daily roundup

My Life as a (New) Wife: How Not to Turn into His Mother
Do you ever find yourself pulling a granola bar out of your purse to feed your hungry (and grumpy) husband and feeling more like his mom than his wife?...

I started the "Ryan drawer." When he has the time and feels inspired to get something done, he reaches in and can pull out a bill to pay or sign an autograph for a fan. The key here is to learn how your husband functions best and encourage productivity however possible.

I know that it's important for Ryan to have buddies, so when he goes out with them, I tell him to have fun. I fight the urge to suggest a reasonable hour for him to come home, but I won't hesitate to make sure he carries his cell phone. Otherwise, Ryan is a big boy now and deserves to have a good time without my fretting out loud.

PLEASE DO NOT DISPUTE THIS LETTER
My name is Tommy Simms.
I had an accident when I was young. I was shoved by mistake while playing with another kid.
I grew up through life having epilepsy and black-outs from 1952-1962. I'm very energetic and talented.
I am a house D.J. looking for success. I also imitate James Brown. I consider myself a good Showman. If you can, please contribute whatever you can.

(photocopy of ID card)

D.J. NAME "BEDROCK"
BETTER KNOWN AS ROCKIN ROBIN JR!

Every day for the past week I have run into at least one person from the dim recesses of my past (eg, last year or earlier). This is one of the perils of living in New York, as I think I’ve whined about before: no anonymity at all, really. “The city is no place to hide in, everybody knows your number,” as Linda Ronstadt once sang. Running into people is a mixed bag. Here are the pros:

1. Proof that you exist. People remember your name.
2. Sometimes you run into people who you actually like, even though you forgot about them or lazily fell out of touch.
3. You can gain valuable gossip to tell other people who know the person you ran into.
4. Even if you don’t like the person, sometimes the story of running into them can be turned into a funny anecdote.
5. If you run into someone you really hate while looking especially good, it can be very satisfying.
6. You feel as if you are a part of a greater whole/ as if your life has a narrative logic behind it.

None of which fully redeems the cons . . .

Lindsay Lohan, Tara Reid vying for Paris Hilton's affection!

Rumours are abuzz that both Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid are vying with each other for Paris Hilton's attention. The two reportedly had a major row recently over who is Paris' best friend.

According to The Sunday Telegraph, Tara Reid who has been Paris' friend for quite sometime, could not accept the fact that Lindsay was hogging much of Hilton's attention.

At a recent party in Vegas, an inebriated Tara reportedly abused Lohan. "Tara called Lindsay every name in the book. And things got worse after Tara consumed a few cocktails. At one point, Tara even threatened, 'I'm gonna punch out your lights', to a stunned Lindsay - and Tara meant it," a source was quoted as saying.

"Tara has been close pals with Paris for a while now and I think she feels that Lindsay is moving in on her turf," the source added.

Tommy Lee Goes "Old School"

Get ready, kids: Former Motley Crew drummer Tommy Lee may well be sitting next to you in class this fall.

Cribbing from Old School, NBC has agreed to pick up a new half-hour reality show featuring the 42-year-old rock star enrolling in college.

No word yet on where Lee will matriculate, or how he did on his SATs, but it's a safe bet that the school will be somewhere in California as Lee lives in Los Angeles. The show aims to capture Lee both in, and out of the classroom (beer bong, dudes?)...

Convention Coverage: Gawker Ventures Outside
THIS SPECIAL CONVENTION REPORT JUST IN! It's 10:49 on Avenue A and some people are waking up and going to the deli. Someone looking suspiciously like a bartender is taking what looks suspiciously like a still-drunk floozie to Odessa for a really cheap breakfast. People are drinking coffee, and some appear to be going to work! Wait.. Wait... This one guy appears to be buying a newspaper! More on this important New York City Convention coverage as it develops!

