Thursday, December 23, 2004

The Sex Mix Dilemma

This used to be acceptable sex music Posted by Hello

This posting, The Definitive Sex Mix Guide, really breaks down some of the issues involved with creating a Sex Mix CD...hilarious and dead on...here's an excerpt but you should really check out the whole thing- it's that good...

...How about the sleazy factor? Is it sleazy if you use the same Sex Mix for a bunch of different girls? Is it sleazier, than say using the same box of condoms for a bunch of different girls? I say it is, because symbolically music is supposed to bring us closer together, while condoms are meant to keep us apart. But since it would be an incredible hassle to keep making new Sex CD's, I guess it's okay to reuse them. Of course, you should probably stop if you find yourself saying, "Geez, I liked this song so much more the last time I listened to it. God I miss my ex-girlfriend." The other problem is that if you've listened to it more than once you're going to start putting pressure on yourself. Like, "if I don't hold out until Track 9 I'm pathetic." Like you really need that...
(via whatevs)


Wednesday, December 15, 2004

His name is Humpty...

 Posted by Hello

I just love this Vice Do and its accompanying commentary:
Dude is just chilling. He's unflappable. You could be like, "Humpty, what if nobody shows up to our party?" and he'd be all, "Don't worry about it doood."


Tuesday, December 14, 2004

That's so wrong

The Golden Girls: Sofia, Blanche, Rose, and Dorothy Posted by Hello

This is too funny. Sick and wrong, but funny. This blog has a series called The Fuckability of The Golden Girls!, Parts I-IV...sooo good! Some excerpts...
Part I, Sophia Petrillo:
With age comes experience. Sophia is a nonagenarian with the figure of an octogenarian. She's got sass and a thing or two to teach you in the bedroom if she can remember it. She used to be the most beautiful girl in her Sicilian village, but hard times have befallen the matriarch of The Golden Girls over the past 70 years and her youthful good looks have sagged to new lows...

Part II, Rose Nylund:
...And likewise for the St. Olaf factor, Rose would be relegated strictly to booty call status. There's no way I'd go steady with Rose and meet her entire stupid backwoods family. Sorry babe. And also, when I page her, she better call me back within 5 minutes, because I don't have time to put up with her idiocy. One strike and she's out!...

Part III, Blanche Devereaux:
Blanche Devereaux is such a great example of someone with Southern hospitality. She's dainty, charming, fun, and her hoo-ha literally has a neon WELCOME sign dangling from it. I've seen it! She's the kind of Golden Girl who'll let you put "it" in "anywhere" on a first date. By "it," I mean your donger. "Anywhere"=Anal. Clearly...

Part IV, Dorothy Zbornak:
Let me start off by saying that if I wanted to throw it in a fatalistic botched op trannie, there's plenty of 'em listed in the back pages of the Village Voice--I don't need to go to Miami to get my fix. I'm in no mood to stand behind Stanley Zbornak for a piece of Dorothy's pie. Why's he always trying to get back in her pants? He knows what's in there--a giant strap on dildo. Someone get this man one for Christmas so he can leave her alone...
(via TOTC)

"Whiffy Spears"

Brit's funky feet Posted by Hello

This Sun article about Britney's allegedly smelly feet is just so mean and embarrassing. I hope it's true! Hee!

Whiffy Spears

BRITNEY Spears caused a real stink when her smelly FEET gassed a plane full of people. Passengers complained when the pungent pop star shed her shoes on a flight. The nasty niff was so bad that a stewardess asked Britney to put them back on.

Britney, 23, caused a stir as she and hubby Kevin Federline, 26, flew from Los Angeles to New York. The singer, famed for hits like Toxic, blamed the whiff on her shoes.

One passenger fumed: “The smell was unbelievable. One woman had a word with the air hostess, then three or four others complained. She looked pretty embarrassed as she tapped Britney on the shoulder and asked her very politely to put her shoes back on...
(via the Superficial)


Monday, December 13, 2004

That Dirty Old Brown Bunny

 Posted by Hello

In case you are interested in checking out the infamous fellatio scene between Vincent Gallo and Chloe Sevigny from The Brown Bunny, Fleshbot has a collage of screen captures...NOT SAFE FOR WORK...or for those who want to feel clean for the rest of the day.


Tuesday, December 07, 2004

Consider Yourself Warned

 Posted by Hello

These warning lists of Girls and Guys to avoid are pretty funny...Here are some choice samples...

Girls to Avoid:

6. Avoid any girl who has lots of overly-enthusiastic male testimonials on Myspace. She’s an attention whore.

13. Avoid any girl who won’t make out with you in a taxi. She lacks a properly functioning sexual instinct.

14. Avoid any girl whose best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend. Together they are a committee of manhaters and you are the next target for hate.

15. Avoid any girl who tells you she thinks she feels a spark between the two of you. Her mind is trapped in a Sweet Valley High novel.

20. Avoid any girl who cries when she’s drunk. Her self-pity will destroy you.

21. Avoid any girl who you think looks even hotter when she is miserable. You will destroy each other.

22. Avoid any girl who tries to come off as more emotionally unavailable and cavalier about relationships than you are. She’s secretly a tightly wound bundle of need.

Guys to avoid:

2. If he wants to cook you a romantic dinner on the second date, he’s cheap.

10. He says he’s got a lot of stuff to do first thing the next morning… playing the quelle cool-hand-luke card. “A lot of stuff” involves “taking a shit.” Period.

17. If his face turns red and he gets tight-lipped when you kick his ass at Scrabble, he’s a loser in more ways than one.

