daily roundup

'Oh, my gosh, they're talking about my burrito.'

Thanks to Mary for sending me this hilarous news story...

School Mistakes Huge Burrito for a Weapon

CLOVIS, N.M. - A call about a possible weapon at a middle school prompted police to put armed officers on rooftops, close nearby streets and lock down the school. All over a giant burrito.

Someone called authorities Thursday after seeing a boy carrying something long and wrapped into Marshall Junior High.

The drama ended two hours later when the suspicious item was identified as a 30-inch burrito filled with steak, guacamole, lettuce, salsa and jalapenos and wrapped inside tin foil and a white T-shirt...

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Cruise creepy, Scientology scary

In case anyone is not yet on board with my "Tom Cruise is a creepy-ass mothafucka" philosophy, check out this interview with him (and Steven Spielberg) in some German magazine named Spiegel that is apparently unafraid of the wrath of L. Ron.

Some choice excerpts...

SPIEGEL: We visited one of your locations near Los Angeles and were amazed to find a fully staffed tent of the Scientology organization right next to the food tents for the journalists and extras.

Cruise: What were you amazed about?

SPIEGEL: Why do you go so extremely public about your personal convictions?

Cruise: I believe in freedom of speech. I felt honored to have volunteer Scientology ministers on the set. They were helping the crew. When I'm working on a movie, I do anything I can to help the people I'm spending time with. I believe in communication.

SPIEGEL: The tent of a sect at someone's working place still seems somewhat strange to us...



SPIEGEL: Do you see it as your job to recruit new followers for Scientology?

Cruise: I'm a helper. For instance, I myself have helped hundreds of people get off drugs. In Scientology, we have the only successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. It's called Narconon.

SPIEGEL: That's not correct. Yours is never mentioned among the recognized detox programs. Independent experts warn against it because it is rooted in pseudo science.

Cruise: You don't understand what I am saying. It's a statistically proven fact that there is only one successful drug rehabilitation program in the world. Period.

SPIEGEL: With all due respect, we doubt that...

Oooh, Spiegel better watch it's back! I would not cross L. Ron. Hell hath no fury like a cultmaster scorned. And I bet Tom was just dying to unclench his trademark grin and sink his orthodontia-enhanced choppers into this interviewer's jugular.
(via the defamer)
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Celebrity Rehab: It's a tragedy for me to see the dream is over

So yesterday I heard Danny Bonaduce on his morning radio show talking about how VH1 pulled the plug on his reality show, Being Bonaduce, because he fell off the wagon during filming and they said it was unethical to keep going and that he needed to go to rehab right away, etc...

Here is a portion of a post from the Star 98.7 blog from yesterday...

The Dan told us all about the stuff going on in his life. In a nutshell, he has been filming his reality show and in an attempt to make it "good" he began drinking again and that led to all kinds of bad behavior...Stench found Danny a rehab that will take him today, but he wants to wait until next week, so good luck Dan...

My immediate reaction is "Yes! The time is right! The world is ready for Celebrity Rehab!"...followed by "God damn it- some one else is going to put out some version of this!"...And I was right...

From today's Star blog:

Danny has started his rehab so he'll be out for about a week, so you'll have to put up with Jamie, Stench and I. Jamies Dad called in...and he suggested that the Dan may be filming his rehab... I'm not allowed to confirm or deny this, but I will say that Bob is a smart guy.

I hate everyone.
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Celebrity Rehab: Staying on top while hitting bottom

While at lunch today, I had the best idea for a new reality show!...Celebrity Rehab! It would be like a combination of Celebrity Fit Club, Intervention, Starting Over, and the Surreal Life. All we would need is some corrupt psychiatrist-types (like the ones who do The Swan) and some "street-wise" recovering addicts (to provide the tough love) who would form a rehab center. Then we get some C-list celebrity addicts who would be willing to televise their rehab process for some free, (semi) sympathetic PR...and presto! The Holy Grail of celeb reality TV!

There could be a constantly evolving cast where new addicts come in and those who have just completed rehab (or even the long-term sober) offer advice...they could even do interventions on celebs who are in need! And how about celebs who relapse? I am LOVING this idea!!!

Here is a sample of who would be on in the different roles if it was on today:

Current Active Rehabbers:
- Joaquin Phoenix
- Whitney Houston
- Pat O'Brien

Recent Rehab Graduates:
- Billy Joel
- Kelly Osbourne

For Interventions:
- Paula Abdul
- Natasha Lyonne

Probable Relapsers:
- Courtney Love
- Scott Weiland
- Charlie Sheen
- Anthony Keidis
- Matthew Perry

Am I missing anyone? Are you guys with me on this???
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Salman Rushdie: Pop Culture Guru

That Salman is one funny guy!...from the NY Daily News Lowdown:

The Rushdies try their hand at pop zinging

Feeling lost and confused about the popular culture? Do you reach for the anti-anxiety medication when you see a photo of Kevin Federline? Are you out of sorts whenever the Olsen twins dress like street urchins?