Lindsay Lohan: Tara, it's Lindsay.
Tara Reid: Hey there bad girl!
LL: Guess what?
TR: What?
LL: Wilmer just gave me a promise ring!
TR: OMG!
LL: OMG!
TR: That's super special. Did you wipe it off with kleenex like I showed you?
LL: No, not around my neck - it's for my finger!
TR: OMG!
LL: OMG for sure!
TR: How are your boobs?
LL: Fucking huge!
TR: Ask me how mine are.
LL: How are your boobs?
TR: (pause) Fucking huge!
LL: OMG!
TR: OMG fuck yeah!
LL: Mine kind of hurt though.
TR: I know, I have like little blobs of silicone in my toes and all my joints ache!
LL: That's so weird.
TR: Hang on, I'm falling off a table...Wheee!

Carson's cereal number
...During a taping this week of the NBC late-night show "Last Call With Carson Daly" - for an episode scheduled to air Sept. 3 - the host held up a box of Wheaties featuring six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Michael Phelps.

Daly said, "And look what was right next to it on the shelf."

Then he held up a box of something called "Gay Wheaties," with a madly grinning McGreevey pictured on the front.

"Tastes just like Gay Cheerios," Daly announced as he popped some in his mouth.

Funny?

...Steven Fisher, of the gay advocacy group Human Rights Campaign, quipped: "Carson should get to know gay people better. Cereal has way too many carbs."

MISPLACED PUP
August 26, 2004 -- PARIS Hilton didn't lose her dog, Tinkerbelle, after all. While the celebutante was putting out APBs on her missing mutt, he was exactly where she left him. According to a friend of hers, it seems that Paris, in slightly cloudy shape, had dropped the pup off at her grandparents' house. When Tinkerbelle's plight started getting press, the grandparents' housekeeper called and reminded Paris where her pooch was. A rep for Hilton denied the story.

VEEP OK WITH GAY UNIONS

August 25, 2004 -- WASHINGTON — Vice President Dick Cheney broke from his boss yesterday and threw his support behind "an issue our family is very familiar with" — gay relationships.

"Lynne and I have a gay daughter, so it's an issue our family is very familiar with," Cheney said of his daughter, Mary.

When asked at a campaign stop in Iowa where he stood on gay marriage, Cheney said: "With respect to the question of relationships, my general view is freedom means freedom for everyone."

"People ought to be free to enter into any kind of relationship they want to," he added...

The dandy dude also wishes our presidential candidates would mix it up a little bit, particularly with pocket squares. "It's ridiculous for John Kerry to not wear a pocket square. His wife is Ms. Heinz," he ranted to PAGE SIX's Lisa Marsh. "What if she spills some ketchup on herself? What's he going to do? If he has a pocket square, he's prepared."

Friends till the end
I know what you did last summer
Cruel Intentions
Heathers
Sorority Boys
Summer Catch
Charlies Angels
The Rules of Attraction
Angus
Wonder Boys
Varsity Blues
Behind the Camera: The unauthorized story of Three's Company
Beverly Hills 90210: the Reunion
The Facts of Life Reunion
Lady Marmalade, from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack
The Growing Pains Reunion Movie
My So Called Life (all eps)
Centerstage
Go

Buzz breather has air of legality

Belly up to the bar and take a deep, deep breath.
The machine that converts alcohol into breathable mist, the one that supposedly creates a low-calorie, hangover-free buzz, is apparently perfectly legal, according to state officials...

Some may find it ironic that Tom Cruise is accusing psychiatry of being a cult. The star is a member of Scientology, which opposes psychiatry, and which some critics have called a cult. “It’s someone’s opinion that says you have a chemical imbalance,” Cruise told The Scotsman. “These people have set themselves up as authorities, and, basically, it is just an esoteric cult, and it’s disgusting.”

- Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal toilet processes.

- In very severe cases it may be necessary to tie a hand to the bed frame with a tie in order that the habit of masturbating in a semi-sleep condition can be broken. This can also be accomplished by wearing several layers of clothing which would be difficult to remove while half asleep.

- If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, you must break off their friendship. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind.

- In the field of psychotherapy there is a very effective technique called aversion therapy. When we associate or think of something very distasteful with something which has been pleasurable, but undesirable, the distasteful thought and feeling will begin to cancel out that which was pleasurable. If you associate something very distasteful with your loss of self-control it will help you to stop the act. For example, if you are tempted to masturbate, think of having to bathe in a tub of worms, and eating several of them as you do the act.

