Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Cameran hearts Black People!

Cameran: Master of Race Relations Posted by Hello

I just love TVgasm's coverage of the limp and tired Real World San Diego finale...especially the words of wisdom given to us by idiotic Southern Belle, Cameron...

Next week we have what promises to be another heavily edited reunion special hosted by Lala, or maybe what's-her-face Pak, or that Gideon jerk. Until then, we'll just quietly chuckle to ourselves as we remember Cameran's thoughtful insights about African Americans: "I've lived with a black person, and they're as cool as hell." Like OMG! Every group should have one!


Tuesday, June 29, 2004

And it's official...

On newstands tomorrow... Posted by Hello

...the Olsen Twin's Fall From Grace has begun.
Next Week: Ashley's Sex Video with Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier to be released...You got it, dude!

UPDATE: You've got to love Whatevs commentary on this...
HOLY FUCKING SHITBOX! if ever there was a story that was worth blowing off a "Campaign Analysis Follow-Up Status Meeting", it's this story! as broken by Star Magazine (via Defamer), Scary-Kate has been engaged in a torrid and illicit relationship with MICHAEL FUCKING CAINE!!! can you believe it? i mean, stories had been swirling for months and months and there were rumours that this little trip to rehab wasn't just because Scary-Kate ain't down with pork rinds, but STILL! while everyone expected that Jack and Kelly Osbourne would end up at Promises, whodathunk that one of the Twizzles would go all Pete Libertines up in this bitch???

"Scandalous" Sex Cruise

A contest on the "sex cruise" Posted by Hello

A contest from Spring Break Posted by Hello

I don't understand what all the fuss is about this "sex cruise"...

Britons caught on camera as shots of cruise ship orgy shock Cyprus
An urgent inquiry was launched in Cyprus last night after an undercover police operation exposed a group of up to 100 tourists, including Britons, taking part in what was described a mass orgy aboard a cruise ship off the island.
The scenes, shown on local TV and described as "debauched", were broadcast after being caught on camera in the police sting. Arrests are expected in the coming days. "These scenes are not just graphic, they go beyond every conceivable limit," the island's deputy chief of police, Sotiris Haralambous, said. "We are talking about 50, 100 people involved in acts of total debauchery. It's hard to even describe."

This other article is less shy about describing it...
...A while into the cruise, the competitions started. Four girls and four boys were selected from the audience.

"All the girls were wearing skirts", explained Kristoffer Sandvold, age 18. "They had to sit on a chair and got whipped cream between their thighs and crotch. The boys had to lick it away as fast as possible. Afterwards, a melon was placed between the girls’ legs and the boys had to eat it without using their hands. Then the boys had to sit on the chairs. First the girls were going to eat a banana the boys held by their crotch."
There is also a link to the pictures from the cruise and I don't really see how they are that scandalous. Have these people ever seen MTV Spring Break? Not that what goes on at MTV Spring Break is ok, but this doesn't seem to go that much beyond that. Seems like the same shit that goes on every night at Lucky Cheng's to me!

Emperor of all the world

This is totally me. Posted by Hello

I really like this Job Predictor website...you just put your name in and they tell you what your ideal job is. I love mine...

Your ideal job is a Emperor of all the world.

(via Black Table)

Courtney Knocked Up? Or Just Crazy?

Say it ain't so. Posted by Hello

God, this is terrifying...

June 29, 2004 -- PLEASE, Courtney. Say it isn't true.
Courtney Love whirled into Manhattan Criminal Court like a high-heeled train wreck, 5 1/2 hours late. Standing before the judge, she swatted theatrically at her nose, demanding that sketch artists get it right. Then she pulled out a box of Marlboro Reds from her purse and begged astonished court officers to let her light up, right there.

On the street, she told me something terrifying.

"I'm pregnant!" Courtney said, a weirdly ecstatic smile overtaking her face.

Come again?

"But not to the point where I have to quit smoking!" she quickly added, assuming my horrified expression was aimed at the smoldering Marlboro in her hand.

"Next week!" she promised. About the smoking, that is...


Monday, June 28, 2004

AssLee Simpleton
Posted by Hello

I love TVgasm's letter to Ashlee Simpson, Jessica Simpson's equally insipid, though less busty sister...

From The Please Go Away Files: Ashlee Simpson
Ashlee Simpson: We don't know where you came from, and we don't know why you have descended upon pop culture, but we humbly ask you to go away and never come back. Yes, you may be Jessica Simpson's younger sister, and yes, you may feel this entitles you to some sort of cultural sidekick role, but you and your manager father are sadly mistaken. We don't want you. Your music is stale and pedestrian, and your dreams of stardom are simply lame excuses for woolgathering at our expense. Yes, we know you're an "actress" too, but your showcase of talent on 7th Heaven leads me to believe you should be packed in a box and sent to Malta...

