Tuesday, August 31, 2004

The Kids These Days

Hulk Hogan and his daughter Brooke arrives on the red carpet at the MTV Billboard awards in Miami, Florida, August 29, 2004. Sixteen year old Brooke Hogan is an up and coming singer and a guest of the award show. REUTERS/Bill Davila
 Posted by Hello

So I know that I'm a bit late on this but...Hulk? It's really not so cool when your 16 year old daughter looks like a porn star. Don't look so proud. It just comes off as pervy.

Please go away.

Get off my back, bitch! Posted by Hello

Feh. This Redbook article by psychotic-smiling, mediawhore "Bachelorette" bride Trista Sutter is too gross for words. AND she's apparently their new columnist now. God help us. Why won't this woman go away? I'm sure that's what poor Ryan is thinking...(via Planetsocks)
My Life as a (New) Wife: How Not to Turn into His Mother
Do you ever find yourself pulling a granola bar out of your purse to feed your hungry (and grumpy) husband and feeling more like his mom than his wife?...
Best (worst) tip:
I started the "Ryan drawer." When he has the time and feels inspired to get something done, he reaches in and can pull out a bill to pay or sign an autograph for a fan. The key here is to learn how your husband functions best and encourage productivity however possible.
No, actually it gets worse:
I know that it's important for Ryan to have buddies, so when he goes out with them, I tell him to have fun. I fight the urge to suggest a reasonable hour for him to come home, but I won't hesitate to make sure he carries his cell phone. Otherwise, Ryan is a big boy now and deserves to have a good time without my fretting out loud.

Only in New York, kids, Only in New York

What IS this? Posted by Hello

So last night I found this flyer on the Manhattan-bound N train. We pondered it for a while. It is very strange...Was this man on the train at some point performing, perhaps the James Brown impression? If so, why does he need a flyer? If he just left the flyer, why not include some contact info? Why would anyone "dispute" the letter?What does it all mean?

Flyer text:
My name is Tommy Simms.
I had an accident when I was young. I was shoved by mistake while playing with another kid.
I grew up through life having epilepsy and black-outs from 1952-1962. I'm very energetic and talented.
I am a house D.J. looking for success. I also imitate James Brown. I consider myself a good Showman. If you can, please contribute whatever you can.

(photocopy of ID card)


In the street

The "Run-In" Posted by Hello

I like this Universal Review of a phenomenon, "Running into People"...quite amusing and accurate...I especially dread running into people on the way to or from work...

Every day for the past week I have run into at least one person from the dim recesses of my past (eg, last year or earlier). This is one of the perils of living in New York, as I think I’ve whined about before: no anonymity at all, really. “The city is no place to hide in, everybody knows your number,” as Linda Ronstadt once sang. Running into people is a mixed bag. Here are the pros:

1. Proof that you exist. People remember your name.
2. Sometimes you run into people who you actually like, even though you forgot about them or lazily fell out of touch.
3. You can gain valuable gossip to tell other people who know the person you ran into.
4. Even if you don’t like the person, sometimes the story of running into them can be turned into a funny anecdote.
5. If you run into someone you really hate while looking especially good, it can be very satisfying.
6. You feel as if you are a part of a greater whole/ as if your life has a narrative logic behind it.

None of which fully redeems the cons . . .


"I'm gonna punch out your lights"
 Posted by Hello

OOoooooh!...Looks like Tara Reid's mentorship of Lindsey Lohan in the ways of implants and inebriation is hitting the rocks...and all over Paris "lazy tip sucker" Hilton! What a fucking attention whore that Paris is! You know she's loving it. Meanwhile poor Nicole Ritchie is all "I thought I was Paris's best friend!". Poor Nicole...(via Defamer)

Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid vying for Paris Hilton's affection!

Rumours are abuzz that both Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid are vying with each other for Paris Hilton's attention. The two reportedly had a major row recently over who is Paris' best friend.

According to The Sunday Telegraph, Tara Reid who has been Paris' friend for quite sometime, could not accept the fact that Lindsay was hogging much of Hilton's attention.

At a recent party in Vegas, an inebriated Tara reportedly abused Lohan. "Tara called Lindsay every name in the book. And things got worse after Tara consumed a few cocktails. At one point, Tara even threatened, 'I'm gonna punch out your lights', to a stunned Lindsay - and Tara meant it," a source was quoted as saying.

"Tara has been close pals with Paris for a while now and I think she feels that Lindsay is moving in on her turf," the source added.


