Friday, May 28, 2004

Only in LA, Part II
Last night when Stacey and I walked into the Burgandy Room, Kelly Osbourne and her posse of friends were standing around outside. When I left, Kelly was still out there by herself, having her hair cut by some random guy on the sidewalk. She was wearing a smock and everything. It was bizarre. WTF?

No, no drug problem whatsoever!

From popbitch:

Poor Courtney Love. She wants to tour the States this summer but the judge in her drug trial is telling her to go to rehab. Courtney recently gatecrashed a party in New York's Soho House and just wandered around telling random strangers that she'd just been ripped off by a real estate agent. She was found later by staff in the elevator, lying in the foetal position, muttering to herself. That judge might just have a point.

Only in LA
Here's an "only in LA" story for you...So I'm at the DMV getting my license renewed. At the window next to mine is a pre-op transexual applying to get his/her gender changed on his/her license. I imagine that in any other city, this would involve some sort of ordeal. At the very least it would provoke some strange looks. But at the LA DMV it is Business As Usual...The jaded, seen-it-all, DMV worker simply handed him/her a form and was like "ok, it's form 51, change of gender. Fill it out and take it to window 12." And that is why I heart LA. Even though nobody walks here. Ever.


Monday, May 24, 2004

Good Deed of the Day
The email this came in asked me to "pass this on to 10 friends". Hopefully that many people read this. (Probably not, but hey, I tried)

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman .

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.


Nobody Walks in LA
Hey people, greetings from the land of Coffee Bean, In N'Out, and Baja Fresh! From that you can probably guess what my LA itinerary looks like. And all this eating may not leave alot of time for blogging. So forgive me if the Daily Roundup lacks some of it's procrastinatory glory this week. It will be back up to snuff next week, I assure you...


Friday, May 21, 2004

He's a slippery one
WTF?...What was this guy trying to do? Someone please explain this to me...

Man Arrested After Motel Room Is Coated In Vaseline

A man is accused of applying Vaseline petroleum jelly to every surface in his room at a Motel Six near Binghamton, New York.

After Roger Chamberlain checked out last week, the cleaning crew discovered mattresses and bedding were slathered with the slippery stuff. Vaseline covered the TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels -- and everything else in the room...

Hassle the Hoff
Is this a joke? Incredibly, no.

Hasselhoff Has Rapping Down To An Ice-T

Rap legend Ice-T is risking his massive reputation on his latest recruit - middle-aged former beach bum David Hasselhoff.The original gangsta believes he can turn the ex-Baywatch star into hip hop's next big thing.Ice and Hasselhoff, 51, are neighbours in Los Angeles and have struck up a close friendship.

The rapper - real name Tracey Morrow - told The Sun: "The man is a legend, we are going to show a whole new side of him.

"He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff.

"The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."

So very wrong
There is something so very wrong about this. I think that MJ's parents should be held accountable for whatever they did that made him turn out like this.

Michael Jackson has admitted sharing his bed with Macaulay and Kieran Culkin. But he forgot to mention that his interest in the Culkins extended to their younger brother Rory. The boys' father and former manager, Kit Culkin, says he once walked into a room to find "Michael, sitting on the floor in the corner with my 2-year-old son Rory. Both of them [were] sucking on baby bottles."


Thursday, May 20, 2004

Stop the fucking presses
Celebrity sighting! I was just walking out of my office building to get some lunch when I saw Kate Hudson on the corner of 57th and Broadway. She was in the backseat of a big black Escalade with the windows down, guzzling bottled water. Must be working cause there was no baby fat in sight...We made eye contact but she turned away when she realized she had been recognized by one of the common people.

Not Lovin' It
McDonald's is pissed about this ad spoof featuring the classic line "Cheaper than 2 hits of Crack!" I think they deserve it after that ridiculous "I am Asian" campaign.
(Via New Yorkish)

"I was so ready for this jelly"
Very important review of Troy...spoiler: No Brad Booty!

...Anyway, here is the rundown on the important parts of Troy:

He looks great and you see his butt a lot in profile, which is definitely superhot. But no full-on butt shot. Also you basically see his pubes— or what would be pubic hair, except that he is obviously totally shorn. It looks good. At first I was disappointed by the lack of full frontal nudity, but Emily points out that since we have all already seen BP’s penis, and since it is not that impressive, it is no big loss that it was left out. Still, that is no excuse for no butt crack shot. I was so ready for this jelly. What happened?...