Call the Rushdies!

That's Anglo-Indian novelist Salman Rushdie, the 57-year-old Booker Prize winner and "Satanic Verses" author, and 34-year-old actress/model/Food Network hostess Padma Lakshmi Rushdie (say that fivetimesfast!)

At Monday night's PEN World Voices/New Yorker party, PEN American Center President Rushdie and his lovely wife gamely stepped up to the plate at the Bryant Park Hotel when asked to explain various popculture conundrums.

Some highlights:

What should mother-to-be Britney Spears name her baby?
Salman: "Javelin."

Any advice for the mother-to-be?
Salman: "I'd say no breast implants. Don't give the child breast implants."

What should Lindsay Lohan's next move be?
Padma: "Lay low."

Who's the most brilliant hip-hop artist?
Padma: "Pharrell, because he's sexy and he's light on his feet."
Salman: "He looks good without his shirt."

Michael Jackson: Please discuss.
Salman: "Insane! Off his f- head! I don't know which is worse, Michael Jackson or the people getting evidence against him. There are such sleazoids on both sides of this thing. He used to be a black man, and when he was, I used to like him."...

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Intervention: An Interactive Experience

Lindsayism has created a great new drinking game out of my new fave show, Intervention...it's quite good but I don't suggest actually trying it, as you will surely end up in the hospital and the subject of your very own Intervention...or maybe that's the whole point. Amazing!

Intervention: The Drinking Game

The Beginning:

- Take a drink for each of these words, if said by the addict's parents or grandparents: bright, intelligent, brilliant, prodigy, potential.

- Take a drink for every picture of the addict as a child looking happy.

- Take a drink if video footage is shown of the addict as a child.

- Take an extra drink for each of these elements in the childhood film footage: a dog, a cat, a Halloween costume, dancing, hugging anyone or anything, the beach.

- Take a drink if the addict has ever been remotely famous.

- Take a drink for every tooth the addict is missing.

- Take a drink for every tooth the addict's friends and family are missing.

- Take a drink if the addict has a terminally ill relative or significant other from whom s/he steals medication...

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"I'm going to sexually molest your dog"

OMG, Natasha Lyonne is seriously loco...there is now a warrant out for her arrest.

Fallen Star
...The tempestuous star's latest woes stem from a December 2004 complaint filed by a young woman who lived in the same four-story brownstone on East 18th Street.

Cops say a wild-eyed Lyonne stormed into the upstairs apartment of Nicole Scheinder around 10:50 p.m. Dec. 17, screamed at her, tossed her belongings around and even ripped a mirror off the wall.

The crazed actress then picked up Scheinder's little floppy-eared pooch and threatened menacingly, "I'm going to sexually molest your dog," police said.

Scheinder refused to comment yesterday.

A neighbor said Lyonne, who also starred in the indie film "Max and Grace" about a mentally ill couple that falls in love, had moved out of the brownstone a few weeks ago.

Her latest woes come after she crashed her car in Miami Beach in 2001 and wound up pleading guilty to drunken-driving charges.

They also are part of a scathing upcoming article in Jane magazine penned by her former friend and landlord, actor Michael Rapaport.

Rapaport, of "Boston Public" and "Mighty Aphrodite," painfully details how he watched his pal spiral into increasingly troubling behavior at the brownstone, which he owns.

When she finally left, "There was garbage everywhere, scripts, contracts, pages from Hustler magazine . . . and things I can't even mention," he writes. "It looked like a grenade had gone off in her bedroom." ...

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Nothing I can say, a total eclipse of the heart

Thanks to Brian (whose birthday is today!) for sending me the most unusual and awesome cover of my karaoke fave, Total Eclipse of the Heart...check it out, trust me, you'll be glad you did...Bonnie Tyler has nothing on these crazy foreign dudes!

On a related note, did anyone else notice Janice Dickinson using a line from Total Eclipse last night on ANTM when she was critiquing Tiffany? "Every now and then I fall apart...and you fell apart tonight"...or was that just me?
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"You take the good, you take the bad..."

WHY OH WHY did I ever leave New York?!?!?! This event is so up my alley that it's not even funny...

April 27th at The China Club in Times Square, we're paying tribute to the greatest TV themes of all-time with 'PLJ's TV Tunestock!

We've tracked down the singers who originally sang some of the most memorable TV themes EVER!

