Thursday, March 31, 2005

"I heard she gave Jon a blow job- that trendy little bitch!"

Since I'm on the Humans Rights Campaign email list, I frequently get emails about different petitions and letter-writing campaigns...today was one about the Department of Health and Human Services website, 4parents...Here is HRC's problem with it...
Dear Rebecca,

Last Friday, the department of Health and Human Services released a new set of materials to help parents speak to their children about sexual health and relationships including a website (http://www.4parents.gov). The sections on sexual orientation and contraception on this website are particularly problematic and make the website of little positive use for parents with LGBT youth...
Anyway, they go on but that's the short version. I looked at the website and of course what they say is all true and I sent the letter, etc...but I found even more...

In their section on risky behaviors they list...
Sex-Related Risks:

Teen Pregnancy
High-Risk Fads
Other Unhealthy Behaviors
Sounds fairly reasonable, right? But just what are these "high-risk fads", you ask? What new-fangled sort of deviance could the kids possibly be up to these days?...
High-Risk Fads:

Oral Sex
Stop the presses!
Oral sex has taken the place of the "spin the bottle" game with children as young as 11 and 12 years old. The Washington Post reports that middle school children are adopting an "anything but intercourse" approach to sex. According to a survey by Seventeen Magazine, 55% of teenagers have tried oral sex. More and more newspapers are reporting oral sex between children at school, during class, on school buses and at parties. In some cases these youth are being charged with sexual crimes. Parents must make it clear to their children that oral sex is as dangerous in terms of disease as is intercourse.
Ok there is just SO MUCH wrong here that I can't even handle it.

#1) I can not believe that the DEPT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES is quoting a survey from SEVENTEEN MAGAZINE on their website...Are you fucking kidding me? And I even question the use of the Washington Post article as a source- not like there aren't thousands of actual, scientific, (DHHS FUNDED!!!) studies of adolescent health behavior to reference.

#2) "Parents must make it clear to their children that oral sex is as dangerous in terms of disease as is intercourse" Um, no. Actually it's not. I have no problem with a realistic discussion of the risks of oral sex, but that statement is TOTAL BULLSHIT.

#3) Why is this even under the category of fads? It makes it sound like blow jobs are the hot new dance craze or something...Maybe oral sex was once considered a high-risk fad?...like in 1956?...But let me tell you something- once the President is into it, it is like SO OVER!


Tuesday, March 29, 2005

"It looks like you're writing a letter"...

This is freakin' hilarious...goddamn, I hate Clippy and his smug grin!

An excerpt from Clippy the Microsoft Office Paperclip: The E! True Hollywood Story...but I suggest you read the whole thing...

...Clippy was riding high. With each new version of Microsoft Office, all the way through the turn of the millennium, Clippy was right there, annoying the ever-living fuck out of anyone who wasn't retarded. "It looks like you're writing a letter," he would so keenly observe, "Would you like some help?" No matter how many times he was banished by a momentarily peeved office worker, Clippy would always find his way back into the mainstream.

Clippy's fortunes took their first turn for the worst when it was announced in 2001 that he would not be included in Office XP.

"Office XP is so easy to use that Clippy is no longer necessary, or useful," explained Lisa Gurry, a Microsoft product manager, "Plus, if people haven't figured out how to use freaking Microsoft Word by now, they don't deserve access to a computer."

Clippy was shattered. He reportedly began drinking heavily, running around with a rough crowd and somehow contracted a bad case of the parishilton.std computer virus. He even got arrested after one particularly boozy evening when he decided to show up wasted to the Microsoft Office Christmas Party with two skanky ballpoint pens, then punched PowerPoint in the face before announcing that, "Bill Gates ain't shit without me" and then passing out to the horror of his ex co-workers...
(via Lindsayism)

"Did Neil Patrick Harris just steal my car?"

This post from Lindsayism says it all...

You know the Holocaust? Well picture the exact opposite of that."
This is an intervention for everyone who knows me and has seen the movie Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. I just saw it this weekend for the first three and a half times, and I am shocked and devastated that I have the kind of friends who would see that movie and not tell me that it's the best comedy in the past five years and possibly ever. You heard me right: possibly ever! Also, I watched it with the most pretentious intellectual snobby-snob I've ever met in my life and it was his idea, when the final credits rolled, to immediately start the movie back up again. And this is after it took 2.5 hours to watch it the first time because of constant "rewind and watch again" scenes (like the one involving the anti-drug commercial, or the one involving "the bag")

When Harold and Kumar Go to Amsterdam comes out, I'll be the first in line to see it. I really am completely shocked that nobody told me how good H&KGTWC was. I mean, it's groundbreaking-good. It's genius-good. I don't know anyone who could have written a movie that funny. Seriously. See it. You'll laugh every fifteen seconds, at least. Soooo good.