...According to an anonymous source with knowledge of Yorn's "technique," he could further improve his pick-up prospects by abandoning his "OCD-like need to constantly readjust his package and/or scratch his balls." But if you're a well-known musician with a powerful showbiz family, why not scratch away? Besides, it's probably not a hygeine problem, just a defense mechanism to keep himself from constantly having to service his groupies...

DOs & DON'Ts—Shots
If someone buys you a shot, you have to do it, no matter what. If you're too hungover or the bar is about to close, you can pretend to do it by throwing it over your shoulder, but if you get caught that person has the right to never speak to you again.

DOs & DON'Ts—Being pussy-whipped
If you are doing things you don't want to do more than 50% of the time, you are pussy-whipped. There's a fine line between being a caring boyfriend and being whipped, so the only way to know for sure is to ask your friends. As a general rule, if there are things you are "not allowed" to do, you are whipped. Other indications include: you are expected to provide foot massages, you sincerely like her friends, you divide the housework evenly, you divide the cooking evenly, you're worried she's mad at you, you talk about her hair.

DOs & DON'Ts—Babies
After college, girls have to decide if they want babies or a career. If you think you're going to be a graphic designer and then stop everything at 36, find the right guy, have the baby, and then go back to your career when the kid starts pre-school, you are sadly mistaken. Your eggs are shit at 36. Don't get mad at us, it's God's fault. So if you don't want to be a lonely spinster who watches Sex and the City like it's on fire, get over careers and find a reliable man.
P.S. Careers aren't that great anyways; it's not all golf and strip clubs, it's mostly putting out fires and worrying about lawyers.

DOs & DON'Ts—Duration
No matter what Italians tell you, sex has to last at least 15 minutes. If you feel like you're going to bust a nut before that, then pull out and go down on her. Ewww, it tastes like condom? Boo-hoo, you fucking baby! Get back to work!

DOs & DON'Ts—The basic rules of fashion
The basic rule is: You have to be at least a little uncomfortable.
We are in an epoch right now when everyone is determined to be at a sleepover. Nobody can endure any discomfort whatsoever, not even for a moment. If a woman goes out on a limb and gets dressed up one night, she punishes the world by wearing track pants and flip-flops for days after. If a man feels even slightly warm he takes his shirt off and lets the whole world see his hairy tits. Back in the Wild West, we were wearing three-piece suits and top hats in the middle of July. Can we not have at least a modicum of discipline? It's not that hard.

Children of the Corn by Emily Mead
Everything I needed to know about sex, I learned from a schlocky "young adult" novel about incest.

Hard to believe it's been twenty-five years since V.C. Andrews — gothic godmother to generations of preadolescent girls — published Flowers in the Attic, the runaway bestseller that really put incest and infanticide on the map for fifth graders. It's still being passed around girls' locker rooms, although with ninety million copies of her forty-plus novels in print, there's really no reason to share: every secondhand store across this great land seems to have at least one dog-eared, drooled-upon copy of her catnippy, extra-lite smut floating around...

BRIT'S SLIP OF THE TONGUE Aug 18 2004

THAT Britney Spears has a right mouth on her...

The 22-year-old singer left motormouth Popword presenter Simon Amstell speechless during a recent interview.

When he asked her what was the last thing she'd had in her mouth, she replied "a dildo".

Bear Passes Out After Only 36 Beers

SEATTLE (Reuters) - A black bear was found passed out at a campground in Washington state recently after guzzling down three dozen cans of a local beer, a campground worker said on Wednesday.

"We noticed a bear sleeping on the common lawn and wondered what was going on until we discovered that there were a lot of beer cans lying around," said Lisa Broxson, a worker at the Baker Lake Resort, 80 miles northeast of Seattle.

The hard-drinking bear, estimated to be about two years old, broke into campers' coolers and, using his claws and teeth to open the cans, swilled down the suds.

It turns out the bear was a bit of a beer sophisticate. He tried a mass-market Busch beer, but switched to Rainier Beer, a local ale, and stuck with it for his drinking binge.