Scheduled:

*Mary Tyler Moore Show - Sonny Curtis
*Cheers & Punky Brewster Theme - Gary Portnoy
*B. J. & The Bear & My Two Dads - Greg Evigan
*Facts Of Life - Gloria Loring
*Greatest American Hero - Joey Scarbury
*Making It & The Dr. Pepper Jingle - David Naughton
*Perfect Strangers - David Pomeranz
- AND MORE TO BE ANNOUNCED!!

This event could only be improved by the addition of themes from Growing Pains ("Show me that smile again!"), Family Ties ("Sha La La La"), and Diff'rent Strokes ("Now the world don't move, to the beat of just one drum...")

(via TOTC)
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In case you haven't heard it somewhere else...

...Brit-Brit's (officially) got a bun in the oven.

From her website:

Dear Fans,
The time has finally come to share our wonderful news that we are expecting our first child together. There are reports that I was in the hospital this weekend, Kevin and I just want everyone to know that all is well. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Britney & Kevin

Also, be sure to check out the Fetus Spears' Blog...tres amusante.
(via Pinkisthenewblog)
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I Pity The Fool

You guys, this has seriously made my day. Stereogum posted a link to an ifilm version of this Mr. T video for kids called "Be Somebody or Be Somebody's Fool". My cousins and I used to watch this video all the time...it is really the greatest thing ever and I strongly suggest that you watch it ASAP!

But it gets better...I did some googling and found this play-by-play recap of said video and now I am truly in heaven. Here is a wee little excerpt from the intro to whet your appetite...

In 1984, during the peak of his success playing B.A. "Bad Attitude" Baracus on The A-Team, Mr. T starred in the motivational video Be Somebody... Or Be Somebody's Fool. It's unclear why this video was made in the first place, though one suspects court-ordered community service for DUI convictions played a major role. (Of course, not for Mr. T himself, mind you. As we'll soon learn in graphic detail, Mr. T don't drink, smoke, lie, or talk back to his momma.)...

And here are some key segments from my favorite parts, in the unlikely event that you need more convincing as to the brilliance of this video (and the resulting recap):

From "Recouping":

Dr. T asks, "Have you ever been embarrassed, ashamed, or exposed?" No, but that's only because I never appeared in a video like this one. Then T shows off his gift for inventing new words in his neverending quest to enhance the English language: "I mean, done something so abso-ludicrous [sic] [!!!!] that you wished you could have moved to a deserted island?" Oh my God! "Abso-ludicrous"!! He said that!

Dr. T cries, "Check this out!" We then cut to a kid in a purple and red jumpsuit happily skipping down a city sidewalk. He then trips on absolutely nothing and tumbles to the ground. At that exact moment, some middle-aged guy carrying a briefcase walks up and starts chuckling his fat ass off. The kid just stares at the camera and shakes his head, utterly humiliated.

Then we cut back to Dr. T, who sends a wave of guffaws rippling through the known universe by asking, "Now how can that little brother recoup?" [!!!] T asks for the tripping incident to be replayed. However, this time, T has manipulated the fabric of time and space so that when the kid trips and falls to the pavement, the kid instead suddenly spins around and turns the fall into a deft breakdancing move [!!].

From "Table the Label":

But, Mr. T asserts, your legal obligation to wear clothes "don't mean you gotta let some fashion designer in New York or Paris tell you what to wear! Clothes express your personality! So express yourself! And not someone else! Do Calvin Klein, Bill Blass, or Gloria Vanderbilt wear clothes with your name on it? No! Of course not! So you table the label! And wear your own name!" Then T gives us that little smile like he's in desperate need of a pat on the head.

From out of the yellow muck, an image flies into view of two Asian girls both dressed like Madonna. (Specifically, like Madonna in her "Like a Virgin" phase, which has the unfortunate side effect of making these two poor girls look like cheap Thai prostitutes.) Uh, yeah, so that's the way to express yourself. But, see, they're both wearing belts that have their names written on the buckle. Therefore, they have "tabled the label". Are you getting it now? I hope so, or otherwise you're in serious danger of becoming somebody's fool.

From the "Treat Your Mother Right" rap:

M is for the moan and the miserable groan
From the pain that she felt when I was bo'n!
O is for the oven with its burnin' heat,
Where she stood makin' sure I had somethin' to eat!
T is for the time that she stayed up nights,
And took my temperature when I wasn't feeling right!
H is for the hard-earned money she spent,
To keep clothes on my back and tried to pay da rent!
E is every wrinkle I put on her face,
And every worry that I caused when I stayed out late!
The last letter, R, is that she taught me respect,
And for the room up in heaven that I know she'll get!

Need I say more?
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"90210--over"...Love it!

Heather found this randomly while googling for the "beverly hills rapist" (who is still at large, by the by). It's fabulous and a great flashback to the Bev 9-er days...

