daily roundup

Poor Courtney Love. She wants to tour the States this summer but the judge in her drug trial is telling her to go to rehab. Courtney recently gatecrashed a party in New York's Soho House and just wandered around telling random strangers that she'd just been ripped off by a real estate agent. She was found later by staff in the elevator, lying in the foetal position, muttering to herself. That judge might just have a point.

The Breast Cancer site is having trouble getting enough people to click on it daily to meet their quota of donating at least one free mammogram a day to an underprivileged woman .

It takes less than a minute to go to their site and click on "donating a mammogram" for free (pink window in the middle). This doesn't cost you a thing. Their corporate sponsors/advertisers use the number of daily visits to donate mammogram in exchange for advertising.

www.thebreastcancersite.com

Man Arrested After Motel Room Is Coated In Vaseline

A man is accused of applying Vaseline petroleum jelly to every surface in his room at a Motel Six near Binghamton, New York.

After Roger Chamberlain checked out last week, the cleaning crew discovered mattresses and bedding were slathered with the slippery stuff. Vaseline covered the TV set, furniture, carpeting and towels -- and everything else in the room...

Hasselhoff Has Rapping Down To An Ice-T

Rap legend Ice-T is risking his massive reputation on his latest recruit - middle-aged former beach bum David Hasselhoff.The original gangsta believes he can turn the ex-Baywatch star into hip hop's next big thing.Ice and Hasselhoff, 51, are neighbours in Los Angeles and have struck up a close friendship.

The rapper - real name Tracey Morrow - told The Sun: "The man is a legend, we are going to show a whole new side of him.

"He's gonna come out as Hassle the Hoff.

"The Hoff will surprise people with his rap skills and humour."

Michael Jackson has admitted sharing his bed with Macaulay and Kieran Culkin. But he forgot to mention that his interest in the Culkins extended to their younger brother Rory. The boys' father and former manager, Kit Culkin, says he once walked into a room to find "Michael, sitting on the floor in the corner with my 2-year-old son Rory. Both of them [were] sucking on baby bottles."

...Anyway, here is the rundown on the important parts of Troy:

BRAD PITT: A+
He looks great and you see his butt a lot in profile, which is definitely superhot. But no full-on butt shot. Also you basically see his pubes— or what would be pubic hair, except that he is obviously totally shorn. It looks good. At first I was disappointed by the lack of full frontal nudity, but Emily points out that since we have all already seen BP’s penis, and since it is not that impressive, it is no big loss that it was left out. Still, that is no excuse for no butt crack shot. I was so ready for this jelly. What happened?...

'Baby Jessica' doesn't Stuff

It's hardly as bad as that horrible October in 1987 when 18-month-old Jessica McClure fell down a well in Texas. But her parents are still furious that some people think that "Baby Jessica," who's now 18 years old, has turned into a pin-up model for Stuff.

In their May issue, the mischievous editors at the lad mag did a spoof of People's "Where are they now?" feature by depicting "Baby Jessica" as a scantily clad knockout. The magazine avoided a potential libel problem by identifying its busty, red-haired model as "Jessica McClain."

But the real Jessica's mom, Cissy McClure, says her daughter didn't appreciate being morphed into a bimbo.

"She was just so hurt," Cissy tells us. "We're all just really upset."

Stuff deputy editor Dan Bova, who got an angry call from Cissy, says the magazine meant no offense.

"I think it was obvious that it was a parody," he says.

A clinic spokesman said: "When we asked them how often they had had sex, they looked blank, and said: "What do you mean?".

"We are not talking retarded people here, but a couple who were brought up in a religious environment who were simply unaware, after eight years of marriage, of the physical requirements necessary to procreate."

We agreed between the two of us to kick things off with a Gordita, and move into the 10 taco (hard and soft alternate) spread. If necessary, we would buy more. Now I knew going into this that if I wanted to get near him, I was going to have to eat at least 15, because that was his proven record, and he clearly wasn't going to back down. So I was certain we would have to purchase more.

One thing the couple would not talk about yesterday was just how they picked the name Apple or what it meant to them. But three theories were circulating last night.

The first is that it's Gwyneth's salute to the Big Apple, where the waifish blonde was born and raised and still owns a townhouse in the West Village.

Then, it could be a tribute to "Clocks," the Grammy-winning song by Martin's band, Coldplay, which includes the line, "shoot an apple off my head."

The third, somewhat wacky possibility is that the baby was named after Gwyneth and Chris' passion for Apple computers, which they own and swear by.

May 16, 2004 -- Mischa Barton was in a tizzy Tuesday night when she arrived at Chelsea's Marquee nightclub with boyfriend Brandon Davis, heir to a Hollywood oil fortune. "Are there paparazzi out there?" she asked, poking a very worried face out of a friend's Bentley. "Are there? Are there?"