Wildlife agents chased the bear away, but it returned the next day, said Broxson. They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer. It worked, and the bear was captured for relocation.

Women's gymnastics should grow up: A sport that forces women to be little girls is sick and wrong and needs to be fixed

...I was happy to see a couple of 25-year-olds prominent in the team finals, Mohini Bhardwaj of the United States and Svetlana Khorkina of bronze-winning Russia. Of course, both are considered freakish for still being Olympic gymnasts at that advanced age. The Americans even have a 26-year-old, vault specialist Annia Hatch.

Bhardwaj, unwelcome in the little-girls-only world of official gymnastic training, famously had to pay her own way over the last few years, at one point enlisting financial help from Pamela Anderson, which I mention only for the sake of page views.

Even with those two old birds, Bhardwaj and Hatch, the average age of the U.S. team is 19 and a half. This is a problem. A sport in which women become washed up years before they reach their athletic prime is a sport that needs redesigning. A sport that supposedly emphasizes strength and athleticism, among other things, but for which you're in trouble if you tip the scales in triple digits and you're just about disqualified if you top 115 is a sport that needs fixing...

Youthful exuberance
The young age of the majority of female gymnasts is no coincidence. As the human body ages, bones harden and the muscles tighten, making much of a gymnast's work almost impossible to undertake. Height and weight are also a factor, as lighter, more svelte figures are easier to push through gymnastic movements. For men, age is but a number. Strength is more important than beauty.

...My friend keeps telling me how good her life is now
Her apartment is only $1350 a month! which is a really good deal!
So she has SO much fun! Like she has 3 jobs!
She works at this bar DJing,
and then she works like reception at a fashion magazine,
and then she like goes to castings!
New York is SO COOL!...

You've got the sexy, shaggy, unkempt greasy-but-not-too-gross hair. You've got flawless skin so pale that you glow in the dark. You've got the ironic vintage shirt, the shabby corduroy blazer and the chic designer jeans. You've got the carefully beat-up Chucks. You've got a two room walk-up in Williamsburg which you share with a highly-strung actor, a struggling writer, a freegan and a docile, hairy guy in a poncho who grows weed under the kitchen sink. To top it all off, you've got your own up-and-coming post-punk band. You're almost perfect. But wait a minute. You're missing something:

The ethnic girlfriend.

Yes, you've got the look down but, as we ALL know, nothing's complete without accessories. You without a ethnic girlfriend is like a messenger bag without thousands of buttons proclaiming your political leanings and your extensive knowledge of music...

Bush gals to see gay vows

When Washington-area beautician Erwin Gomez and his longtime partner James Packard celebrate their marital vows with 400 of their closest friends next month, two of Gomez's best customers will probably be in attendance: President Bush's twin daughters, Jenna and Barbara.

Yesterday, the 39-year-old Gomez - a makeup expert for the Elizabeth Arden shop in the D.C. suburb of Chevy Chase, Md. - told Lowdown that the First Twins have become devotees of his popular eyebrow waxes over the past few weeks.

And, Gomez added, Bush's daughters have expressed an enthusiastic desire to go to Gomez and Packard's Sept. 11 wedding celebration at their home in Laytonsville, Md.

"I gave them the party invitation, and they said, 'That sounds great, we'd love to come - it sounds like a lot of fun,'" Gomez said. "The way they reacted, they were very open-minded."

Never mind that their father supports a constitutional ban of gay marriages...

China's 'Hairboy' Aspires to Be a Rock Star
By Lee Chyen Yee

SHANGHAI (Reuters) - He is an aspiring rock star, but Yu Zhenhuan's claim to fame for now is that he is the hairiest man in all of China.

Hair covers 96 percent of Yu's body. He may be surpassed only by a pair of Mexican brothers -- Victor "Larry" and Gabriel "Danny" Ramos Gomez -- listed in the Guinness Book of World Records as having 98 percent hair cover.

The 26-year-old Yu is candid and unembarrassed about a condition that has made him a phenomenon in China since he was born.