I enjoy being a girl
So a class action lawsuit against a bunch of different high end cosmetics companies was filed, alleging that they conspired to artificially inflate prices. Now they have settled and the companies are giving away $175 million in free cosmetics to anyone in the US who has bought these products in the last 10 years. Not sure how they plan to make you prove this, but as of now you just go to this website, give them your email address and they are supposed to contact you when the free stuff is available...Wheeee! Free makeup!


Tuesday, May 18, 2004

Poor Baby Jessica

Stuff magazine owes her an apology.
'Baby Jessica' doesn't Stuff

It's hardly as bad as that horrible October in 1987 when 18-month-old Jessica McClure fell down a well in Texas. But her parents are still furious that some people think that "Baby Jessica," who's now 18 years old, has turned into a pin-up model for Stuff.

In their May issue, the mischievous editors at the lad mag did a spoof of People's "Where are they now?" feature by depicting "Baby Jessica" as a scantily clad knockout. The magazine avoided a potential libel problem by identifying its busty, red-haired model as "Jessica McClain."

But the real Jessica's mom, Cissy McClure, says her daughter didn't appreciate being morphed into a bimbo.

"She was just so hurt," Cissy tells us. "We're all just really upset."

Stuff deputy editor Dan Bova, who got an angry call from Cissy, says the magazine meant no offense.

"I think it was obvious that it was a parody," he says.
For the record, I saw this and I didn't think it was a parody. In fact, my thoughts were some thing along the lines of "Oh how sad that Baby Jessica is now a media whoring skank". If I were her, I'd be pissed too.


Monday, May 17, 2004

We don't need no sex education

This is just so sad.

Childless couple told to try sex

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

Documentation of a friendly Taco Bell eating competition...ahh, this brings back fond memories of similar contests we would have back in high school- when we were young, fast-metabolizing, little things...As I recall, at 4 tacos I would start feeling full but wouldn't fade. At 5, I began to be uncomfortably full. By the time I finished my Taco Bell 6-Pack, death by gastric explosion felt imminent. These competitors are thinking far bigger than I was...

We agreed between the two of us to kick things off with a Gordita, and move into the 10 taco (hard and soft alternate) spread. If necessary, we would buy more. Now I knew going into this that if I wanted to get near him, I was going to have to eat at least 15, because that was his proven record, and he clearly wasn't going to back down. So I was certain we would have to purchase more.

Apple Martini...with a pacifier please
I can not believe that Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their new baby Apple. APPLE?!?! Even worse- the baby's name is now APPLE MARTIN. That is one vowel away from being a trendy cocktail. What were they thinking? The Post has some theories....

One thing the couple would not talk about yesterday was just how they picked the name Apple or what it meant to them. But three theories were circulating last night.

The first is that it's Gwyneth's salute to the Big Apple, where the waifish blonde was born and raised and still owns a townhouse in the West Village.

Then, it could be a tribute to "Clocks," the Grammy-winning song by Martin's band, Coldplay, which includes the line, "shoot an apple off my head."

The third, somewhat wacky possibility is that the baby was named after Gwyneth and Chris' passion for Apple computers, which they own and swear by.

O.C. Grossy
Mischa Barton needs to seriously get over herself. She is way overexposed and if she doesn't watch it, she will soon be C-List central. If I hear about her drinking and smoking or dry-humping at Coachella ONE MORE TIME...I am sick of her and I don't even watch The O.C.! Check out this sad little tidbit from the Post. So telling...

May 16, 2004 -- Mischa Barton was in a tizzy Tuesday night when she arrived at Chelsea's Marquee nightclub with boyfriend Brandon Davis, heir to a Hollywood oil fortune. "Are there paparazzi out there?" she asked, poking a very worried face out of a friend's Bentley. "Are there? Are there?"

"Do you see any paparazzi out here?" came the doorman's reply. There were none.

Miss Barton's concerns might have been a tad presumptuous. No one seemed to recognize the sultry "O.C." star.

"Mischa Barton? Who is that?" asked a non-TV watcher at the club. "I just said hi to Brandon, but who's Mischa?"

Nevertheless, the starlet hid her face and physically attached herself to Davis as they were escorted through the packed club to the private VIP room.

