daily roundup

The Shut-In Detectives

I love this McSweeney's series Shut-In Detectives because it reminds me of Encyclopedia Brown and also of something that me and my cousin Dave would do...I have put Case #22 here as an example but I also highly recommend Case #5: The Case of Peter's Puffy Face and Case #17: The Case of the Big Night Out. Enjoy.

Last year, Jenny Traig and Peter McGrath, cousins, left their jobs to become self-declared shut-ins. They quickly discovered that even the shut-in's life is full of many small mysteries. Inspired by the great tradition of housebound detectives, they resolved to become investigators themselves. The following are cases from their files.

#22: The Case of the Lonely Detectives OR Why Doesn't Anyone Ask Us Out?
Status: Solved

One evening, after drinking more than is their habit, the Shut-Ins found themselves in a maudlin and introspective mood. Draining his second Brandy Alexander, Peter asked, "Why is it, dear cousin, that no one ever asks us out? You, in particular, are what they call a 'catch.' If your mood swings are any indication, you are still fertile, and your uncommonly wide midsection suggests you'd bear children easily. And yet no man has snapped you up. How can that be?"

"I could ask the same about you," Jenny replied. "You are fun company. Those deeply carved lines around your mouth and eyes suggest you laugh easily and often. And yet, here you sit, alone." Peter shook his head. "It's a mystery, indeed." What was the cause?

"Perhaps it's because we so rarely leave the house," Jenny suggested. Peter countered that this often heightened one's allure. Wasn't Greta Garbo the most pursued woman in the world?

Well, then, perhaps astrology was to blame. Peter disagreed. "We're different signs. We can't be under the same bad star. But maybe the problem is bad feng shui." Jenny dissented. "That can't be, either, because feng shui is a load of crap."

The cousins were stymied. But a few hours later, as they settled into late-night TV, the mystery solved itself. As a talk show reminded the detectives, people are often single because they are too hot. "The answer, in a phrase, is that we're too sexy for our shirts," Jenny announced. Peter nodded in agreement. "There's a perp, all right, and it's our own damned attractiveness." The Shut-Ins toasted each other's tragic allure before falling asleep in their respective chairs, where they remained, snoring delicately, until morning.

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No One Needs to See This

Eww.

Fred Durst Leaked Sidekick Sex Tape
We don’t know where a supposedly “hacked” Sidekick sex tape of rap-rock afterthought Fred Durst came from, or whether it has anything to do with Sidekicks (as alleged), hacks, or Paris Hilton Sidekick hacks (it probably doesn’t), but we know this: If we could, we’d uninvent the internet if it would put this particular genie back in the proverbial genie container, just so we would never have had to hear Durst urge his partner to “touch my balls and my ass,” or to see the resulting reacharound*. Or Durst’s “O” face (pictured). These psychic scars will never fade.

[*Technically, this might be a “reach-under.”]

For once I'm actually grateful for the firewall at work that prevents me from indulging my masochistic tendencies and watching this.
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Nooooooooooo!

Must the FCC ruin EVERYTHING?!?!?

FCC Rules May Force Indie 103.1 FM to Change Its Tune

The future of Indie 103.1 FM, hailed by Rolling Stone magazine as "America's coolest commercial station," may be in jeopardy because a shift in federal regulations will force Clear Channel Communications Inc. to abandon its business partnership with the station's owner.

Indie 103.1 is owned by Entravision Communications Corp., a Santa Monica-based Spanish-language media company. But it went on the air 14 months ago under a so-called joint sales agreement with Clear Channel, the largest radio station operator in the U.S. and the owner of eight stations in the L.A. market.

Revised Federal Communications Commission regulations redefine joint sales agreements in such a way that Indie 103.1 constitutes Clear Channel's ninth station here, and federal media rules bar any company from owning more than eight.

Roy Laughlin, Clear Channel's regional vice president in Los Angeles, said the company would walk away from the partnership April 1.

"Our lawyers have told us that we have to do this," Laughlin said. "The audience and advertisers will see no disruption, that is my hope."

He called Indie 103.1 "a great success story." With rock star DJs such as Steve Jones, formerly of the Sex Pistols, the station's unusual playlist finds room for the Clash, Franz Ferdinand and Frank Sinatra.

It's unclear whether Entravision will continue the format without the business benefits of the arrangement with Clear Channel, which used its clout to line up advertisers for the station.

Entravision executives declined to comment.

Jeff Pollack, a radio consultant, said the industry chatter was that programming on Indie 103.1 would probably be rejiggered and geared toward one of the L.A. area's myriad ethnic communities...

(via TOTC)
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Right-Wing Bastards

I know I don't usually get political here but this is so horrible...I just can't even believe it.

Kansas probe demands abortion records

TOPEKA, Kan. -- In an investigation conducted secretly for months, the Kansas attorney general is demanding that clinics turn over the complete medical records of nearly 90 women and girls who had abortions.

Two abortion clinics are fighting the request in Kansas Supreme Court, saying the state has no right to such personal information. But Attorney General Phill Kline insisted Thursday he is simply enforcing state law.