Creepiest. Fetish. Ever.

Beyond creepy. Posted by Hello

This is so weird. Apparently there is some odd fetish I was unaware of where men like to wear latex female masks...This website claims to be "Serving the mask community on the Internet since 1996". The "mask community"?!?! I just can't believe that there is a whole community of men into this phenomenon of "female masking". What a fucking freakshow. This is even creepier than that guy who dug the hole in his backyard...
(via Defamer)

Raunchy Republicans

Oh those Republicans and their "family values"!...

Sex pros get ready for party

With thousands of Republicans set to invade the city this summer, high-priced escorts and strippers are preparing for one grand old party. Agencies are flying in extra call girls from around the globe to meet the expected demand during the Aug. 30-Sept. 2 gathering at Madison Square Garden.

"We have girls from London, Seattle, California, all coming in for that week," said a madam at a Manhattan escort service. "It's the week everyone wants to work."


Friday, June 25, 2004

Not Just a Gigolo



How odd is this?
Legendary rocker David Lee Roth, the famed front man for the '80s megaband Van Halen, is apparently reinventing himself as an emergency medical technician.

The other night at the Four Seasons restaurant, the 48-year-old millionaire musician revealed to dinner companions that he has been living in a modest apartment on the lower East Side and showing up most days for EMT training...
...Roth, who said he has relocated to New York from his estate in Pasadena, Calif., specifically to train as an EMT, said he hopes to obtain his certification in November and work as a volunteer one weekend per month.

I mean, kudos to him for doing something productive in the twilight years of his rock career but can you imagine how weird it's going to be for some guy in the ambulance staring up at David Lee Roth giving him mouth to mouth?

In honor of Pride week...

This article is fucking hilarious...

ADVICE FOR RECENT ARRIVALS: Dos & Don'ts & More Don'ts for Gay Boy Refugees

So you made it out of that backwater town in one piece. Now comes the hard part--acclimating to a new place and living an openly gay life. Soon enough you will discover which bars cater to your distorted physical ideals, that meth is very bad, and that a deep tan is ugly and pre-cancerous--but what about the other stuff? Here's a cheat sheet to save you some time and trouble...
My fave's:
1. You are not a strong black woman. You never will be.

4. Rainbow flags, bumper stickers, and wind socks are no different than Green Bay Packers fans painting their faces green and gold: a complete embarrassment. Pride can be as ugly and warping as shame.

8. There is a difference between being effeminate and being a queen. Being effeminate is just that--being. Being a queen is an affectation. I can't throw a ball, but I don't call anyone "girl," even female children.

16. Beauty fades. Develop some inner resources, otherwise when it goes, those of us with less far to fall will laugh at you. To your aging face.

20. Make friends with at least one dyke, you silly faggot. When the shit goes down--for instance your mother dies--fags will drop you in an instant if you aren't fun. Dykes will come to your house with food.
(via Gawker)


Thursday, June 24, 2004

The Olsens, ghetto-style

Ghetto Olsens Posted by Hello

Real Olsens Posted by Hello

This site found this picture somewhere and I agree, it is "the most awesomely mind-boggling thing I've ever seen"...
(via NewYorkish)

Too Cruel

Oh Baja Fresh, how I miss you! Posted by Hello

When I saw this caption on New Yorkish, Welcome to New York City, Baja Fresh!, my heart started to do a little jig in my chest and my mouth started watering...Alas, it was all a cruel joke...there is no Baja Fresh here. Even though Steven Spielberg says there is.
Baja Fresh has arrived in New York? And Yoshinoya? And Panda Express, too? No, silly, those chains haven't descended on NYC with their cheap burritos, noodles and greasy General Tso's chicken, but if you've seen The Terminal you might think so. The mock JFK airport created by Steven Spielberg for his new movie features all three...

Subway Tragedy
This story is awful...

Woman crushed: She falls on tracks, can't climb back up

A woman desperately trying to claw her way to safety after falling onto subway tracks was killed by a Manhattan train yesterday as rush-hour commuters watched in helpless horror.

"She's gonna get crushed!" a woman on the Brooklyn Bridge-City Hall station platform screamed just moments before the victim was fatally struck and dragged by a southbound No. 4 train.

The tragedy unfolded so quickly that straphangers had no chance to help Joan Olaizola, 39, of Brooklyn, who fell onto the tracks after apparently fainting or losing her balance.

Olaizola stood up to find the train barreling down on her.

"She was trying to grab onto the platform and get up when it happened," David Dunn, 38, of Brooklyn, said. "She had one arm over the yellow strip when the train hit her."