A stringy black fuzz matts every inch of his lanky frame, save for the palms of his hands and the soles of his feet.

And Yu has chosen to make use of his unique physical appearance, placing photos of himself on his Web site www.maohai.com -- or Hairboy.com -- as part of a drive to land a recording contract and become China's newest rock star...

If she did know that her husband was gay and didn't care, Mrs. McGreevey isn't alone. It's impossible to know how many straight women are happily married to men that they know are gay -- the census hasn't gotten around to that question yet -- but they're out there. I know two married straight woman/gay man couples: In both cases, the men and women were friends who decided to marry after concluding that romantic love simply wasn't in the cards for them. Their marriages are loving compromises that have allowed all involved to settle down and start families. Defeat and resignation turned into something lasting and good.

But let's suppose that Mrs. McGreevey didn't know. What if she looked so composed during the press conference because she downed a handful of Xanax a moment or two before it began? What if she, like most straight women who discover their husbands are gay, is devastated by the news? (A sample of the self-help titles available on Amazon: "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families," "My Husband Is Gay: A Woman's Survival Guide.") If that's the case, I hope the religious right has the decency to send Mrs. McGreevey -- and every other woman out there who discovers she's married to a closeted gay man -- an apology. For isn't duping poor straight women into marrying us the religious right's advice to gay men?

According to the Falwells, Robertsons, and Santorums of the world, I'm supposed to think less about the South African Olympic men's swim team and more about hell (hot!) and eternity (long!). Then I'm supposed to go find a woman I can trick into marrying me. So what if the foundation of my marriage is a lie? So what if I have to struggle against my sexual and emotional needs all my adult life? Do what you gotta do, faggot...

Britney Covers Bobby Brown's 'My Prerogative' For Forthcoming LP

Britney Spears plans to knock Bobby Brown's socks off by covering his trademark hit, "My Prerogative." The singer has chosen to remake the 1988 song for the first single off her next project, a greatest-hits album due November 16 that is now to be called, Greatest Hits: My Prerogative, according to her label...

Fred Savage Hitched

Former Wonder Years star Fred Savage has wed his childhood girlfriend and it's not Winnie Cooper.

Savage tied the knot last Saturday with long lost buddy Jennifer Stone, the actor's agent, Jeb Brandon, confirmed Wednesday. The two friends went separate ways in 1988 when the budding young thesp moved from suburban Chicago to Los Angeles to take on the role of Kevin Arnold...

On August 28, 2004, thousands will march across the Brooklyn Bridge to make sure that issues of reproductive health—global family planning, real sex education, accessible, safe and legal abortion, birth control options, the right to privacy regarding sexuality, and equal access to health care—are part of the national political dialogue. Join us!

New York City is the birthplace of reproductive freedom. March on August 28 to show elected officials that New Yorkers care deeply about reproductive health and rights.

The boisterous crowd included Nicky — in a shimmery aqua-blue dress — Meister, Paris, Nicole Ritchie, Tara Reid, Lindsay Lohan, Bijou Phillips, Rod Stewart's daughter, Kim, and several guys.

Heeeyyy..
It SEEMS LIKE I can FINALLY
Rest my HEAD on something REAL
I LIKE the way that FEELS
Heeeyyy..
It’s AS IF you know me BETTER
Than I EVER knew myself
I LOVE how you can TELL

AL QAEDA PLANS TO DROP GAY BOMBS

EXTREMIST Muslim scientists are developing a bomb that turns anyone within a 30-mile radius of its blast into a homosexual, say U.S. Intelligence insiders...

...The Gay Bomb will detonate the instant a heterosexual male steps on one of the mines, releasing potent waves of the female hormone estrogen into the air.

Within hours, heterosexual men will experience terrible urges like: "I'm dying to make out with my buddy in the next cubicle," and "I want a divorce from the witch I married," and "I wonder if I should redecorate the living room."

By the end of the day, the nation will be thrown into chaos. Wives and husbands will square off, leaving a trail of broken families from Hollywood to New York City.

Children will sob: "Why is Daddy moving the furniture and who is Judy Garland?"