19. If he can’t IM you and still get his work done, he’s a horrible multi-tasker; you’ll never achieve simultaneous orgasms.

21. He still wants to go to Turks & Caicos Club Med. Enough said.

22. If he doesn't put the moves on by the end of the third date, he’s terrible at closing other deals, too. Take heed.

44. If when you go out for sushi, he always orders chicken teriyaki, you’ve got a chicken shit on your hands with no sense of adventure.

47. "Wait did I tell you this already?" is his code for "I'm dating a lot of other women, even though I'm going to pretend we're exclusive by avoiding 'the talk.'"

(via Ultragrrrl)


Friday, December 03, 2004

Wax on, Wax off!

Sweep the leg! Posted by Hello

Oh man, I am so pissed that I'm missing this!!!

IT'S KARATE, KID! The Musical is an outrageous and unconventional riff on the beloved ’80s film. Under the manicured guiding hand of a mystical maintenance man, Daniel-San Larusso wages war against pill-popping, white trash deviants; well-styled, bloodthirsty karate students; rampaging hormones and many more “unsavory things.”
(via TOTC)

Trouble in Paradise?

Heading for Splitzville?... Posted by Hello

I have to say, I was fairly dismissive of all the stories about Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey's marriage being on the rocks- seemed like just alot of tabloid salivation over some innocent bachelor party antics. But this email that Gawker has posted from a PA working at the Rockefeller Center Tree Lighting ceremony is pretty convincing...On the other hand, perhaps I shouldn't be so convinced by anonymous emails of dubious origin?...who knows, it's good reading, anyway...Here are the juiciest bits, for those of you too busy/lazy to read the whole thing:

My boss and I were talking to Nick about extending his intro for Jessica by 30 secs. We asked him what he wanted to say about her.

These are [Nick’s] exact words...

"Let's see what could I say.......Do you really want me to tell you...... Not too many nice things to say about her (this is [we] started sweating and getting uncomfortable)... How about she was the best stocking I ever stuffed?" He then proceeded to say, "She was the best Chimney I've ever come down on."

What scared me about those comments, besides the obvious, is that he was dead serious. His manager didn't even laugh. It wasn't said as a joke. It was almost like he was pissed off. There was def. an edge to it. And the talking in past tense really threw me off.

Bottom line is that her parents have ruined her into this celebrity robot and because of that her marriage sucks.
I think it's safe to say that this PA is probably fired now.


Thursday, December 02, 2004

Criminally Retarded

Are you fucking kidding me?... Posted by Hello

Are Britney and Kevin actually toting a frigging crib around (a Burberry crib, no less) for that damn chihuahua? Ok, Britney. WE GET IT. You really, really, REALLY want a baby. Now please stop this. Now.

P.S. Please note the Kabbalah book in the crib. Sickening.

(via Stereogum)

Burger Joint: My nostalgic, hungry review

Fear not, confused first-timer! The Neon Burger will show you the way... Posted by Hello

I miss New York!!! My former coworkers just sent me this posting about a newcomer's discovery of our favorite lunch spot, Burger Joint, and now I can't stop thinking about it...

Oh how I miss Burger Joint!...Nestled cryptically within the lobby of Le Parker Meridian, one of midtown's fancier hotels, the Burger Joint is honestly one of the weirder and most wonderful things about New York. The first time you go, you are so confused, clutching the instructions that someone has painstakingly elucidated. You walk through Le Parker Meridian's sleek marble lobby with the vaulted stained glass ceilings and uniformed doormen...you see the ritzy resturant (incidentally home of the $1000 omelette) and think "is THAT it?"...but you keep to the instructions which tell you to go "around" the tall brown curtain that hangs behind the reception desk. Feeling foolish, you peer around said curtain when you see it, glimmering like a candle in the window on a cold dark winter night...the neon burger that shows you the way...following the arrow, you enter the Burger Joint...which is about as different as it could possibly be from the swanky hotel you just came through.

Looking more like some parents' rec room or the "party room" at the local Shakey's Pizza, Burger Joint is, in the words of this fabulously accurate Food Section review, "so completely unpretentious that it risks being absurdly pretentious in its artificiality". You look around at the wood paneling, the outdated movie-posters crookedly tacked up, the napkins affixed to the wall with used chewing gum proclaiming "Caroline from NJ loves Burger Joint!", and you think..."what the fuck is going on here? Are people seriously standing in this crazy-ass line to get a burger here?".

Oh yes they are. And not only standing in line, but playing an intense, dog-eat-dog game of "booth-sharking", jockeying in position to obtain the coveted but minimal seating. (Seriously, things can get crazy here. I once witnessed my ordinarily mild-mannered co-worker almost start a fist-fight with a guy who tried to snake our booth). But when you get your burger...it is just SO worth it! Best burger in town, no question, including Corner Bistro! And that is saying alot.

Goddammit. I shouldn't have moved back to LA. Sure we have In-N-Out which is great and all...but it just doesn't have the same kind of mystery...


Wednesday, December 01, 2004

A Very Special Thanksgiving

Lindsey and Friends... Posted by Hello

Lindsey and Friends... Posted by Hello

Some naive friend of Lindsey Lohan thought it would be jolly good fun to post her pictures of their Thanksgiving holiday antics on the oh-so-private internet. Complete with such timeless holiday activities as drinking beer and smoking blunts in the car. Of course her people yanked the pics down ASAP...but not before Stereogum, wiley genius that he is, backed them up to his site! Awesome! I heart Stereogum.


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