincere womanizer.
Nigga: A negro.

Essay questions:

1. Why does Chuck look for Sylvester under the dresser? How big do you imagine the dresser to be?

2. In chapter four, what does Sylvester mean by "a tear fell up out my eye?"

3. When Sylvester's wife is describing the string of friends that led to the policeman, who is Tina and where does she fit into anything?

Busted!ok, so this happened last week but I'm still posting about it because it's still relevent as Kate just got chucked from her H&M contract today...How much longer before Rimmel, Chanel, Burberry and Dior follow suit?...

15 September 2005
By Stephen Moyes

THE Daily Mirror today reveals shocking pictures of supermodel Kate Moss snorting a fat line of cocaine during a debauched drugs and drink session with junkie lover Pete Doherty...

...It is clear from the extraordinary images, captured during a Mirror undercover investigation, that the 31-year-old catwalk queen is a practised user. Rumours of her drug habits have circulated for years but she has always denied taking Class As such as cocaine.

In a West London recording studio, though, Kate chats casually with Doherty and pals as she absent-mindedly crushes and chops out the chunky lines on the back of a plastic CD cover. With her blonde hair hanging untidily around her shoulders, the model icon, worth £30 million, prepares up to 20 lines of coke in just 40 minutes.

Using a mammoth stash, which she kept safely wrapped in her handbag, Kate - mother of a two-year-old daughter - has no qualms about being seen with the illegal drugs...


Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Fuck Me Gently With A Chainsaw

You Can't Make It Up has created a gem that turned my frown upside down on this grim, overcast, injury-ridden day...may I present...

The Martha Dumptruck/Andy Milonakis Conspiracy

Today I propose we play a little game, where we decide if the picture in question is of Martha Dumptruck, from possibly the best movie from the 1980's, Heathers, or Andy Milonakis, the funny, baby-faced 29-year-old star of the self-titled Andy Milonakis Show. The similarities are so startling, it makes you wonder where these two were between 1990-2004... Parent Trap remake, anyone?
(photomontage courtesy of defamer)

The Klutz in the Bubble

This is going to be me.

I want to cry. Just now, literally 30 seconds after complaining to my co-worker that I have my right wrist in a splint (quasi-carpal tunnel) and my right ankle in an ace bandage (sprained ankle from sat night) I slip on the newly waxed floors on the way to the bathroom and twist my LEFT ankle for good measure. I literally fell on the floor outside the bathroom. Luckily no one saw or heard it. But now, when I get home tonight I am going to have to ice 3 out of 4 limbs. That is just sad. Its not like I'm some Xtreme athlete or something. I am hurting myself just WALKING and TYPING. I need to be put in a plastic bubble or something away from society.


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