"I have the duty to investigate and prosecute child rape and other crimes in order to protect Kansas children," Kline, an abortion opponent, said at a news conference.

Kline is seeking the records of girls who had abortions and women who received late-term abortions.

Sex involving someone under 16 is illegal in Kansas, and it is illegal in the state for doctors to perform an abortions after 22 weeks unless there is reason to believe it is needed to protect the mother's health.

Kline spoke to reporters after details of the investigation, which began in October, surfaced in a legal brief filed by attorneys for two medical clinics. The clinics argued that unless the high court intervenes, women who obtained abortions could find government agents knocking at their door.

The clinics said Kline demanded their complete, unedited medical records for women who sought abortions at least 22 weeks into their pregnancies in 2003, as well as those for girls 15 and younger who sought abortions. Court papers did not identify the clinics.

The records sought include the patient's name, medical history, details of her sex life, birth control practices and psychological profile...

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You: Ballgown, glass slipper; Me: Crown, cape

Nice Missed Connections story in the NYT today...

If Prince Charming lived in today's New York, he might turn to Missed Connections' in his search for Cinderella. "We danced at last night's ball, but you bolted at midnight," he might write. "I didn't even get your name, only a glass slipper. E-mail me if you get this."

So does Missed Connections ever lead to a connection? Here is one tale that started on a Brooklyn street last September...

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Sucks to be her

 

I really feel very sorry for Tracey Gold. Check out this interview she did with Larry King...her accident and subsequent DUI last September really do seem like horrible things that could have happened to anyone, and not the actions of a reckless alcoholic. Though of course that may just be how she's spinning it. Needless to say, I would not want to be in her shoes...
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Disaster Travel

laying out by the debris 

I'm sorry, but I just don't think that I could feel comfortable vacationing in the middle of a disaster zone like this. The argument can be made that they are supporting the economy of the area and all...but I just think that it's weird and creepy. I just do.
(via Black Table)
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Extreme Makeover: Bunny Style


 

Love Gawker's take on Bugs' makeover...

Bugs Bunny started out as a naturally lanky hare with buck teeth and a little ‘junk’ in the trunk. Now he seems to have dyed his grey hair jet black (with blonde highlights). He also appears to have had some liposuction in his mid section and gotten pec implants. The thing that baffles us are his teeth: he could’ve had his buck teeth fixed, but he appears to have had them sharpened.

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The Truth Hurts

 

Low Culture really hit the nail on the head with this one:

If Brandon Davis Swallowed Mischa Barton Whole...he'd probably look a lot like his older brother Jason.

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Y Not?

This PlanetSocks rant is great...

Rant: Vowels
Why can't the letter "y" be a full-fledged member of the vowel family? What's with the "and sometimes y" crap? As if the sanctity of vowelhood would be so tarnished if "y" was invited in as a permanent member.

I think "Y" should immediately demand to be made into a full vowel, or it should threaten to become a full time consonant and leave A,E,I,O and U to figure out how to replace it in words like "rhythm" and "why" and "twyndyllyngs" and "sky." Yeah, have fun with that, U, you conceited, self-righteous bastard.

Y is so much more than your average consonant -- it's a question; it's a chromosome; it's a place where it's fun to hang out with all the boys.

F those elitist vowels. F them right in the A.

Love it.
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A Very Special Petition

I love this TVGasm petition to make a Silver Spoons DVD.

Silver Spoon-Feed 'Em Reasons To Make A DVD
TV enthusiasts aren't created overnight. Dedicated are we who spend years of our childhood watching mind numbing hours of TV. People used to call those "wasted years." My parents told me if I kept watching that much TV, I would grow up ill adjusted. Well I’m grown up and I am well adjusted.

Why thanks to TV, I am not a drug addict. I learned my lesson watching Zack Morris talking Jessie off her speed high. I haven't been molested by a Boy Scout troop leader, I learned from Wesley and Mr. Belvedere to draw attention to uncomfortable situations with old men. And thanks to Tootie and Mrs. Garrett, I learned the value of my virginity and the import of not throwing it away willy nilly...anyone of these days, I am gonna lose it.

The point being, so much of who I am, who any of us are, comes from our childhood and the TV we used to watch. TV junkies like us are not a small minority, we have a voice...

I totally remember each and every one of those "Very Special Episodes". But they forgot the lesson learned about the importance of not goofing around in CPR class from the Very Special Episode of Punky Brewster, when Punky and Margot have to save Cherry (and her forehead belt) after she passes out in an abandoned refrigerator!
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Aaron Explains It All

Aaron Carter certainly had a lot to say at the Grammy's after party!...

Despite rumblings from his mother to the contrary, 17-year-old pop singer Aaron Carter says Michael Jackson is straight and that nothing inappropriate ever happened between them.

Carter, who is estranged from his mother, also told me that his brother Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys did indeed hit pop tart Paris Hilton , as was intimated in many tabloid reports late last year.

"He hit her," Aaron told me on Sunday night at the big Grammy celebration party following the awards show, "and he hit me."

Well, he's definitely going to beat the shit out of you now! Better run and hide, little bro!
(via Defamer)
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ANTM Expose!