Monday, August 30, 2004

Back to school, back to school, to prove again that I'm still a fool

Most Likely to Succeed? Posted by Hello

Tommy Lee Goes "Old School"

Get ready, kids: Former Motley Crew drummer Tommy Lee may well be sitting next to you in class this fall.

Cribbing from Old School, NBC has agreed to pick up a new half-hour reality show featuring the 42-year-old rock star enrolling in college.

No word yet on where Lee will matriculate, or how he did on his SATs, but it's a safe bet that the school will be somewhere in California as Lee lives in Los Angeles. The show aims to capture Lee both in, and out of the classroom (beer bong, dudes?)...
I can't wait to find out which esteemed university has sold it's academic integrity out for a chance at mediawhoredom by accepting a wife-beating, drug-using has-been into their ranks...Good lord, do I really want to go back to LA after all?

East Village Convention Report

...business as usual Posted by Hello

I found this bit from Gawker quite funny...

Convention Coverage: Gawker Ventures Outside
THIS SPECIAL CONVENTION REPORT JUST IN! It's 10:49 on Avenue A and some people are waking up and going to the deli. Someone looking suspiciously like a bartender is taking what looks suspiciously like a still-drunk floozie to Odessa for a really cheap breakfast. People are drinking coffee, and some appear to be going to work! Wait.. Wait... This one guy appears to be buying a newspaper! More on this important New York City Convention coverage as it develops!

And I owe it all to you

The student surpasses the teacher Posted by Hello

This imagined convo between Lindsey Lohan and Hollywood Trash Tutor Tara Reid is fucking great...(via Defamer)

Lindsay Lohan: Tara, it's Lindsay.
Tara Reid: Hey there bad girl!
LL: Guess what?
TR: What?
LL: Wilmer just gave me a promise ring!
TR: That's super special. Did you wipe it off with kleenex like I showed you?
LL: No, not around my neck - it's for my finger!
LL: OMG for sure!
TR: How are your boobs?
LL: Fucking huge!
TR: Ask me how mine are.
LL: How are your boobs?
TR: (pause) Fucking huge!
TR: OMG fuck yeah!
LL: Mine kind of hurt though.
TR: I know, I have like little blobs of silicone in my toes and all my joints ache!
LL: That's so weird.
TR: Hang on, I'm falling off a table...Wheee!


Thursday, August 26, 2004

Breaking news: Carson Daly, Still Not Funny

 Posted by Hello
Carson's cereal number
...During a taping this week of the NBC late-night show "Last Call With Carson Daly" - for an episode scheduled to air Sept. 3 - the host held up a box of Wheaties featuring six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps.

Daly said, "And look what was right next to it on the shelf."

Then he held up a box of something called "Gay Wheaties," with a madly grinning McGreevey pictured on the front.

"Tastes just like Gay Cheerios," Daly announced as he popped some in his mouth.

Um...NO. That is the most unfunny, stupid thing I've ever seen. I wouldn't even classify that as offensive- it's not clever enough to be offensive.

In contrast, the response from Human Rights Campaign is quite clever...
...Steven Fisher, of the gay advocacy group Human Rights Campaign, quipped: "Carson should get to know gay people better. Cereal has way too many carbs."

New Levels of Stupidity for Paris

oops! Posted by Hello

What a fucking moron. I want to call the Humane Society on her.

August 26, 2004 -- PARIS Hilton didn't lose her dog, Tinkerbelle, after all. While the celebutante was putting out APBs on her missing mutt, he was exactly where she left him. According to a friend of hers, it seems that Paris, in slightly cloudy shape, had dropped the pup off at her grandparents' house. When Tinkerbelle's plight started getting press, the grandparents' housekeeper called and reminded Paris where her pooch was. A rep for Hilton denied the story.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Makeup Recommendation

Best Lipgloss Ever Posted by Hello

I would like to give my hearty endorsement to this product...Bobbi Brown Lip Tint in Black Cherry (not the color in the pic). It has SPF 15, a great consistency, is long-lasting, and is the perfect color- it looks good on everybody! Everyone who's tried on mine has gone out and bought it for themselves. Seriously, it is the perfect "1 shade darker than your lips" color. I have been searching for a lip gloss like this all my life!

1 small step away from hypocrisy

 Posted by Hello
It's about fucking time...

August 25, 2004 -- WASHINGTON — Vice President Dick Cheney broke from his boss yesterday and threw his support behind "an issue our family is very familiar with" — gay relationships.