I seriously think about how this could happen to me every day. When I transfer from the N train to the L on my way home from work, there is a part of the platform that is only about 3 feet wide and with people standing around and people going in the opposite direction, you sometimes only have like 6 inches...factor in high heels, slippery floors, weak ankles, and head-spinning humidity and it is a very real possiblity. Scary.


Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Lollapalooza: Good in theory

You can almost smell the porta-potties, can't you? Posted by Hello

I love this article on Black Table explaining why Lollapalooza was cancelled despite a great lineup...

Remember Lollapalooza? Remember how amped you were to go in high school, when nothing seemed cooler than an entire day outside with music blasting, your friends crushed up against you and burgers made of hemp?

The sunburned face and mudcaked ankles didn't matter. Losing your friends for a couple hours while you ventured over to the second stage was just another adventure. Getting shoved by beefy linebackers from across the river in Jersey was included with admission. And wearing wet clothes all afternoon? Whatever, man. We were rocking.

And I never want to do it again.
It's so true. It seems like a great idea, in theory...a lovely outdoors concert with your favorite bands! Modest Mouse! Flaming Lips! Wilco! But you just know that the reality would have been all about heatstroke, frat boys, food poisoning, overzealous security guards, bad-tripping NYU undergrads, and overflowing porta-potties...thanks, but no thanks.

What's Australian for "skank"?

The Cast Posted by Hello

The girls in their evening wear after a 17 hour flight to Australia and parachuting out of a plane into the outback. Posted by Hello

OMG, Outback Jack is sooo good. I highly recommend it for regular viewing. The plot involves 12 high-maintenance city girls thrown into the outback and made to compete for Outback Jack, a modern day Crocodile Dundee, only hotter. This article has a funny take on it...

The witless young AMWs were told only that this was a dating show, and they were going to the outback. There's a good chance some thought they were going to a steakhouse. Either way they're barely off the plane before they're into jammed into military vehicles and bouncing all over the place. That'll teach these spoiled Yank Sheilas a lesson!

It is just so amusing to watch the blowouts frizz, the manicures chip, and the make-up run as these girls wail about the lack of electric outlets and freak out about the bugs. Plus the one of the girls, who I assume was kept on during the elimination simply for her comic value, has horrible skin, gross fake boobs, and actually SANG the guy a little song she "composed" in a bid to get chosen. It's even better than you think. I literally could not tear myself away from the TV.

Olsen's fall from grace

Too sad. Posted by Hello

I wasn't going to comment on the whole Mary-Kate eating disorder thing, because it is just sad and i am feeling guilty for all my snarky celebrity-bashing. But this is ridiculous...
...noted that "getting healthy" was Mary-Kate's priority right now, so that she could go to school with nothing hanging over her in the fall. Both of the sisters are slated to start attending New York University as freshmen in September...

Um, september is only 2 months away. Yeah, I'm sure she will have NOTHING hanging over her head by then. Because eating disorders TOTALLY respond well to a quick fix. And college life doesn't encourage them AT ALL.


Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Hit me baby, one more time

You can just see the "fuck!" about to come out of her mouth... Posted by Hello
Ham it up much, Mr. Papparazzo? Posted by Hello

I have to say, I am starting to feel really bad for Britney. This girl is heading downhill fast. The tearful onstage breakdown, knee injury and tour cancellation, bad skin and weight gain...and now this...it seems that Britney and her mom and sis were on a pleasant little mission to buy a puppy at Petco when they were bombarded by paparazzi. In the madness that enused, her mom ran over a photographer's foot, the police and paramedics came and Britney freaked the fuck out. There is great documentation of these events in the Sun and on World of Britney...maybe this is karma for being such a fucking homewrecker? Who knows, I still feel bad for her.


Monday, June 21, 2004

The Most Depressing and Pathetic Thing Ever

"This is how I'll look when kissing my husband" FREAK!!! Posted by Hello

This is truly the Most Depressing and Pathetic Thing Ever.

It's Time For Me To Get Married & I Need Your Help!

Hello and welcome to my site! My name is Blaire - and with my 27th birthday just a few weeks away, I've decided to go about looking for my life partner a bit differently, a bit larger, and a bit more dramatically!

As I get older I feel my social circle has been getting smaller and smaller - and the prospects for my potential mate are not as great or abundant as in the past. I've been to single's events, done the club scene, and have been matched up and Internet searched....now, it's time for me to Mass Market! I don't want my search to be limited, nor do I want to wait forever - this is why I'm reaching out to you!...

...Like I said, I'm going to be 27 and I'm ready to get married. Actually, my goal is to be engaged by December 2004. Can you help make my goal come true?
(Via Lindsayism)

You want me to WHAT?