Standing Tall...On the Wings of My Dreams

Oh the joy! Surreal Life season 5 cast just announced:

Bronson Pinchot (Balky Bartokamous!!!)
Caprice (some British model)
Janice Dickinson (world's "first" supermodel, ANTM judge)
Carey Hart (Motocross rider, is this the guy that used to date Pink?)
Jose Canseco (steroid abuser and whistle-blower)
Omorosa (from Apprentice)
Pepa (from Salt N Pepa)

Clearly Caprice and Janice are going to duke it out for the coveted "mannish, over-botoxed former model" niche. I'll put money on Omorosa and Pepa having some sort of race-related clash...and I just couldn't be happier with Balky Bartokamous in the mix!...


Monday, March 28, 2005

Just One of the Guys = Best Movie Ever

...and this post on My Blog Is Poop is the best post on it ever!

Lessons Learned from Just One of the Guys

- If you want to cover up the most perfect pair of breasts ever, all you have to do is throw on a flannel.
- Lifting cafeteria tables increases your upper body strength.
- It's perfectly okay to bring a tremendous lizard into the gym showers with you
- All balls itch. It's a fact.
- If you walk up to your male friend in the bathroom and brush his hair behind his ears and say, "It's just that you looked so nice today," he won't assume that you're gay.
- That Terry as a guy looks exactly like Adam Brody on The O.C.
- If you lose the back of your earring you can just use an eraser to keep it in place. (I have sisters)
- If your girlfriend talks obsessively about wanting a career as a journalist, you probably shouldn't refer to it as her "little hobby."
- And don't try to make things better by saying she should be a model.
- If you ever want to prove that you're a woman, just tear your shirt open to reveal your breasts. That will get your point across.
- Girls judge guys mainly on looks. Then it goes to what kind of car he drives.
- It should only take 1-2 months to come to grips with the fact that your best guy friend is actually a woman who wants to fuck you, and to decide that you want to fuck her too.
- There is some music that you just have to listen to alone. Like James Brown, for example.
- Girls dig guys who dress like Elvis Costello and look like The Karate Kid.

And on that note, I'm going to end this with perhaps the greatest movie question known to man: Did Greg Tolan despise Terry Griffith because he/she reminded him of Daniel Son? And are these two movies actually connected? Did Johnny leave The All Valley Karate Tournament after losing to Daniel LaRusso, quit Cobra Kai, change his name to Greg Tolan and relocate to another California high school to start a new life?...

OMG...it gets better...check out the Karate Kid, Just One of The Guys, Back to School linkages explored here. Heavy.


Friday, March 18, 2005

A (very shallow) Mystery Wrapped in an (very ugly) Enigma

I like GloryFades take on The Lizzie Grubman Trainwreck (or shall I say, Car Crash? Actually, I like to call her "Old Baseball Mitt Face", in the privacy of my inner sanctum)...
There's something about Lizzie Fugman, err, Grubman's face that fasinates me. It's like it might have been pretty at one point or had the potential to be but something went terribly wrong. Was it that one extra shot of collagen in her lips? Or maybe going that extra shade of blonde, well, blonder? Or staying in the tanning booth for those extra 15 minutes a day? It's a mystery, I feel like it's a painting and if you peel off the layers maybe underneath there's a whole other painting that was okay to begin with. I'm thinking too much on this, but like I said, I'm fascinated. And...last note...it was rumored that she and John Mayer were making out at some douchebag club. He also has a face that makes me wonder, like he's somewhat attractive but only in certain lights. Like really low lighting.
My thoughts exactly. Ditto on the John Mayer.


Thursday, March 17, 2005

"Duvet Hegemony"

Love these "Angry Bed Positions" diagrams (from the man who brought you the stupefyingly comprehensive "Things My Girlfriend and I Have Argued About"- so he knows of which he speaks)...so funny...my fave is #4:

Angry Bed Position #4:
A full 'X' shape, each artiste forming one side of the letter. It's not quite an 'X', though, because the performers are not joined in the middle. That would require bottoms to be touching. None of the Angry Positions allow for any touching of body parts, that would completely ruin them. Sounds are certainly allowed, and in some positions they're pretty much mandatory. No touching, though, ever. The 'X' position is a declaration that both performers are convinced that they have God on their side and is quite often accompanied by abrupt, snatching attempts to achieve duvet hegemony and aggressive warning displays of pillow straightening
(via The Morning News)

You'll find them in da club

Funny article on the typical "going-out" attire of the frat boy and his ilk...