But this diva-in-training episode was a rerun. At a recent private party, she snapped when two girls asked who she was, Barton hissed, "You just hate me because I'm famous!" Maybe.


Saturday, May 15, 2004

Hot, Mean Girls
Ooh...good article about Mean Girls from a gay man's perspective- Teen Queen: How I went from emulating Molly Ringwald to lusting after Lindsey Lohan- even the GAY men are lusting after the Luscious Miss Lohan. I need to get me some of those implants, pronto!

...by the time Clueless rolled, I was out of the closet as a fan of teen girl movies. I loved watching these smart, sassy heroines overcome peer pressure and social obstacles to reach self-realization and get the hottie. From Bring it On to Ten Things I Hate About You to Legally Blonde to Freaky Friday (the new version), if there was a plucky teenage girl heroine, Hollywood could count on me plunking down good money to sit in the theater and cheer her on. I could identify. My inner sixteen-year-old girl was achingly lonely and needed some encouragement. She was still waiting for someone to take off her glasses, give her a makeover and turn her from bookworm to prom queen...

...But watching Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls gave me a strange new erotic charge. I've been living as an out gay man for nearly fifteen years, and although I have, on occasion, had momentary indiscretions with the fairer sex, I generally know where my predilections lie. But in some ways being gay is like being trapped in ninth grade for the rest of your life. By and large, being in the company of adult gay men is like being in a teen girl movie, complete with ogling dreamy guys and worrying about outfits...


Friday, May 14, 2004

And the Trainwreck continues...
Wow. The reports from Courtney's arraignment are quite something. That poor woman needs to get ahold of herself. Where were her handlers during all this?

Most of the grunge goddesses' unstrung pearls of wisdom were scattered about as she squatted comfortably on the grimy floor of the second-floor ladies' room. In no particular order, they include:

* "Mrs. Consuela was the pet name for his genitals." It was unclear whose.

* "Let me say something rude - I'm really rich!"

* "They're having sex with girls from my Web site - little girls, 15, 16, 17, 18." It was unclear who "they" are.

* "Check this out! I have to watch video of [two people] having sex in my bed, and he puts my jewelry on her."

* "I think God f- - -ed me for committing too many adulteries."

* "I need a cigarette or I'll die!"

* "No! No! I don't do drugs. I was a junkie - I can't medicate myself - you gotta really watch it."


Thursday, May 13, 2004

Oh, Courtney.
You've got to love Whatevs description of a sad-lookin' Courtney...right on the money...check out the pics. Oh dear. No good can come of this. Poor lil' Frances Bean.

sweet Jebus on a popsicle stick, hide your kids and cover their eyes! Courtney Love is back in New York to face assault charges and looks worse than you could ever fathom ... the only thing that your Uncle Grambo can POSSIBLY think to describe her look is the following...

Imagine with me, if you will, that Joan Rivers is a snake (think a big, old, wrinkled version of Coily). Now imagine with me that an evil spirit from a netherworld inhabited some dead skin that Joan shed twenty-five years or so ago and decided to get on a plane to fly to LaGuardia. But before stopping off at the local courthouse, this spirit was date raped by Michael Caine and, in the aftermath, decided it would be a GREAT idea to visit Jocelyn Wildenstein's make-up artist for a quick rouge bath. And that's pretty much that.

Courtney Hole. so sad. how she got from left to right is anyone's guess, but you can bet yo ass it has more than a little to do with Oxy.

"Amish in the City"
I will seriously be crushed if this doesn't happen.
UPN has been quiet for months about whether it would greenlight the unscripted series, which would bring together five Amish teenagers and five non-Amish youth in a type of "Real World" house. It's built around the rite of rumspringa, which gives the Amish youth a greater sense of freedom than their religion has permitted them until that point. This period--about a year around age 18--gives Amish youth the chance to decide whether they would continue living in the Amish way as adults.

The Ugly Truth
This is truly great. Esquire has created something called Brutally Honest Personals. And it's as good as it sounds...
The singles below are real people with real issues. Some are overweight. Others are crippled by debt. Quite a few live with their parents. But they all have one thing in common: They are available. And they've put themselves out there with the hope of finding someone willing to accept them at face value. So, please, scan their profiles. You may not get exactly what you want, but at least you know exactly what you're getting.
A sampling:
Leah J
Age: 26
Height: 5'11"
Weight: Melting away
Occupation: Ice-cream-store manager
Location: Chicago
Last time had a boyfriend: Sophomore year of high school
Sexual habits: I will gladly accept oral, but chances are high that I'll get bored and roll over and try to fall asleep.