PUT IT ON MY TABBY

Want to dine at Manhattan's newest hot spot? Make sure you're dressed in furs and tails. Or at least bring a feline guest. The Meow Mix Café, billed as the "world's first-ever restaurant for cats," opens next week on Fifth Avenue across the street from the New York Public Library.

"It'll be like the Hard Rock Café," said Richard Thompson, CEO of the cat food company. "Except with Meow Mix." ...

...The café features tables where cats can try out six varieties of Meow Mix — and where their owners can snack on people food. And don't worry when your cat meows for the check. The $2 tab goes straight to the ASPCA.

At least one cat lover has serious reservations. "I can't think of a single cat that would like that," says Myrna Milani, a veterinarian and the author of "The Body Language and Emotion of Cats." "Even the most social cat would have a sensory overload."

The Post got a preview, and its correspondent, Mae, a normally friendly 3-year-old tabby, was unimpressed. As soon as she emerged from her carrying case, Mae slunk off the table and tried to hide behind a box of bright yellow Meow Mix Hairball Control Formula.

RANDY ANDY'S WILD NIGHT OUT
August 12, 2004 -- TV comic Andy Dick went on a randy rampage at Suede early yesterday that ended after he burst into tears over the death of his friend Rick James and was thrown out of the Chelsea club by "Little Shop of Horrors" star Joey Fatone.

Dick, the star of MTV's "The Assistant," was desperately in need of a minion to get him under control as he tried to kiss any man or woman he bumped into, including "Austin Powers" actor Seth Green, rolled around on the men's room floor, and asked clubgoers if they had cocaine.

The vodka and cranberry-swilling comic then barricaded himself in Suede's dishwashing room and began sobbing uncontrollably about James, who died last week, reports an eyewitness who witnessed the meltdown. "My best friend is dead!" Dick wailed. "He's gone! He's dead! You don't understand! All my best friends die!"

Dick then handed a dishwasher a stack of $100 bills so he could "live in the room." When Fatone — whom Dick taunted as "Fat One" — and Suede owner Eytan Sugarman tried to coax him to leave, Dick said, "You don't want to push me around, because I'm perfectly capable of doing this" — and punched an unidentified friend standing next to him in the face.

Finally, Fatone, the former *NSYNC member who co-hosts a Tuesday night party at Suede with promoter Brandon Marcel, dragged the blubbering Dick outside with the help of Sugarman and loaded him into a cab in front of a crowd that included Green, Mets outfielder Cliff Floyd and MTV veejay Vanessa Minnillo. Green was overheard sputtering, "That guy tried to kiss me," as Dick was hauled past him.

But Dick's rowdy romp wasn't over yet. The former "News Radio" star, who has battled drug and alcohol abuse in the past, headed downtown to Plan B on Avenue B and promptly commenced smooching and slapping the people inside.

"He was obviously obliterated," Plan B co-owner Josh Boyd told us. "He jumped on the back of Jason Battle, my co-owner, and kept trying to kiss him. Then he started getting violent and bitch-slapping people.

"We finally quarantined him and put him in a separate room. But then he slipped outside and skipped out on his $300 bar tab. The last anyone saw of him, he was rolling around the street on Avenue B."

Dick's manager declined comment.

Food Ran Out for Dominican Migrants

Migrants lost at sea for nearly two weeks without food and water said Wednesday more than 40 people died during the trip, and at least one woman who refused to give breast milk to passengers was thrown overboard into shark-infested waters....

For the Olsen Twins at College, It's 4 Penthouses, $7.3 Million

MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY OLSEN, the twin acting and merchandising juggernauts who will begin attending New York University as freshmen next month, are building the world's biggest dorm room at the Morton Square condominium on West Street.

The twins have agreed to spend $7.3 million for four penthouse apartments in the complex, and they are combining them into a 5,725-square-foot collegiate crash pad in the sky.

The 15th-floor penthouse will have two master bedrooms, each with an attached study, bathroom and walk-in closet. Each bedroom will be bigger than many Manhattan studio apartments.

One twin will get a south-facing bedroom with views of lower Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. The other will have a north-facing bedroom with views across Greenwich Village to the Empire State Building and Midtown Manhattan.