On my way to work this morning I happened to catch reality tv's lovebirds of the moment,Adrianne Curry and Christopher Knight (America's Next Top Model and Peter Brady, respectively) on 103.1's morning talk show. As most people know, I am The Surreal Life's biggest fan and I also have a minor crush on Chris Knight, so I eagerly tuned in...

...I was not disappointed!...Adrianne did not hold back one iota in her dishing about ANTM and Tyra Banks...or "Tyrant" as she called her (love it!). She basically said that Tyra is a horrible bitch who loves herself waaay too much and makes everybody else around her miserable. Plus she claims that the show is totally misrepresenting the prize for winning the contest and that she was blatantly lied to - apparently the prize is NOT an actual Revlon contract but merely the "opportunity" to get one...which is definitely not the way it is presented on the show.

Anyway, it was fabulous and greatly brightened up my dismal monday morning commute. Oh, and she also said that she thinks Tyra's boobs are fake. Awesome.
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Pop Quiz, Hotshot

This McSweeney's article, Reading-Too-Much-Into-Things Comprehension, is quite amusing:

All questions will have more than one correct answer. Please choose the BEST response for each question.

Paragraph A:

Her leg brushed up against yours.

Questions 1-24 will be based on Paragraph A.

1. Did she do that on purpose?
a) Yes.
b) No.
c) Maybe.
d) Don't know.

2. Why would she do that?
a) She still loves you.
b) She still likes you.
c) She still wants to have sex with you.
d) She still wants you to think one of the above.

3. Wait. Did she even notice it?
a) Maybe.
b) It doesn't look like it.
c) She's just pretending not to notice.
d) Don't know.

4. Maybe she did it subconsciously?
a) She wants you back.
b) She feels what you feel and doesn't know how to express it either. You can learn together.
c) Maybe.
d) No, she did it on purpose.

5. She's probably just teasing you.
a) Probably.
b) No, she wouldn't do that.
c) Maybe she did it to tease you but forgot how much it would hurt you and regretted it immediately.
d) Maybe...

...And it continues in this manner. Best part is at the end though...check it out.
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AWGTHTGTTA

I know that internet pedophiles are a very serious problem and all but this MSN article on teen's "online lingo" is just so unintentionally hilarious, especially the part called "Know the lingo", which includes such gems as "BOHICA" or "Bend Over Here It Comes Again"...the kids these days! What will they come up with next!?!

Know the lingo

It may seem undecipherable, but there is reason behind the rambling you might see in an instant message conversation. Here's a sample of the shorthand used by chatters.

A/S/L Age/Sex/Location
AWGTHTGTTA Are We Going To Have To Go Through This Again
BOHICA Bend Over Here It Comes Again
CRTLA Can't Remember the Three-Letter Acronym
CTC Choking The Chicken
ESO Equipment Smarter than Operator
GLYASDI God Loves You And So Do I
GYPO Get Your Pants Off
NIFOC Nude (naked) In Front Of The Computer
NYCFS New York City Finger Salute
OLL On-Line Love
POS Parent Over Shoulder
QT Cutie
RTBS Reason To Be Single
RUMORF Are You Male Or Female
SOHF Sense Of Humor Failure
SSEWBA Someday Soon, Everything Will Be Acronyms
TDTM Talk Dirty To Me

(via Gawker)
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XXI Nightmare

 

I just LOVE the Fug Girls description of the above outfit...and their disclaimer:

She looks like she got caught in a freak tornado at Forever 21.*

*Please don't misunderstand: we here at Go Fug Yourself love and completely endorse Forever 21. Where else can you get four adorable sparkly halter tops for sixteen dollars? Forever 21 rules. However, we also advise moderation in all things, and that includes resisting the urge to wear everything you got at this weekend's Forever 21athon all at once.

So true, so true...moderation is the key!


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"More fun than a restraining order"...

Kids can be so cruel 

I think the above picture and the "About Us" section of this site speak for themselves...

About Slackertown
Safe Drunken Dialing, its a fairly new and growing issue and we here at slackertown are tackling it head on with booze in hand. We've taken the liberty of setting up a number (321) 600-1200 for whenever the drunken dialing urge takes a hold of you. Whatever message you leave will be added to the slackertown web site so when you sober up you can check back see just how drunk you were.

To make this fair for all the drunk people we will also offer drunken e-mailing. This has yet to be fully implemented, but future additions to slackertown will see all these drunken emails posted for the masses to enjoy. So send your drunken E-Mails to Drunk@SlackerTown.com

Another way to share your drunken memories with the world is our Drunken Photo Moments section...

(via Lindsayism)
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Worst Topless Picture Ever


Ugh 

I really don't know what Britney was thinking...when you're constantly hounded by paparazzi you can't just roll out of a hungover, post-coital clinch with your white-trash hubby and walk out on your penthouse balcony topless. At least throw on your "I'm a virgin...But this is an old shirt" wifebeater! Use your head, Britney!
(via Fleshbot)
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Paris and Lindsey get it off their chests

Feeling the pain... 

Not even the rich and famous can escape the fallout of the Brad-and-Jen breakup. This is one tragedy that has truly touched everyone's lives...
(via Gawker)
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