Friday, November 18, 2005

I think I'm going to be sick.

So Gawker has this feature where they document and narrate the douchebaggery that takes place on sites like Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, etc. Normally I read it, cringe, dry-heave, and move on...but this new horror that they have unearthed has really thrown me for a loop. Check it out and see Joey Arak's words of wisdom below for a breakdown. WTF, is all I can really say, WTF.

"...As these photo sites start to get a lot of mainstream media attention about how they’re documenting such an exciting and vibrant and risque nightlife scene, we have to ask, is it really so wild and crazy and awesome when it’s just the same 30 douchetwats playing grab-ass with each other 6 nights a week? Who is more played out? Us or them. Yup, you guessed it. Both. We all suck. More proof? Alright, well, over in Cobrasnake land, the motherfucker slapped his face on a turkey’s body and is selling it for 30 bucks. Need we really say more?"


Thursday, November 17, 2005

Real World: Battle of the Whores

On Craig's List today:

Want to Fuck a Reality Star - w4m - 22 Reply to: [redacted]@craigslist.org Date: 2005-11-16, 10:33PM PST
Former Reality Actress is looking for 30 guys for Porn. $100 pay - w4m

Beautiful reality actress from MTV Real World is doing her first independent porn. We are searching for 30 very good looking guys to be in video shoot. Must be very good looking, be in great shape, and have an extra large penis.

All guys that will be featured in the film will be in masks (think phantom of the opera eye masks), so strong jaw line, and pretty eyes are a must

Casting this Monday from 10pm-1am in Hollywood, shooting next weekend

So which one has gone from Playboy to porno first? You know it's got to be Trishelle or Tonya (above)...Do you think that "independent porn" means they're not required to do HIV/std testing?

(via Defamer)


Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Criminally Stupid

This story is seriously one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard! Basically this sicko calls a McDonalds and convinces the clearly retarded assistant manager that he is the police and that she needs to take this poor young female employee into the back office and strip search her and do all kind of degrading things to her for 3 hours. The assistant manager claims that she was sure it was the police talking to her and that she had to comply, but how come 2 other employees who were put on the phone were able to see that it was clearly NOT the police and yet she wasn't? What a fucking idiot...I hope this employee wins a HUGE settlement from McDonalds...


Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Poor Babies

This site is hilarious...child-hating contributors send in "reviews" of various infants they have encountered. This one is particularly good...

Little Miss B-O-R-I-N-G
Name: Madison White
Age: 4 weeks
Reviewer: Donald Corner

I once watched Madison’s father stumble out of a dive bar with a leathery old whore so he could sodomize her in the back seat of his Jetta. Back then, I thought I was witnessing the final, sordid aria of my friend's operatic downward spiral, but what I could never have predicted was that his true denouement would be less Icarus, more common animal dying in the woods.

To be blunt, spending a recent afternoon with Madison and her father, whom I used to call friend, was to watch a once vibrant (if flawed) man slowly decay and putrefy before my very eyes. Honestly, how he could be so enamored by this child’s tired, clichéd charms simply boggles the sophisticated mind!...
(via Best Week Ever Blog)

Sympathy for the Devil?

This story of sleazy Girls Gone Wild mogul Joe Francis' alleged sexual torture and blackmail at the hands of a shady hollywood hustler is CRAZY. Here's an excerpt but you should really read the whole thing- it is riveting stuff, I tell you...

"The videotape on the screen in front of me is stark, grainy. The color is garish, almost fluorescent, possibly from too many generations of loosely authorized copying. A shirtless male figure lies face down on a mattress, his head resting on a pillow. His eyes flutter at half-mast. His mouth is puddled in a stuporous grin, and he looks very, very high. The camera pans to reveal his pants dragged down around his knees and a pink vibrator resting on the crest of his buttocks, lazily gyrating with an irritating whine. The mood is hardly erotic. The man on the screen looks like a hostage in one of those videos streaming out of war-ravaged Iraq: disheveled, sleep-deprived, disoriented, and, just maybe, fearing something on the order of an on-camera beheading. “My name is Joe Francis,” he says repeatedly in a damaged monotone, slurring his words in a continuous stream. “I’m from Boys Gone Wild, and I like it up the ass.”