I'm wasting my chemistry degree at an ice-cream parlor in Chicago. For the last three or four years, I've been huffing and puffing up the stairs in an out-of-shape, overweight, size-22 body, though I recently lost more than fifty pounds. Dating me will be a gamble in the physical department: Will she gain? Won't she gain? It will also be a gamble in the bedroom: Will she go down? Won't she go down? I do a bit of stand-up comedy, so most of our relationship will end up in a joke—quite literally—onstage. I have a cat that sheds on everything and hates most men.
(Via New Yorkish)

If you leave, don't leave now...
Black Table has a fun little prom night nostalgia/lamentation article today...
Prom: It was a night of teenage majesty with shiny tuxedo shoes, ugly-ass fluffy dresses, and (hopefully) a hidden flask full of Popov's Vodka and Tahitian Treat to take the edge off -- how else could you muster up the confidence to seductively grind your date during " I Wanna Sex U Up"?
For me the phrase "the prom" doesn't so much conjur up memories of the actual event, but of the post-prom party that followed. As I recall, our posse was so disenchanted with the idea of actually being at the thing that we pretty much left immediately after we took the group photo (do I even still have that somewhere? Must check...) to begin a night of heavy drinking at the home of the friend with the most lenient parents. My dates that night were 2 bottles of Boone's Strawberry Hill. Yes, thats TWO bottles. And, yes, I did get sick. Ahh...the memories!...

Also, most of you have probably seen this Ghetto Prom website before but I thought I'd post it just in case. Good stuff.

Summertime and the living's easy
Hey New Yorkers- the schedule for the Bryant Park Summer Film Festival is up. Check it out...it's time to break out the Neat Sheet, cheap wine, and McDonald's cheeseburgers. As some of you may remember, the last time a cheeseburger saved Dave's life!...


Wednesday, May 12, 2004

"I am Asian"
Thanks to New Yorkish for pointing out McDonald's new, ridiculous online campaign "I am Asian". Check out the stupidity.
We're Asian and Pacific Islander Americans "living on the rim," where our diverse cultures and the everyday American lifestyle become one. We're hanging on to our great traditions while we move to the beat of the times. We honor our heritage – but we love being Americans. From high fashion to high tech, from Asian Pacific American hip hop to haute cuisine, we're weaving the threads of our culture into the fabric of everyday American life. Whether we're sipping green tea or enjoying a Big Mac® sandwich, we're helping make the magic mix called America become even richer. And McDonald's is right there with us, everyday!

How pathetic is this? Burger King comes up with the brilliant Subservient Chicken for their online campaign and this is the best Mickey D's can do?

I need it now, that's why it's called an "Emergency"
Nice rant about the FDA's latest "objective public health decision"...
Fact: I've been with the same guy for a pretty long time now. We're both adults, by all legal and social standards. We both live in New York, although we don't (yet) live together. We don't fuck other people. He makes me want to get married and have babies eventually, and all that other queer stuff. It is the least offensive sexual relationship possible. Your grandmother wishes you could have that kind of sex.

Until recently, I was on the birth-control patch. Then my migraines started getting worse. So I went off it. My boyfriend and I had been using condoms for a while when, motherfucker, one broke. At exactly the wrong time of the month. On a fucking Friday evening. Friday evening is when all the gynecologists meet up, go to Six Flags and don’t answer their pagers. I wasn't able to get in touch with my gynecologist’s office until Saturday afternoon, when they phoned in a prescription for the aptly named “Plan B” to my pharmacy. But no one bothered to tell me that my pharmacy didn't have it in stock.

"Come back Monday!” they told me. I did come back Monday — sixty-two hours into the seventy-two-hour window you have to take emergency contraception.

“Wild weekend?” my consistently inappropriate pharmacist asked...

Note that the 72 hour window for taking emergency contraception is even a bit misleading in that it is far more effective the sooner you take it, making the issue of access even more important.