This story is crazy...
Boy Writes Apology in Blood for Dozing in Class
TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese teenager was forced by his teacher to write an apology in blood after dozing in the classroom, the school's principal said on Monday.
Poor kid, if I had to write a letter in blood every time I dozed off in class I would certainly be anemic now. But the most crazy part is...
He said the boy was back in school, and neither he nor his parents had asked to switch teachers. The teacher involved is expected to resume classes in a few days, Dan said.
Can you imagine how different things would have gone if this happened in the US?


Friday, June 18, 2004

This is how you remind me...of our last single

Nickelback singer in an earnest moment Posted by Hello

This website is pure genius...check it out with the sound up on your computer...

Nickelback, you lazy, talentless bunch of wankers. What, did you think nobody would notice that you're recycling your hideous dirge and selling it all over again to your deluded fan base? You bastards, you're taking advantage of those tone deaf MTV brainwashed twats who are too thick to notice you're releasing songs that are EXACTLY THE SAME as ones you recorded earlier. And here's the proof, people. Listen to their first godawful hit, played through the left speaker. At the same time, an equally shite single (released two years later) will be played through the right speaker. Can you spot the difference?
(via Black Table)

She's so lucky, she's a star!

Brit with her gross BF in the background. His shirt says "Get Fucked", in case you're wondering. Classy! Posted by Hello

This Page Six item is very odd...not because of the speculation that Brit and Kev-Kev are engaged, but because of what Brit's rep says about it...

June 18, 2004 -- BRITNEY Spears seems ready to walk down the aisle again.

The pop tart, who just had to call off her Onyx Hotel Tour due to a bad knee injury, moved her dancer boyfriend, Kevin Federline, lock, stock and trucker hat into her New York and Beverly Hills homes after her arthroscopic surgery early last week. Now the buzz is that Federline has popped the question and Spears is said to have accepted his offer.

"Kevin was with her throughout the whole surgery and by her side the whole time," Spears' rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnick, said. "She's pretty lucky to have him, but I don't know if she's engaged or not."

SHE'S PRETTY LUCKY TO HAVE HIM? WHAT? I mean I'm not saying that Britney is some prize or anything, but he is a trashy, unattractive dancer who left his preggo GF and baby! This "rep" must have a pretty low opinion of Britney...


Thursday, June 17, 2004

A Night to Remember...

Prom in Days of Yore (the 80's) Posted by Hello

Interesting 3 part article on Slate where this 27 year old guy goes to the prom with a 17 year old to explore the sexual objectification of youth...

Are there words to describe the dance floor, this heaving, unrelenting mass of nascent hormones? I really don't think so. It's hysterical. It's petrifying. I know it wouldn't be fair to ask Sarah to the prom and refuse to dance, which is what I would like to do more than anything, so I take her hand and we weave our way onto the floor. OutKast is being pumped through speakers the size of soda machines. The kids are pulling off a deft little maneuver: The molesters and molestees (aka the cool kids) are hidden from chaperones by an outer ring composed of their shyer, geekier peers. I can't tell if this is a prearranged agreement or mere Darwinian natural selection. It's strikingly effective, that much becomes clear, as Sarah and I push our way into the inner circle. There are many writhing bodies, pressed so closely together that I find I'm dancing with seven girls and nine boys without even moving. I catch a few kids sipping from flasks. Most, however, are dancing in a style you could call Rap Video Imitation Gone Wrong: the girls back into the boys, who proceed to lift up the girls' dresses in a way they apparently think is subtle, but in reality is anything but. Then they try, and fail, to move to the beat.


Wednesday, June 16, 2004

I'm so glad you guys got in my cab!I love you!...

+ = Scary, but a good story

Lindsayism.com has a scary but funny cab story involving a cab driver on Ecstacy...

As soon as we open the doors and I have one foot on terra firma, I say "Sir, are you on ecstasy?"

"Yes, yes I am!" he shouts, gleefully. "It is Friday night and everyone is out but I do not get to go out."

It's really quite amazing how willingly we put our lives in strangers' hands every day...

Definitely Surreal...

Cuchi-cuchi! Posted by Hello

Cut- It- Out! Posted by Hello

"Yeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhhh Boyyyy!!!!!!
 Posted by Hello

Woo hoo! The new season of The Surreal Life is coming soon and it's looking good!...

The lucky bunch this time around begins with Charo - the queen of "Love Boat" walk-ons and wiggle-offs and a woman who still has less than total command of the English language.

Joining her is Dave Coulier, best known as Uncle Joey on "Full House" and a man of a thousand voices and noises, many of them simultaneous.

Flava Flav of Public Enemy fame is in the house, too, and for those wondering whatever happened to Jordan Knight after he grew up and out of "New Kids on the Block," VH1 has him under lock and key for season three.

Finally, Brigitte Nielsen's towering "Red Sonja" presence will make itself felt, to be offset, no doubt, by "American Idol" fave Ryan Starr, who's billed as "22 and still the hottest woman to ever sing for Simon.


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