The copy of this tape currently in the possession of the LAPD is the unlikely centerpiece of a trial that is set to begin next year — one that pits Francis, the 32-year-old multi-millionaire kingpin of the Girls Gone Wild video empire, against a small-time hustler who allegedly video-taped Francis in humiliating positions while holding him at gunpoint and later tried to blackmail his victim by threatening to release the tape. While the case has received scant attention, that is certain to change when the identity of the victim becomes more widely known. Francis, after all, has built a business worth an estimated $100 million out of selling tapes of rowdy, unclothed, and often barely legal young women engaging in “Raw! Real! Uncut!” softcore action in college and spring break towns across America.

The irony is self-evident. But exactly how Francis came to confess on-camera to sexual proclivities so heretical to his show-us-your-tits philosophy is a circuitous tale involving a world of hustlers, heiresses, boxers, Russian bail bondsmen, and blind pop stars..."
(via Defamer)


Friday, November 04, 2005

“Bitch, stop talking to me! I’m nice!”

So...apparently Ashlee Simpson staggered into a McDonalds in Toronto and had some sort of altercation with the staff which was caught on videotape...You can check it out here and here.

Defamer helpfully provides a play-by-play:

· After several loud complaints from Simpson about the service, an irritated employee says, “I need a manager up front, please!” Ashlee then begins to climb over the sacred service counter (have you ever?), shouting, “Please get the manager, I would love to talk to the manager!”

· When the employee tells her to get down, Simpson says, “Bitch, stop talking to me! I’m nice!”

· Ashlee then engages employee in an ‘I know you are but what am I’-style debate about whether or not the M.I.A. manager will “be nice” to her. So certain is she of said manager’s impending kindness, she offers to bet employee “5 million dollars that he will be nice” to her. Employee, working at a Canadian McDonald’s and not having a #1 record at the moment, passes.

· “No. I will not take a picture with you,” Simpson slurs to a fan. “You would not kiss my foot. So fuck you!”


Thursday, November 03, 2005

...And now for another TITC update

The plot outline of Trapped in the Closet chapters 9-12 has been revealed!:
A little person who's packing, two interracial romances, more gunplay and yet another plot twist close out Chapters 9-12 of R. Kelly's "Trapped in the Closet" saga.

You read here a couple of weeks back that Chapter 8 ends with police officer James' wife hiding her lover in the house (see "The Latest From R. Kelly's 'Closet': Shots Fired — And A Spatula ..."). Could it be that, in the mother of all ironies, he too would conceal himself in the closet? Not quite.

Bridget, who we find out is Caucasian in the video for Chapter 8, has another man in the house, all right — but he's not in the closet. In Chapter 9, we learn that Bridget's other man is actually small enough to find a better hiding place: He's in a cabinet under the sink.

James is shocked, Bridget is upset and her lover — who we later find out is nicknamed "Big Man" because he is well endowed — is so deathly afraid he starts to pass gas. Faced with the fact that his wife is guilty of adultery — just as he is — James goes ballistic and pulls out his gun.

Chapters 10 and 11 get even funnier and crazier. Sylvester and his brother-in-law Twan wind up at James' house and get into another armed face-off with the cop — joined by shotgun-toting Bridget. And Big Man is just trying to get out alive. This time we learn Bridget's second secret — she's scandalous! — and Big Man's profession (You'll never believe it. Let's just say he can't be shy to do his job).