9021--over
May 18, 2000
By Jae-Ha Kim
Chicago Sun-Times

A decade of despair. In 10 years, the heroes of "Beverly Hills, 90210" have endured every kind of trauma possible.

Brenda
Lost virginity to Dylan. Dropped out of college. Left in 1994. Showed up in San Francisco with a new identity, siblings and career--as a witch on "Charmed."

Dylan
Inherited a trust fund worth $10 million. Carjacked. Drunk and on drugs, crashed his Porsche and landed in rehab. Got married. Watched as wife was accidentally killed. Left town in 1995. Returned in 1998 with a heroin habit and a receding hairline.

Brandon
Ran for junior class president, then developed a gambling problem. Went to college and fended off a high school girl's advances. Slept with professor's trampy wife instead. Fell in love with Kelly. Rented house out for a porno shoot. Left in 1998.

Kelly
Dated Dylan behind Brenda's back. Broke up. Dated Brandon. Got hooked on cocaine. Entered rehab. Had an AIDS scare. Had a miscarriage. Got shot. Suffered from amnesia and forgot about Brandon. Remembered. Had sex with him to celebrate total recall. Got raped. Bought a gun. Killed her rapist.

Donna
Scored a 620 on SATs. Learned she has a learning disability. Dated David but wouldn't sleep with him. Changed hair color. Dated a musician who smacked her around and wouldn't sleep with her. Slept with David. Got in car accident. Took up painkillers. Had sex with new boyfriend. OD'd (on drugs, not sex). Was arrested for prostitution. Married David.

David
Watched best friend Scott kill himself by accident. Saw stepsister Kelly naked by accident. Got hooked on crystal meth by accident. Wrestled with manic depression. Inheritance from grandpa cheered him up.

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That's, like, incest, ya'all!?!

You are not going to believe what Britney's people are giving as the reason for the Spears-Federline Family Emergency Meeting that was convened this weekend (and what a brain-trust that group must be!). Now of course the rumored reason for the meeting was Brit and K-Fed's failing marriage, as demonstrated by their separate rooms at the Fairmont Miramar Hotel in Santa Monica, where said meeting took place. But, alas, a publicist's job is never done...and this publicist is seriously grasping at straws here!

A representative for Spears said: "Britney and Kevin were at the hotel to celebrate [sister] Jamie Lynn's birthday. An emergency meeting was called, but only because Britney was afraid her dog, Bit Bit, was pregnant by [brother] Brian's dog, Porkchop — and that would be incest.

Words fail me.
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Straight Up, Now Tell Me...

I have been saying this for a while now...mark my words, next celebrity joining Whitney and Pat O'Brien at Promises: Paula Abdul.

check this out...

What's wrong with Paula Abdul?

...However, many (if not all) American Idol fans have noticed a big change in their favorite judge this year. You can not go in to an American Idol message board or forum these days without seeing many posts about Paula. Where the posts have been about her popularity and judging abilities during the past 3 seasons, that is not the case for season 4. Now you see people talking about the hit and run charges that were recently filed against her, the way she is drooling and flirting (heavily) with all the male contestants this year, including Simon, who she hangs on, kisses and can not seem to quit touching. But, the main topic is the obvious change in her, shall we say, sobriety (or lack thereof). Paula's speech is slurred, her eyes are glassy, her balance is off, she looks dizzy and pretty much spaced out at all times. Many fans are starting to become concerned with this. Some are questioning Fox's blatant disregard on the issue, many believing that by ignoring this, Paula is not getting the help she seems to need...

(via Pink is the new blog)
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It's a "documentation of love", y'all!

I can't wait...this is going to be so great. I need to get home and set the Tivo!

Britney Spears is delving into reality television, thanks to a deal she recently inked with UPN, according to a spokesperson for the network. Spears and husband Kevin Federline will star in their own unscripted, as-yet-untitled series, which will document the couple's relationship, from the earliest stages of their courtship to their engagement and ultimately, their stroll down the aisle...

...Dawn Ostroff, president of entertainment for UPN, said the lion's share of the show's content will consist of video footage Spears and Federline shot themselves. In essence, the couple will serve as the program's hosts, and will walk the audience through the story of them. There will be five half-hour episodes capped off with an hour-long finale, which will center around their September 18, 2004, nuptials.

The couple had cameras rolling as they gallivanted across Europe and even while they were making wedding-day plans, and the series is expected to include footage from those tapes.

Ostroff feels the story of Spears and Federline's relationship is so riveting that "even if it were a fictitious story, it would be interesting. The fact that it's about one of the biggest stars out there makes it all the more fascinating."

Federline, who along with Spears will get an executive-producing credit, said in a statement that the show is "a documentation of love." No official premiere date has been set, but it's likely the series will debut in late May, during the tail end of sweeps.

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