Also note that "Pigbitch" of a pharmacist (as the author calls her). And this kind of judgemental, unprofessional attitude is far too common. Luckily, New York does not have conscious-clause legislation (yet) which would allow the Pigbitch to refuse to fill the prescription altogether (read this article on Salon for more about this)

Dude, Where's My Date?
This is very odd. Could this be why Ashton is so into Kabbalah now- assuaging his guilty conscience with trendy spirituality?
May 12, 2004 -- A MURDERED woman's devastated parents are accusing Ashton Kutcher of hindering the investigation into the death of their 22-year-old daughter, who was Kutcher's date at the 2001 Grammy parties.

The drama unfolded when the "That '70s Show" heartthrob arrived at Ashley Ellerin's Hollywood bungalow to take her to that year's glitzy Grammy bashes. Kutcher had already been on a handful of dates with the pretty fashion student.

But when he rang the bell, Ellerin didn't answer. Kutcher walked around the house, peered through the large French windows and noticed dark stains on the floor which, he later told police, he thought came from red wine. He then returned to his car and left for the parties solo.

But Ellerin's roommate came home the next morning to find her brutally stabbed to death. The "wine stains" were in fact blood. Her lifeless body had been in the bungalow for more than 12 hours.

Now her parents, Michael and Cynthia Ellerin, tell In Touch magazine that they still blame Kutcher for not going to police after seeing the suspicious floor stains...

Poor Kitty!

Cat survives cross-country move in drawer
Last week, when a mover was taking the last piece of furniture off the truck, he opened a dresser drawer to get a grip on it. And there was Lilly. The couple says Lilly was a little stunned, but after some tender loving care, she came around. Before long, she was running around and purring.


Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Eat, Mary-Kate, Eat!
Oooh...looks like the buzz about Mary-Kate being anorexic may be true. Just take a look at this picture on Daily Refill- ick, ribs sticking out of your back are NOT healthy!...and while you're at it check out the accompanying letter- funny stuff!
i can only hope that when you come to NYC this september you fall in with the right crowd, maybe a crowd that stays up late doing drugs that give them the munchies. and a crowd that drinks a lot of high carb beverages.
but in the meantime please think about the eating thing. i'm sure there are some young girls out there who used to look up to britney spears and are seeking out new role models. let them know that it's okay if their ribs don't stick out of their emaciated back...and eat something!
bon appetit!

Steroids are Bad
This is crazy! Check out this pic of Jennifer Capriati's out of control new bodybuilder look. Can this be real?

What Not To Wear
Check out this article in the NY Post (via Gawker) about what to wear on a first date. Most of it is common sense kind of stuff but there are some interesting things in there:
#2 Prove you've got good jeans. Don't be afraid of denim, especially on casual dates. "Jeans reveal a lot about the woman, based on her choice- brand, cut, wash - and what she wears them with," says Leventhal.
Are we supposed to believe that GUYS are checking to see what BRAND of jeans we are wearing? I'm sorry, but I find it hard to believe that a straight guy is going to notice whether I have on Seven jeans or a designer imposter...
"And you can't hide anything in jeans, so a woman who wears great jeans is showing a guy she has nothing to hide."
Since when can you not hide anything in jeans? Please, I hide things everyday!
#3 Skirt the issue. "A skirt says there's been too much effort," says Leventhal, "and black pants say, 'I want to get engaged as soon as possible.'"
Hee! I think this is kind of true and definitely funny!

So the internet is all abuzz with debate over the status of Lindsey Lohan's tits- are they real? are they fake? But my favorite is fleshbot who offers up some sage advice:
Lindsay, honey, we think you're adorable and sexy and all, but please - watch your outfits in public and try not to give it all away so soon. You don't want to be an overexposed hag like Paris Hilton by the time you turn 21, do you?

And my personal favorite...
(Comments regarding areola color and potential Photoshop trickery are welcome.)


Monday, May 10, 2004

A Hole Lot of Crazy
Some people have websites dedicated to gossip. Other people have websites dedicated to summarizing trashy television shows. This guy has a website dedicated to a giant hole he has dug in his backyard (via Black Table). This is so fucking creepy. It reminds me of the hole in the ground that the rapist dug in the book The Lovely Bones to trap his 12 year old neighbor. Gross.
About 2 years ago I decided to dig a hole in my back yard. Why? Why not.Its good exercise and I could get a tan too. Plus holes are cool.
Here is a movie from inside the hole. I'm trying to convince my pregnant wife to come check things out. Get in here fatty!
Note: He refers to her as his "big fat pregnant wife" throughout...nice, real nice.
Here I am in my fashionable tabasco print boxers, soaking up the sun and working on the window. I have a screwy deformed rib cage so I squat instead of sitting usually.
I don't even know what to say about that.
So many of you might ask. WTF do you do with such a beautiful hole? As mentioned above, it IS a great place to escape, and take naps, and shoot animals from.
Yeah, sure. That wife better be careful. Any day now the K-9 unit will find the elbow of a missing pre-teen in the woods near that hole.