Chapter 12 closes out back where Chapter 1 started; in the home of Pastor Rufus and his wife, Kathy. Kelly picks up right where he left off: Sylvester has just left the house and husband, wife and gay lover are all quarrelling. Rufus' boyfriend, the former transvestite Chuck, is so tired of Kathy he pulls out a knife and threatens to cut her. And that's just the start of Kathy's problems. In yet another story twist, she gets a phone call and learns that a one-night stand isn't her only connection to Sylvester.
Also, check out this article which solicits a variety of opinions on the burning question: Trapped in the Closet- the epic of our time? The answer...a resounding YES!

Who's your Daddy?

In case you haven't heard K. Fed's new song yet you can hear it here and here...

But the lyrics are the best part:

I should be saying keep my damn name outcha mouth but y'all people keep increasing my change amount
So, go ahead and say whatcha wanna, I'm gonna sell bout two mill, fool, then I'm a-gonna
I know you wish you was in my position cuz I keep getting into situations that you wish you wuz in, cousin
I'm not your brother, not your uncle, I'm daddy, dude
Steppin' in this game and y'all ain't got a clue
My prediction is that y'all gonna hate on the style we create, straight 2008
But I know that you really can't wait because people are always askin' me -- when's the release date?
Well maybe baby you can wait and see
Until then, all these Pavarottis following me
Gettin' anxious, go take a peek, I'm starring in your magazine now every day of the week
Back, then, they call me K-Fed, but you can call me Daddy instead...


Tuesday, November 01, 2005

"The Gwenihana Four"

What you Waiting For
I can't wait to go
Back into Japan
Get me lots of brand new fans
Osaka, Tokyo
You Harajuku girls
Damn, you've got some wicked style...

Rich Girl
I'd get me four Harajuku girls to
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me

Harajuku Girls
Harajuku Girls you got the wicked style
I like the way that you are, I am your biggest fan
Harajuku Girls you got the wicked style
I like the way that you are, I am your biggest fan

So I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one who is disturbed by Gwen Stefani's blatant Harajuku pandering/imprisonment. This site I stumbled on is hilarious...Free the Gwenihana Four: A blog in support of the four "harajuku girls" serving an unspecified term in the custody of Gwen Stefani.

Though my original intention was to post Margaret Cho's comments on the phenomenon, which are also quite interesting...
"I like Gwen Stefani, she's alright. She is very stylish and has a nice voice and a really flat stomach. She is a rock star, and quite good at it. I am always impressed by her platinum hair and her incredibly organized steamer trunks...

Now she has 4 things all together, the Harajuku Girls. I want to like them, and I want to think they are great, but I am not sure if I can. I mean, racial stereotypes are really cute sometimes, and I don't want to bum everyone out by pointing out the minstrel show. I think it is totally acceptable to enjoy the Harajuku girls, because there are not that many other Asian people out there in the media really, so we have to take whatever we can get. Amos 'n Andy had lots of fans, didn't they? At least it is a measure of visibility, which is much better than invisibility. I am so sick of not existing, that I would settle for following any white person around with an umbrella just so I could say I was there."
(via Best Week Ever Blog)

I'm your Sexosaurus

The Go Fug Yourself Ladies take on R. Kelly. Hilarity ensues. A sampling:
"I assume the finger guns are there because he couldn't whip out his Beretta, as is his wont, and wave it around haphazardly while urging us all to handle things 'Christian-like.'"
...And speaking of hilarity and all things R. Kelly...Heather and I luckily thought to tivo R's performance on Jimmy Kimmel last friday and thank GOD we did because it was quite something. First of all, Jimmy is totally on the same page with us and our Trapped in the Closet obsession and for that we love him (Jimmy, you complete us). Secondly, R informed us that he is currently working on chapter 22 (!) of of TITC and that the saga will go on "forever" (!!!). And last but not least, R gave a performance that was notable for many things, but most importantly, an a cappella interlude that featured the lyrics:

"I'll make you wetter than a tropical rainforest
It's like Jurassic Park but I'm your Sexosaurus."
Oh yes he did.


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