...Look at my button down striped shirt! Fucking look at it! This shirt means one thing! I’m coming home with some pussy tonight! That’s right! It’s been a long week at the office and it’s time to blow off a little steam! I am a Junior Vice President! I have business cards that say “Junior Vice President” on them! They’re glossy and magnificent! Here! Have one! Take it!

My boys are coming out with me tonight! They all have striped shirts too!...
(via Gawker)


This is so great...In case you missed it, Stereogum has an animated GIF of the America's Next Top Model Fainting Incident from last night, wherein Rebecca dramatically rolled her eyes back and fainted straight backwards like she was doing a trust fall exercise at a team-building retreat. She cites a "pre-existing medical condition" as the cause of her collapse. Yeah, it's called starvation.


Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Girl, please.

This item in Liz Smith's NYP gossip column today is ridiculous...

JESSICA SIMPSON stepped between an arguing couple at the Wild Oats Natural Marketplace in Santa Monica, Calif. Jessica told the angry pair: "When Nick and I have a tiff we settle it by using sexy lotions and rubbing them all over each other's bodies." The fighting couple, now paralyzed by the encounter, allowed themselves to be led by Jessica to the same sensuous emollients . . .
Is she this desperate to promote her nasty "Desserts" line???


Friday, March 04, 2005

"You think I got kicked out because of just the aquarium? Nah, it was the handjob..."

Check out "10 thoughts on handjobs" on My Blog Is Poop...My fave is #2:

2. Here's a question for ya. If it's raining out and you have an umbrella and somebody walks up to you and tries to hand you an umbrella, wouldn't you just be like, "Um, I already have that covered, thanks anyway." Yeah. Exactly

Bacon Whores?
Could this possibly be for real?

Bacon Whores: Because the only thing better than bacon is someone to cook it for you

Finally, you can have tasty, sizzling bacon, without all the shopping, planning, and preparation. Just schedule your appointment at baconwhores.com, and our trained experts will come and prepare bacon for you, exactly the way you like it.

How it works
1. Visit baconwhores.com
Use our simple reservation system to schedule your appointment when you want it, and select the type and quantity of bacon. You can schedule from two weeks in advance, up until one hour before the appointment, as long as the space is available.

2. Your Appointment
When your appointment comes, a specially-trained BaconWhores expert will arrive, ready to cook bacon. You don't even need your own cooking facilities - our experts bring along all the equipment they need.

3. Bacon!
Within twenty minutes of her arrival, our expert will have a piping hot plate of bacon for you to eat. You never knew bacon could taste this good.
(via TOTC)

TiVo, My Soulmate

As a fellow "TiVotee", I wholeheartedly agree with the statements in this FAQ...
Questions Frequently Asked About TiVo, Answered by Someone Who Loves TiVo Too Much

Q: What is the proper term for a lover of TiVo?

A: A lover of TiVo is a “TiVotee” (rhymes with “devotee”).

Q: Will I watch more or less television once I have TiVo?

A: You will not watch any television whatsoever. You will watch TiVo. Television has commercials. TiVo has only magnificent moving-picture programming filled with people you recognize and love because they are famous—not anonymous acting drones who have acid indigestion and limp penises and need life insurance.

Q: Will TiVo change my life?

A: No, TiVo will not change your life so much as He will destroy your previous life, permitting a new and improved life to rise, phoenix-like, from your ashes. Switching from cable television to satellite is “change.” Moving to TiVo is closer to rebirth...


Thursday, March 03, 2005

Somebody slap this man

This is so retarded.
March 3, 2005 -- SIBERIA bar owner Tracy Westmoreland, who has already branched out into acting, has another career in the works: toupee visionary. The burly barkeep reluctantly decided to shave off his devilish goatee for a Siberia-related court date. "I knew I had to be clean for the court, but I couldn't cut off the goatee because I have auditions coming up," Westmoreland told The Post's Gersh Kuntzman. "That goatee is my livelihood." Westmoreland reached out to legendary toupee man Elliot Nonas, former owner of Alfieri Studio, which is now crafting a fake goatee out of Westmoreland's hair. "This is nothing," Nonas said. "Don't forget, I've done merkins" — pubic wigs for women more common in medieval times.
(Page Six)
"That goatee is my livelihood." Yes, that is what he really said.


For some reason, I find this NY Times correction HILARIOUS...
An Editorial Observer column in The Times yesterday incorrectly cited lyrics from a Michael Jackson song. The phrase "mamase mamasa mamakosa" ends the song "Wanna Be Startin' Somethin'," not "Working Day and Night."
(via Gawker)


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