"Lynne and I have a gay daughter, so it's an issue our family is very familiar with," Cheney said of his daughter, Mary.

When asked at a campaign stop in Iowa where he stood on gay marriage, Cheney said: "With respect to the question of relationships, my general view is freedom means freedom for everyone."

"People ought to be free to enter into any kind of relationship they want to," he added...

Boy Scout's Motto

Bentley to Kerry: Be Prepared Posted by Hello

I don't know why exactly, but this bit of advice from professional umbrella-holder Fonzworth Bentley to presidential candidate John Kerry is unintentionally hilarious!...
The dandy dude also wishes our presidential candidates would mix it up a little bit, particularly with pocket squares. "It's ridiculous for John Kerry to not wear a pocket square. His wife is Ms. Heinz," he ranted to PAGE SIX's Lisa Marsh. "What if she spills some ketchup on herself? What's he going to do? If he has a pocket square, he's prepared."


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Everything I do, I do it for you

My one true love Posted by Hello

It's no secret that I heart Television Without Pity. After I discovered the Centerstage recap, my love grew even deeper. And when I found a Cruel Intentions summary buried in the Buffy recaps, I decided it was my duty to exhaustively search the TWOP archives to see what lay beneath...You may think I'm a freak with too much time on my hands, but you will thank me some day when you are bored and languishing...

For your procrastinating pleasure...
Friends till the end
I know what you did last summer
Cruel Intentions
Sorority Boys
Summer Catch
Charlies Angels
The Rules of Attraction
Wonder Boys
Varsity Blues
Behind the Camera: The unauthorized story of Three's Company
Beverly Hills 90210: the Reunion
The Facts of Life Reunion
Lady Marmalade, from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
The Growing Pains Reunion Movie
My So Called Life (all eps)

Beer Bong for the New Millenium

The frat boys are gonna love this Posted by Hello

Buzz breather has air of legality

Belly up to the bar and take a deep, deep breath.
The machine that converts alcohol into breathable mist, the one that supposedly creates a low-calorie, hangover-free buzz, is apparently perfectly legal, according to state officials...
But don't get too excited...it actually takes longer to get drunk this way. And what's the good in that? I would like to experiment with the "hangover-free" claim, though- anyone up for conducting some experiments in the name of science?

Tom Cruise is losing it

L. Ron must be so proud Posted by Hello

From the Scoop...
Some may find it ironic that Tom Cruise is accusing psychiatry of being a cult. The star is a member of Scientology, which opposes psychiatry, and which some critics have called a cult. “It’s someone’s opinion that says you have a chemical imbalance,” Cruise told The Scotsman. “These people have set themselves up as authorities, and, basically, it is just an esoteric cult, and it’s disgusting.”
Yeah, that's right Tom, psychiatry is an esoteric cult. Not Scientology. You go on believing that, freak.


Monday, August 23, 2004

Over-cumming Masturbation

This Mormon guide to "overcoming" masturbation makes me so sad...check out these self-control tips and picture how fucked up these kids are gonna be. (via Black Table)
- Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

- In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

- If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind.

- In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eating several of them as you do the act.

Dirty Bird

 Posted by Hello

Hee! Defamer has an expose on Pete Yorn's "moves". Too funny...
...According to an anonymous source with knowledge of Yorn's "technique," he could further improve his pick-up prospects by abandoning his "OCD-like need to constantly readjust his package and/or scratch his balls." But if you're a well-known musician with a powerful showbiz family, why not scratch away? Besides, it's probably not a hygeine problem, just a defense mechanism to keep himself from constantly having to service his groupies...


Friday, August 20, 2004

Vice Guide to Everything

 Posted by Hello

I'm loving this Vice Guide to Everything...some samples:

DOs & DON'Ts—Shots
If someone buys you a shot, you have to do it, no matter what. If you're too hungover or the bar is about to close, you can pretend to do it by throwing it over your shoulder, but if you get caught that person has the right to never speak to you again.

DOs & DON'Ts—Being pussy-whipped
If you are doing things you don't want to do more than 50% of the time, you are pussy-whipped. There's a fine line between being a caring boyfriend and being whipped, so the only way to know for sure is to ask your friends. As a general rule, if there are things you are "not allowed" to do, you are whipped. Other indications include: you are expected to provide foot massages, you sincerely like her friends, you divide the housework evenly, you divide the cooking evenly, you're worried she's mad at you, you talk about her hair.