When work is done, sometime after the Olsens start classes in September, the apartment will also have two guest bedrooms, a screening room, kitchen, breakfast nook, dining room, living room, family room, laundry room and another two and a half bathrooms...

Considering everybody's already seen her completely naked and with a penis inside of her, it's really no big deal if Paris Hilton happens to wear a tank top that shows off a breast or two.

A ruff rider! : Lone pup hops train in Bronx, disem-barks with pal in blue

Officers Raymond Cruz and John Santana show off their latest fare-beating collar: a 30-pound stray mutt who hopped No. 2 train by herself in the Bronx yesterday.

She didn't have a MetroCard, but then again, she could scoot under the turnstile without so much as bending down. And though there's no evidence she had been on the subway before, the Dog Who Rode the No. 2 Train took to the rails yesterday like a savvy lifelong New York straphanger.

On a summer's Monday afternoon in the Bronx, she rode her way into the annals of city subway legend - and into the heart of the kindly cop who put an end to her joyride at the 180th St. station...

Do not, absolutely do not, ask directions to any address on "Avenue of the Americas." Nobody, absolutely nobody, uses that name, and this includes those imbeciles who so named it. Even immigrants from downtown Albania know it's Sixth Avenue. New York goes uptown and downtown primarily by consecutive avenues such as Tenth, Ninth, Eighth, Seventh. There is also Fifth Avenue. Somewhere in between is something some wacko rechristened Avenue of the Americas. Lotsa luck. You want to get there, you ask for Sixth Avenue.

CELEBRITY SCOOP IS BACK

Celebrity Scoop Edition of Millionaire is back and we're looking for people who eat, drink and sleep celebrity trivia. If you know the names of Johnny Depp's wife, Britney Spears' latest love and Colin Farrell's baby, then it's time to seriously think about what you would do with a million dollars. Auditions will be at our NY site on Mondays and Tuesdays at 6:45.

Singles queue for man pillows

...Women of all ages have reportedly been rushing to buy their very own Boyfriend Arm Pillow - a snuggly alternative to the real thing.

Manufacturers say lonely hearts have been queueing around the block to snap up their own faux-boyfriend.

He comes with his own shirts for those who miss fussing over their man and one model has a vibrating alarm function to gently shake their sleeping beauty awake...

August 6, 2004 -- IT'S not easy being Jewel. In a few moments of candor at the Sidewalk Angels benefit the other night, the pop star admitted to being shy and too small. She told PAGE SIX's Lisa Marsh, "I'm armpit height" — as she's reminded when fans put their arms around her for pictures. She also has a fear of stalkers. So a recent meet-and-greet was nerve-wracking, particularly when a fan tucked her into his armpit and whispered, "I've been wanting to get you in my chair." S&M images popped into the panicked singer's head until the fan continued, "Let me explain . . . I'm a dentist." Matchbox 20's Rob Thomas and John Hall also performed with the snaggle-toothed stunner.

If I was John Kerry, I really wouldn't want Ben Affleck to be showing his public support for me. Not only is he one of the worst actors out there (he's always grinning), but his idea of helping the cause happens to be picking up random babies and scaring the shit out of them.

It just dawned on me a few Sundays ago that Brenda's vaginal rejuvenation-loving mom, Margaret Chenowith on Six Feet Under is actually Rose from one of America's finest films, Don't Tell Mom The Babysitter's Dead. Memories of QED reports, bogus petty cash receipts, and Brian from Clown Dog came rushing back to me which was almost as great as having a 48-hour orgasm. But what do I know? I've never been to Santa Barbara…

The dishes are done man!

CIA Asks Bush to Discontinue Blog

...On Saturday, Basham asked to pre-screen all blog activity before Bush posts it online.

Bush rejected Basham's request and later that day wrote in his blog that "Some people who shall remain nameless apparently do not know there is such a thing as free speech in this country."