Damn Hipsters
This article about Williamsburg hipsters (via Gawker), "20-Something Trio Sings the Praises of Loft Life", is the most annoying thing I have ever seen. For some reason this part particularly irks me:

At Bush Gardens, the three have had rooms built along one wall, for about $2,500. Construction was a bonding period: they slept curled up together on two futons, rolling their bedding and clothes up each morning before work in garbage bags, in a not altogether successful effort to deflect the plaster dust. They jumped rope at night, and sang songs.

Jumped rope and sang songs? Oh we are such happy, youthful, carefree little hipsters! Living in squalor is such fun!


Friday, May 07, 2004

Office Slut
From the same mind that brought us How To Work Less and Gain More Respect, here is another gem...How To Survive The Aftermath Of A One Night Stand With A Random Co-Worker...

MAKE UP A NEW STORY - The only reason people will be talking about you and your sloppy affair is because that was the most exciting part of the evening. BUT, if there was a new exciting part of the evening that people weren't aware of - then that just might get you off the hook.

Remember how I had you think of the one co-worker you hate? Here's where they come into play. Get creative. Come up with a story about them that beats your embarrassing make-out session. How about you caught them shooting up heroin with the bus boy behind the ice sculpture? That usually works for me. Good. Great. Now email it around.

DENY DENY DENY/ACCEPT ACCEPT ACCEPT - While that new story makes its way through the internet, you now have a few moments to decide whether or not you will accept this event, or deny it. In order to make this decision, one must accurately judge the other person involved. Who are they? Are they hot? Are they upper management? Are they a meaningless temp? Below you? Above you?

If they're uber cute and people will envy you for this, then you might as well own up. You seduced them. You're charming like that. Just another day in the life of you -- super cool worker of the year....

I heart blogger
After driving myself (and Adam and Brian) crazy all day trying to fix a problem with my site and ultimately causing more damage than good, I emailed Blogger's tech support with little hope of actually getting help. I mean, who has ever ACTUALLY gotten a problem fixed via emailing tech support? But lo and behold, 1 hour later I was pleasantly surprised to find a reply to my cry for help- and a really nice one at that! Check it out! Ahhh... my faith in humanity is restored.

The problem was actually with the location of your a name tags.
They were put between the blog title tags but should actually have been
before it. I corrected this and republished your entire site. It is
now working properly.


Original Message Follows:
From: "Rebecca"
Subject: permalinks
Date: Fri, 7 May 2004 10:57:03 -0700

Help! I can not get my permalinks to work correctly! When you click on
them it just takes you to the main page. I went through the support
section and tried everything and I just dont understand how to make them
work. Please help.

No, really. This is for real. It happens on May 15. And I have to say, I think I am more comfortable with this than I am with the sicko cuddle parties.

Some important information:

- The area will be covered in clean cloth.
- The floor will be padded.
- Extension cords are available.
- Lube and condoms are donated by SafeSexCity.com.
- There will be no drugs or alcohol tolerated or allowed.
- The space will be monitored to keep people from touching others without permission.
- This is an adults only event; you must be 18 or older to participate.

Prizes will be awarded for:
- Longest time masturbating (we will allow five minutes per hour for water, food, and bathroom breaks; remember that the current record is over six hours, so if you are aiming for this prize, we suggest registering at 5 p.m. as a Seeded Wanker)

- Largest group wank (this refers to groups who register together and stay in their group; each member will receive a prize)

- Most money raised (download your pledge sheet and begin collecting pledges now!)

- Most orgasms (if you would like to attempt this record and would like an Orgasm Recorder to count and validate your orgasms, please let us know, or bring your own volunteer)

You have to see this "mermaid baby" to believe it. It's actually quite sad, as it probably won't live very long, but still fascinating.(Via TOTC)


Thursday, May 06, 2004

Hangover Helper
Black Table has posted a handy-dandy hangover cure guide...check it out and make sure you make it to the end- much like Vanessa Williams, they have Saved the Best for Last...