DOs & DON'Ts—Babies
After college, girls have to decide if they want babies or a career. If you think you're going to be a graphic designer and then stop everything at 36, find the right guy, have the baby, and then go back to your career when the kid starts pre-school, you are sadly mistaken. Your eggs are shit at 36. Don't get mad at us, it's God's fault. So if you don't want to be a lonely spinster who watches Sex and the City like it's on fire, get over careers and find a reliable man.
P.S. Careers aren't that great anyways; it's not all golf and strip clubs, it's mostly putting out fires and worrying about lawyers.

DOs & DON'Ts—Duration
No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you're going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work!

DOs & DON'Ts—The basic rules of fashion
The basic rule is: You have to be at least a little uncomfortable.
We are in an epoch right now when everyone is determined to be at a sleepover. Nobody can endure any discomfort whatsoever, not even for a moment. If a woman goes out on a limb and gets dressed up one night, she punishes the world by wearing track pants and flip-flops for days after. If a man feels even slightly warm he takes his shirt off and lets the whole world see his hairy tits. Back in the Wild West, we were wearing three-piece suits and top hats in the middle of July. Can we not have at least a modicum of discipline? It's not that hard.


Thursday, August 19, 2004

Flowers in the Attic: Incest Porn for the Preteen Set

Ahh..the memories! Posted by Hello

I've been waiting with bated breath for this this essay on the sicko incestuous freakshow that is V.C. Andrews' Flowers in the Attic series .Remember Flowers in the Attic? I think it stands, to date, as some of the most twisted, fucked up shit I've ever read. And it was ALL THE RAGE in the 5th and 6th grade. I mean, every girl was toting around one of these books with the signature gothic cut-out on the front cover, that revealed a disturbed family scene peeking out from the next page. Didn't anyone's parents or the school librarian, for God's sake, ever crack open a copy and realize what we were reading?!?!

Children of the Corn by Emily Mead
Everything I needed to know about sex, I learned from a schlocky "young adult" novel about incest.

Hard to believe it's been twenty-five years since V.C. Andrews — gothic godmother to generations of preadolescent girls — published Flowers in the Attic, the runaway bestseller that really put incest and infanticide on the map for fifth graders. It's still being passed around girls' locker rooms, although with ninety million copies of her forty-plus novels in print, there's really no reason to share: every secondhand store across this great land seems to have at least one dog-eared, drooled-upon copy of her catnippy, extra-lite smut floating around...

Newlyweds: The Trailer Trash Edition

The Devolution will be Televised! Posted by Hello

Sign this Gawker-helmed online petition on behalf of one of the most pressing social issues of our times!

UPDATE (via Defamer):

THAT Britney Spears has a right mouth on her...

The 22-year-old singer left motormouth Popword presenter Simon Amstell speechless during a recent interview.

When he asked her what was the last thing she'd had in her mouth, she replied "a dildo".
People, the reality show MUST happen! We can make it happen!

What a Lush

Hungover Bear? Posted by Hello

This is so funny! Some university should adopt him as their mascot- the frat boys would love it!

Bear Passes Out After Only 36 Beers

SEATTLE (Reuters) - A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles northeast of Seattle.

The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans, swilled down the suds.

It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge.

Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said Broxson. They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman

Women's Gymnastics Team Awards Posted by Hello

Great article on Salon about the state of women's gymnastics...

Women's gymnastics should grow up: A sport that forces women to be little girls is sick and wrong and needs to be fixed

...I was happy to see a couple of 25-year-olds prominent in the team finals, Mohini Bhardwaj of the United States and Svetlana Khorkina of bronze-winning Russia. Of course, both are considered freakish for still being Olympic gymnasts at that advanced age. The Americans even have a 26-year-old, vault specialist Annia Hatch.

Bhardwaj, unwelcome in the little-girls-only world of official gymnastic training, famously had to pay her own way over the last few years, at one point enlisting financial help from Pamela Anderson, which I mention only for the sake of page views.

Even with those two old birds, Bhardwaj and Hatch, the average age of the U.S. team is 19 and a half. This is a problem. A sport in which women become washed up years before they reach their athletic prime is a sport that needs redesigning. A sport that supposedly emphasizes strength and athleticism, among other things, but for which you're in trouble if you tip the scales in triple digits and you're just about disqualified if you top 115 is a sport that needs fixing...
This is all highlighted by this paragraph off of one of Fox Sports interactive segments on "The Gymnast: Anatomically Speaking"...
Youthful exuberance
The young age of the majority of female gymnasts is no coincidence. As the human body ages, bones harden and the muscles tighten, making much of a gymnast's work almost impossible to undertake. Height and weight are also a factor, as lighter, more svelte figures are easier to push through gymnastic movements. For men, age is but a number. Strength is more important than beauty.