Members of Bush's re-election team have urged the president to exercise caution with his blog, perhaps because of posts like the one dated July 8, 2004: "Another long day of speeches and fundraisers. Met with all these phony media company execs. Had to promise them some bill next term and shake a lot of stupid hands, but they did bring in two or three million or so. Whatever. Karl keeps a list. I got big laughs during my speech, so I'm happy."...

O. B.: C

Some people swear by these applicatorless cotton pellets, but I don’t get it. I agree that they are good for when you’re backpacking around Europe or whatnot because the box is so cute and tiny. However, they’re hard to insert without getting a bit personal with yourself, and sometimes I am just not in the mood. Also, I’m not sure they expand as well as other kinds. I know that a ‘female gynecologist designed them,’ but I think she did a crappy job. The o.b. is like a Sierra Nevada because its obvious negative qualities don’t stop it from having a dedicated following.

"She made time for Bryant and knew he'd make a move on her. She took part in at least two wardrobe malfunctions when she showed her tattoos on the small of her back and ankle."

CATPRIN, a tailor for cats. Ever imagined dressing up your lovely cat into a fabulous beauty? You don't have to dress her everyday, in fact she might not feel comfortable with a dress on for days. Just dress her up only on special occasions like her birthday, takes a photo and that should leave you lots of memories and fantasies.

Ben Forrest Davis
will be performing a
FREE SHOW this TUESDAY
August 3rd, 2004 at:

Bluez Cafe
2611 Bath Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11214

Show starts at 8pm and all ages are welcome!
Please come out and show your support.

Directions:
Take the D train to Bay Parkway & take the B6 or B82
buses. Or, take the D train to Bay 50th and then walk or take
the B64 bus.

I am no longer getting work done. I am not sleeping enough or eating enough or editing my barely solvent literary magazine, because the aforementioned issues have made it a social imperative that I check up on all the goddamn blogs every single day (and make comments) so that people know I care about their lives/band/Condé Nast.

Additionally, I must Google my own name on a weekly basis in search of mentions on blogs, in order to know What People Think About Me. This is a dark, paranoid enterprise, capable of destroying even the staunchest feelings of self-confidence if the search should turn up evidence that, say, someone who actually showed up at my literary event did not enjoy it, or that someone has posted incriminating pictures of me, pictures obviously taken by a cell phone when I wasn't looking. (Remember: It isn't paranoia if they really are blogging about you.)

Hate married people? Tired of engagement news? Still want to sleep with your ex but don't know if he/she is in a new relationship? Break Up News is the place to get the announcements that really matter. Get the skinny on recently ruptured romances. Announce to the world that you're back, and looking for nub in all the wrong places. Spend a few minutes away from porn sites.

Levine/Lee
Lisa Lee and Jocelyn Levine, both 32, broke up last December. But they bought each other Christmas presents anyway and continued sleeping in the same bed, because NYC rents are high and they hadn't yet worked out a custody plan for their Boston Terrier, Mildred. "That's the way we lesbians do things," Lee said.
But things have gotten complicated since Lee finally moved out last month, partially because the former lovers insist on telling each other about all the dates they go on. A lot of one upping goes on. "Dyke drama," Lee says with a sigh. Levine has been crying to her family about having lost her "roommate," but they just keep telling her she needs to get on Craig's List. Lee, meanwhile, has done some experimenting with heterosexuality. "But it sucked," she said. Indeed.

Holding her by the right arm, he climbed back onto the vessel and pulled her aboard. He tried to stop the bleeding using the string from his swim trunks as a tourniquet, but the damage was too extensive.

She drifted in and out of consciousness, at one point telling her husband that she could feel her fingers. "I said, 'No, honey, you don't have an arm,' " Monazzami said. "She said, 'I swear to God I can feel my fingers.' "

About 30 minutes passed before Davoodabai started feeling severe pain, Monazzami said. "She started screaming from the bottom of her heart, and I was going crazy because I couldn't do anything to help her."

PARIS TO PAL: NICK BEAT ME

July 31, 2004 -- A bruised and battered Paris Hilton is telling pals ex-boyfriend Nick Carter hit her, leaving the ugly marks on her face and arms. In photos, Hilton has an obviously swollen lip and bruises up and down both arms...