Like a rum and coke, tomorrow's hangover is a two-part poison. Science says that drunken benders directly cause toxicity and dehydration, which collaborate to make you call in sick. According to Internet renowned gastroenterologist, Dr. Anil Minocha, a hangover can involve several irritable symptoms. Headaches, nausea, shakes, and waking up in New Jersey all come to mind, but according to experts these after effects can be avoided.

Turning Japanese
Thanks to popbitch for sharing the link to this encyclopedia of freaky japanese sex fetishes...

Japanese people are stereotyped as being uncreative and lacking in originality. The most common image of a japanese man is a 'salariman' in a grey suit riding on a 'bullet train' full of identically dressed men. But in fact, when he gets home at night, the porn comes out, and he's going to be much more creative and 'unique' than you or I. He's wearing an Airline Stewardess uniform and boxing gloves, watching a DVD of broccoli being put up someone's butt. Let's face it, Japanese porn consumers are so utterly perverted that the industry can't invent new kinks fast enough.

Incidentally, the main site that houses this is quite amusing in it's own right- I like that it is called Home Despot, because that is what I like to call the home goods/DIY behemoth...

No Judgement, Please
A kind of funny, kind of dumb article on the end of Friends...here is the funny bit- don't judge me for reading the rest...

Not only was I sucked in by a funny show about people in a truly unrealistic New York setting, I was contributing to the "water cooler" chatter at school and work after each episode. How could I let myself get this way? What would become of me?

I don't know about you, but I had a reputation to uphold. I couldn't be caught singing that damn jingle around town. I couldn't fall prey to the "How you doin'?" craze that Joey started. I wasn't about to cut my hair like Rachel! Alas, I found myself hiding from the fact that "Friends" was my addiction and not just a funny show on Thursday nights anymore.

Blogging is so 2003
First I find out that our intern's parents are avid bloggers. Then this morning the trendwatchers at Fox 5's Good Day New York did a piece on the hot new internet craze. I feel so lame. Are these my people? 60 year-olds from Cincinnati and Jim Ryan the silver-pated newscaster? Oh dear. I need to move out of Stuy town and down to the LES, pronto!


Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Bad Botox and Creepy Collagen
ooh this is fun! Picking on celeb's alleged plastic surgery mistakes is always entertaining. Check out Kylie's botoxed face- it is out of control...

Subway Drama
A great review of The Man at the Token Booth at the Bedford Ave L on Universal Review. Interestingly, Leah just had a strikingly similar experience with a "damaged" metrocard. Some days the MTA can just grate on your last nerve. It's surprising that you don't hear about more incidents of "subway rage". I have at least 1 day a month on the train where I am on the verge of losing it in a big way. If that is typical for most people, and there are about 30-50 people on the average train car during rush hour, then by my very scientific calculations, at any given time there is AT LEAST 1 person in your car who may just freak the fuck out.

Man, what an asshole. What is the reason for the people who sit in the booth in the subway station? WHAT IS THE REASON? I guess the primary reason for them is to watch out for terrorism. But the other reason is to help you out when everything is fucked up. At least it should be. Unfortunately, too many of these people seem to think that their main and most important job is to remind you that you are a foolish, terrible person who does not deserve to ride the subway in the first place...

...So apparently my Metrocard is broken. It is damaged. It’s sort of ironic that it be damaged now, because for the longest time, with old ones, I would just shove them in my pocket, leave them on my floor, use them to pick my teeth, et cetera, and I never had any problem other than the fact that I was constantly losing them. However, about five months ago, I started making some changes in my life. The main one was that I began dutifully placing my card in my wallet after using it. This, I guess, is how it got to be broken. (Henry says it is from rubbing against the wallet every time I put it in and take it out.) But I didn’t know it was broken the other day when I tried to get on the train at Bedford Avenue. In fact, I had just used it to take the bus, and it had worked perfectly fine. Still, in the station, I swiped it and swiped it, and the turnstile just said "Please swipe card again. Swipe again at this turnstile." And like that.

So I went crawling to the man in the booth. I donned my best shit-eating, I’m sorry I’m such an idiot grin, because I have seen the way these exchanges go down and it is never pretty. The man in the booth glanced at my card in a cursory fashion and then tossed it back out at me, with a scowl. "It is damaged," he told me. "You have been using it inappropriately."