New York Is So Cool!

 Posted by Hello

Thanks to Stereogum for linking to this song, New York is So Cool- it's fucking hilarious...All the LA folks can feel free to play this to shut me up when I move back and start reminicing about my glory days in NYC.
Here are some sample lyrics...
...My friend keeps telling me how good her life is now
Her apartment is only $1350 a month! which is a really good deal!
So she has SO much fun! Like she has 3 jobs!
She works at this bar DJing,
and then she works like reception at a fashion magazine,
and then she like goes to castings!
New York is SO COOL!...
Also, Tale of Two Cities found a great Craig's List hipster-bashing, which I will also link to here, since it seems to go well with the general theme of this post...
You've got the sexy, shaggy, unkempt greasy-but-not-too-gross hair. You've got flawless skin so pale that you glow in the dark. You've got the ironic vintage shirt, the shabby corduroy blazer and the chic designer jeans. You've got the carefully beat-up Chucks. You've got a two room walk-up in Williamsburg which you share with a highly-strung actor, a struggling writer, a freegan and a docile, hairy guy in a poncho who grows weed under the kitchen sink. To top it all off, you've got your own up-and-coming post-punk band. You're almost perfect. But wait a minute. You're missing something:

The ethnic girlfriend.

Yes, you've got the look down but, as we ALL know, nothing's complete without accessories. You without a ethnic girlfriend is like a messenger bag without thousands of buttons proclaiming your political leanings and your extensive knowledge of music...

Hypocrisy Thy Name is Bush-Cheney

The Bush Fam Posted by Hello

From the NY Daily News today...

Bush gals to see gay vows

When Washington-area beautician Erwin Gomez and his longtime partner James Packard celebrate their marital vows with 400 of their closest friends next month, two of Gomez's best customers will probably be in attendance: President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara.

Yesterday, the 39-year-old Gomez - a makeup expert for the Elizabeth Arden shop in the D.C. suburb of Chevy Chase, Md. - told Lowdown that the First Twins have become devotees of his popular eyebrow waxes over the past few weeks.

And, Gomez added, Bush's daughters have expressed an enthusiastic desire to go to Gomez and Packard's Sept. 11 wedding celebration at their home in Laytonsville, Md.

"I gave them the party invitation, and they said, 'That sounds great, we'd love to come - it sounds like a lot of fun,'" Gomez said. "The way they reacted, they were very open-minded."

Never mind that their father supports a constitutional ban of gay marriages...
Ahh...the bitterly ironic hypocrisy of it all...they wanna party with the gays but not actually allow them to have a real occasion to celebrate. And I still don't know how Dick Cheney and his newly recloseted lesbian daughter Mary can live with themselves...

It's Your Time to Shine, Hairboy! You Go!

"Hairboy" Posted by Hello

Years ago on a visit to NYC, David, Jason D., and I saw a guy like this (though I think with even more hair) twice in 2 days. We saw him in Times Square and the next day saw him somewhere else like the Empire States Building. Jason and I were FREAKING OUT and Dave was pissed at us for our insensitivity. As always, Dave was right...poor Hairboy has led a life of ridicule and despair! But now he's going to be a rockstar! Go Hairboy!!!

China's 'Hairboy' Aspires to Be a Rock Star
By Lee Chyen Yee

SHANGHAI (Reuters) - He is an aspiring rock star, but Yu Zhenhuan's claim to fame for now is that he is the hairiest man in all of China.

Hair covers 96 percent of Yu's body. He may be surpassed only by a pair of Mexican brothers -- Victor "Larry" and Gabriel "Danny" Ramos Gomez -- listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as having 98 percent hair cover.

The 26-year-old Yu is candid and unembarrassed about a condition that has made him a phenomenon in China since he was born.

A stringy black fuzz matts every inch of his lanky frame, save for the palms of his hands and the soles of his feet.

And Yu has chosen to make use of his unique physical appearance, placing photos of himself on his Web site www.maohai.com -- or Hairboy.com -- as part of a drive to land a recording contract and become China's newest rock star...


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