"Do you see any paparazzi out here?" came the doorman's reply. There were none.

Miss Barton's concerns might have been a tad presumptuous. No one seemed to recognize the sultry "O.C." star.

"Mischa Barton? Who is that?" asked a non-TV watcher at the club. "I just said hi to Brandon, but who's Mischa?"

Nevertheless, the starlet hid her face and physically attached herself to Davis as they were escorted through the packed club to the private VIP room.

But this diva-in-training episode was a rerun. At a recent private party, she snapped when two girls asked who she was, Barton hissed, "You just hate me because I'm famous!" Maybe.

...by the time Clueless rolled, I was out of the closet as a fan of teen girl movies. I loved watching these smart, sassy heroines overcome peer pressure and social obstacles to reach self-realization and get the hottie. From Bring it On to Ten Things I Hate About You to Legally Blonde to Freaky Friday (the new version), if there was a plucky teenage girl heroine, Hollywood could count on me plunking down good money to sit in the theater and cheer her on. I could identify. My inner sixteen-year-old girl was achingly lonely and needed some encouragement. She was still waiting for someone to take off her glasses, give her a makeover and turn her from bookworm to prom queen...

...But watching Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls gave me a strange new erotic charge. I've been living as an out gay man for nearly fifteen years, and although I have, on occasion, had momentary indiscretions with the fairer sex, I generally know where my predilections lie. But in some ways being gay is like being trapped in ninth grade for the rest of your life. By and large, being in the company of adult gay men is like being in a teen girl movie, complete with ogling dreamy guys and worrying about outfits...

Most of the grunge goddesses' unstrung pearls of wisdom were scattered about as she squatted comfortably on the grimy floor of the second-floor ladies' room. In no particular order, they include:

* "Mrs. Consuela was the pet name for his genitals." It was unclear whose.

* "Let me say something rude - I'm really rich!"

* "They're having sex with girls from my Web site - little girls, 15, 16, 17, 18." It was unclear who "they" are.

* "Check this out! I have to watch video of [two people] having sex in my bed, and he puts my jewelry on her."

* "I think God f- - -ed me for committing too many adulteries."

* "I need a cigarette or I'll die!"

* "No! No! I don't do drugs. I was a junkie - I can't medicate myself - you gotta really watch it."

sweet Jebus on a popsicle stick, hide your kids and cover their eyes! Courtney Love is back in New York to face assault charges and looks worse than you could ever fathom ... the only thing that your Uncle Grambo can POSSIBLY think to describe her look is the following...

Imagine with me, if you will, that Joan Rivers is a snake (think a big, old, wrinkled version of Coily). Now imagine with me that an evil spirit from a netherworld inhabited some dead skin that Joan shed twenty-five years or so ago and decided to get on a plane to fly to LaGuardia. But before stopping off at the local courthouse, this spirit was date raped by Michael Caine and, in the aftermath, decided it would be a GREAT idea to visit Jocelyn Wildenstein's make-up artist for a quick rouge bath. And that's pretty much that.

Courtney Hole. so sad. how she got from left to right is anyone's guess, but you can bet yo ass it has more than a little to do with Oxy.

UPN has been quiet for months about whether it would greenlight the unscripted series, which would bring together five Amish teenagers and five non-Amish youth in a type of "Real World" house. It's built around the rite of rumspringa, which gives the Amish youth a greater sense of freedom than their religion has permitted them until that point. This period--about a year around age 18--gives Amish youth the chance to decide whether they would continue living in the Amish way as adults.

The singles below are real people with real issues. Some are overweight. Others are crippled by debt. Quite a few live with their parents. But they all have one thing in common: They are available. And they've put themselves out there with the hope of finding someone willing to accept them at face value. So, please, scan their profiles. You may not get exactly what you want, but at least you know exactly what you're getting.

Leah J
Age: 26
Height: 5'11"
Weight: Melting away
Occupation: Ice-cream-store manager
Location: Chicago
Last time had a boyfriend: Sophomore year of high school
Sexual habits: I will gladly accept oral, but chances are high that I'll get bored and roll over and try to fall asleep.

I'm wasting my chemistry degree at an ice-cream parlor in Chicago. For the last three or four years, I've been huffing and puffing up the stairs in an out-of-shape, overweight, size-22 body, though I recently lost more than fifty pounds. Dating me will be a gamble in the physical department: Will she gain? Won't she gain? It will also be a gamble in the bedroom: Will she go down? Won't she go down? I do a bit of stand-up comedy, so most of our relationship will end up in a joke—quite literally—onstage. I have a cat that sheds on everything and hates most men.

Prom: It was a night of teenage majesty with shiny tuxedo shoes, ugly-ass fluffy dresses, and (hopefully) a hidden flask full of Popov's Vodka and Tahitian Treat to take the edge off -- how else could you muster up the confidence to seductively grind your date during " I Wanna Sex U Up"?