Stupid Ho
For anyone who saw last night's episode of the Real World...Can I just say how much I HATE Frankie? She is THE WORST!!! I hate people who can't just suck it up and make the best of it- so you are travelling with a bunch of frat boys and sorority girls- you are in GREECE!!! Cry me a fucking river. Stupid ho. Oh, I forgot, you're so "different" and "edgy" with your Hello Kitty and your piercings and your Hot Topic bracelets!

At the start of tonight's episode, we are reminded that the roommates "earned" a trip to the Greek Islands. Everyone is ecstatic except Frankie, who has issues with Robin & Cameran, and she, being the cool loner she is, just doesn't feel close enough to anyone to really enjoy the trip. Gee, wonder if Frankie's going to act like a psycho bitch the whole time?


Tuesday, May 04, 2004

Just What I Needed
Woo hoo...a Gawker for the LA gossip! Welcome Defamer!

Defamer's Hollywood obsessions include celebrity agent-swapping, aborted pilots, producer bully tactics, aggrieved production assistants, ridiculous script deals, the newest technology in breast implants, and, above all, sweet, sweet box office. We think the gossip in Hollywood has focussed a bit too much on the glamour, and not enough on the important stuff -- namely, the cold hard cash. (And, even better, the promise of cash that never materializes.) The real stars of Hollywood, after all, aren't even household names... yet. We hope that L.A., the greatest, cruelest city in the world, is finally getting the gossip rag it deserves.

"Tears and Fractured Skulls"
Hee!...Love Gawker's conclusions about the the cab fare hike...you bike riders, listen up!

Warning: Cabs Are Like, Really Expensive Now
I know New York mag tried to warn us with a special last week on the new taxi fare rates, but I don't really read those magazines. I saw some graphs and pictures of cabs and I thought, "So shiny! So pretty!" Then I threw the mag right back next to the toilet.

It's an age-old story: a magazine tried to help me with a bit of pseudo-service journalism and I just didn't listen. Dude: cabs are FUCKING EXPENSIVE now. What's the point of us having an impoverished immigrant service class if they're making more money than us? And if we can't afford them, aren't they going to be unhappy? Don't they get gratification from shuttling my lazy ass 80 blocks for the equivalent of a lawyer's billable sneeze?

You know what this means: bikes are going to be the "it" accessory this summer. This will only end in tears and fractured skulls.

Not (just) Another Teen Movie
Amy is right. Mean Girls is awesome! I saw it last night and looooooved it! It definitely transcends the current crop of teen movies and, while it is no Heathers, I give it my unqualified recommendation. See it.


Monday, May 03, 2004

Nerds of our past
A fun read by the lovely Misses Amy and Heather...

The Stitches Sisters have always been intrigued by nerds. How did that nerd get this way? Why is he wearing that shirt again? Does he ever wash it? Is he pissed off or does he simply have a low I.Q.? Did anyone else think that smartass comment he made in algebra was applause-worthy? And most of all, why do we care so much? It’s been almost ten years since the Stitches Sisters have been in high school, so for all you history buffs, here’s a blast to the CLASS of 1995.

The Casual Relationship
Hmm...interesting insights from the New York Post...not sure exactly what I think about this...

As a typical New Yorker, who is obsessive about not being tied down and eternally poised for that mystery around the corner, my "just casual enough" relationship is surely ideal. But something nags me that carrying on in this way is ultimately a soulless waste of time - and is making me soulless along with it.

Although it's normal for this city, is it really normal to spend a lot of intimate time with someone without it being, well, intimate?

Orange you glad you don't look like this?
Oh. My. God. Lindsey Lohan needs to cool it with the self-tanner! That's even worse than Charlize at the Oscars...What is wrong with these people? Can they not see that they have turned orange?

Thorax Cake
These cakes are even grosser than the Bleeding Armadillo cake featured in Steel Magnolias...
(via Black table)

Perfect for the next time you have some cannibals over for dinner!

When Cameron was in Egypt Land...
So they've picked the "guilty pleasure" for the Tribeca Drive-In...Friday, May 7 at 8:00 p.m....It's Ferris Bueller's Day Off...I don't quite see how that is a "guilty pleasure" but I am still down to inaugurate the outdoor movie season by seeing it...let me know if anyone is interested...


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