We're Asian and Pacific Islander Americans "living on the rim," where our diverse cultures and the everyday American lifestyle become one. We're hanging on to our great traditions while we move to the beat of the times. We honor our heritage – but we love being Americans. From high fashion to high tech, from Asian Pacific American hip hop to haute cuisine, we're weaving the threads of our culture into the fabric of everyday American life. Whether we're sipping green tea or enjoying a Big Mac® sandwich, we're helping make the magic mix called America become even richer. And McDonald's is right there with us, everyday!

Fact: I've been with the same guy for a pretty long time now. We're both adults, by all legal and social standards. We both live in New York, although we don't (yet) live together. We don't fuck other people. He makes me want to get married and have babies eventually, and all that other queer stuff. It is the least offensive sexual relationship possible. Your grandmother wishes you could have that kind of sex.

Until recently, I was on the birth-control patch. Then my migraines started getting worse. So I went off it. My boyfriend and I had been using condoms for a while when, motherfucker, one broke. At exactly the wrong time of the month. On a fucking Friday evening. Friday evening is when all the gynecologists meet up, go to Six Flags and don’t answer their pagers. I wasn't able to get in touch with my gynecologist’s office until Saturday afternoon, when they phoned in a prescription for the aptly named “Plan B” to my pharmacy. But no one bothered to tell me that my pharmacy didn't have it in stock.

"Come back Monday!” they told me. I did come back Monday — sixty-two hours into the seventy-two-hour window you have to take emergency contraception.

“Wild weekend?” my consistently inappropriate pharmacist asked...

May 12, 2004 -- A MURDERED woman's devastated parents are accusing Ashton Kutcher of hindering the investigation into the death of their 22-year-old daughter, who was Kutcher's date at the 2001 Grammy parties.

The drama unfolded when the "That '70s Show" heartthrob arrived at Ashley Ellerin's Hollywood bungalow to take her to that year's glitzy Grammy bashes. Kutcher had already been on a handful of dates with the pretty fashion student.

But when he rang the bell, Ellerin didn't answer. Kutcher walked around the house, peered through the large French windows and noticed dark stains on the floor which, he later told police, he thought came from red wine. He then returned to his car and left for the parties solo.

But Ellerin's roommate came home the next morning to find her brutally stabbed to death. The "wine stains" were in fact blood. Her lifeless body had been in the bungalow for more than 12 hours.

Now her parents, Michael and Cynthia Ellerin, tell In Touch magazine that they still blame Kutcher for not going to police after seeing the suspicious floor stains...

Last week, when a mover was taking the last piece of furniture off the truck, he opened a dresser drawer to get a grip on it. And there was Lilly. The couple says Lilly was a little stunned, but after some tender loving care, she came around. Before long, she was running around and purring.

i can only hope that when you come to NYC this september you fall in with the right crowd, maybe a crowd that stays up late doing drugs that give them the munchies. and a crowd that drinks a lot of high carb beverages.
but in the meantime please think about the eating thing. i'm sure there are some young girls out there who used to look up to britney spears and are seeking out new role models. let them know that it's okay if their ribs don't stick out of their emaciated back...and eat something!
bon appetit!

#2 Prove you've got good jeans. Don't be afraid of denim, especially on casual dates. "Jeans reveal a lot about the woman, based on her choice- brand, cut, wash - and what she wears them with," says Leventhal.

"And you can't hide anything in jeans, so a woman who wears great jeans is showing a guy she has nothing to hide."

#3 Skirt the issue. "A skirt says there's been too much effort," says Leventhal, "and black pants say, 'I want to get engaged as soon as possible.'"

Lindsay, honey, we think you're adorable and sexy and all, but please - watch your outfits in public and try not to give it all away so soon. You don't want to be an overexposed hag like Paris Hilton by the time you turn 21, do you?

(Comments regarding areola color and potential Photoshop trickery are welcome.)

About 2 years ago I decided to dig a hole in my back yard. Why? Why not.Its good exercise and I could get a tan too. Plus holes are cool.

Here is a movie from inside the hole. I'm trying to convince my pregnant wife to come check things out. Get in here fatty!

Here I am in my fashionable tabasco print boxers, soaking up the sun and working on the window. I have a screwy deformed rib cage so I squat instead of sitting usually.

So many of you might ask. WTF do you do with such a beautiful hole? As mentioned above, it IS a great place to escape, and take naps, and shoot animals from.

At Bush Gardens, the three have had rooms built along one wall, for about $2,500. Construction was a bonding period: they slept curled up together on two futons, rolling their bedding and clothes up each morning before work in garbage bags, in a not altogether successful effort to deflect the plaster dust. They jumped rope at night, and sang songs.